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Archive: The Rockstar Ramblings Columns

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Christmas Edition II

Tis’ the season, it’s that time of year again. This week we take a look and see what our aging rockers are hoping for under the Christmas tree… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Skating with Vince

In response to the Motley Crue/Poison 2011 tour Bret Michaels admits that his pre-mature announcement may have been a “pipe dream”. Vince Neil commented, saying it was “wishful thinking” at best. Is it just me or are these two being way too nice to each other? I smell another reality show. Ladies and gentlemen it’s VH1 Rock of Hair starring Vince Neil and Bret Michaels, watch as the two compete for well used girls, camera time, and dollars to go toward their next plastic surgery session… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Feed Sebastian!

This week Sebastian Bach (ex-Skid Row) was asked to leave a bar and instead of politely grabbing his top hat and heading for the door he smashed a wine glass and then bit the owner’s hand. Can someone get this ex-Celebrity Fit Club guy a sandwich? To make matters worse Canadian cops found two grams of weed on Bach. So not only was Bach hungry from dieting, but also smoking pot. In hindsight the owner is lucky Bach didn’t eat his whole hand… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Bored to Death

During a lazy Sunday I found myself catching up on previously recorded episodes of Bored to Death when much to my delight I discovered a couple Metal Mania episodes on queue. Here’s what I found:

In Kiss’s video for “Rock and Roll all Nite,” I wonder what was so bad that the girl coming down the stairs needed her eyes blacked out like they do on the show Cops. Also, is there someplace we can put all of the eighties brick-sized cell phones for display? I would definitely go to the Pre-2K Cell Phone Hall of Fame (maybe located in Indiana?) to see the phone Gene Simmons has while sitting on his throne in this video as well as the one used by Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Slashed Slash

Slash and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas released a video to their song Beautiful Dangerous. Here’s a recap from my initial viewing:

The song starts with Fergie, looking very slutty rolling around her bed, inside a trashed apartment. There are pill bottles everywhere and Slash is playing guitar on the television. She moves to the television, straddles it, and fucks the TV. After, Fergie decides to shower and change into “going out” clothes. Interesting note is that her going out clothes may be more slutty than the panty/rip shirt combo she was initially rolling around (and fucking the television) in. Time passes, Fergie is now out. She is in the audience while Slash performs on stage AND also at a strip club. The only way I believe this is possible is that Fergie is playing a Hooker superhero and her special power is looking slutty in two places at once. Side note: This is my new favorite superhero. Eventually she meets Slash in the strip-club and spikes his drink. Next scene Slash is tied up back at the trashed apartment and is being dry humped by Fergie. While simulating sex Fergie removes Slash’s hat (a definite no-no) and puts it on. Of course the guitarist is helpless so all he can do is allow Fergie to continue to hump him while wearing his hat. Then, logically, she pulls out a knife and cuts him across his chest. My overall impression is that despite being drugged and slashed this still has to be considered a pretty good day for Slash… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Poison Remastered

Given their rock of love affair with Bret Michaels, VH1 decided to run a special Behind The Music Remastered, featuring Bret’s band, Poison. Here are some quick thoughts on this production.

The band moves from PA to California. The original name of the band is Paris, which they quickly change to Poison and also hire a new guitarist, C.C. Deville. Early in their careers Bret points out that he was a greasy haired loser in High School. I forgot what I was going to say. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Future

This week we fast forward, picture the year 2020…have the past ten years been good to our aging rock stars? Let’s take a humorous look at what may be… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Horror Movie Edition

Recently, Slash (Velvet Revolver, ex-Guns N Roses) was discussing Alice Cooper, mentioning he believes Cooper is the most dramatic and the best at on-stage horror theatrics. Thanks Slash, I guess that’s the least you can say considering you stole his top hat shtick … More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Dr. Ozzy Strikes Again

In a recent interview with Classic Rock magazine, Slash (Velvet Revolver, ex-Guns N Roses) says that he considered Axl Rose (Guns N Roses) as one of the singers for his recent solo project, explaining that Rose would be able to sing the shit out of all of his songs. I also believe this would give the two an opportunity to bond; each day calling Steven Adler (Adler’s Appetite, ex-Guns N Roses) and ask if he wants to get the band together then yelling “psyche!” Then hanging up the phone… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Cherry Pie Red Wine

While Vince Neil’s (Motley Crue) accuser teams with her lawyer (Neil was accused of attacking a woman in an elevator), Vince is spending time at the grand opening of Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club, posing for pictures with porn legend Ron Jeremy and Bunny Ranch head Dennis Hoff. This answers the age old question: Can enough Tequila make you forget all of your problems and make you feel invincible?... More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Motley Wire plus more

Axl Rose (Guns N Roses) during his recent tour fired his entire road crew for allowing him to nap during the time he was suppose to go on stage. The tricky part to this is that Rose has strict instructions to not wake him under ANY circumstances. The crew was eventually rehired, but led to this job wanted advertisement...WANTED: Person with telepathic powers and an acute sense of time; need to be able to communicate to another person through their dreams without knowing they are being awakened; NOTE: supervisor unstable… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Tattoos & Tequila Excerpt

Vince Neil's new book Tattoos and Tequila is out September 23. This week his website sent out an excerpt for his book of adventures. Here's a quick look and initial thoughts. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Hacked Twitter Accounts

A couple weeks ago someone (presumably with a great sense of humor) hacked into Axl Rose’s account and sent out a Tweet saying all the European shows were cancelled. Rose’s people quickly responded, noting that this was not true (despite this sounding EXACTLY like something Axl would do).

Lucky for us we were able to find a few other (alleged) Tweets sent out via (allegedly) hacked Twitter accounts. Enjoy… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Roth vs. Hagar

With the long awaited Van Halen (with David Lee Roth) follow up to 1984 due out next year (and one would expect a world tour) this week we take a look at the classic David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar debate with a closing thought on how the pending album may affect this age old discussion. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Judges

Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) announced this week that if a judge on American Idol he would be honest. Speaking of honesty, Joe Perry spoke this week about the secret of Tyler becoming a judge, saying he was not happy with the situation and hurt Steven didn’t let the band know. So, if I understand correctly, it is okay to lie to your band mates regarding drug use, just not over reality television? Actually, I’m not even sure what side I’m on anymore, nor does it matter because we all know the true losers in this scenario are: Bret Michaels and Gene Simmons (he had to try and get this, right?) for losing out to Steven Tyler… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: More Reality TV

Rockers from the eighties continue to bring in the viewers for reality TV. With Dee Snider, Gene Simmons, and Bret Michaels regulars on the TV circuit it doesn’t appear this trend will be disappearing anytime soon. Here is a look at some of the other reality shows currently being considered by the networks. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Burning Questions Edition

People.com reports that Bret Michaels (Poison) vows to start Groupie Love, the first retirement home for groupies. Two days later Michaels tour bus was pulled over, Marijuana was found on board. This is no coincidence. Question: Is medicinal Marijuana a treatment for brain hemorrhage recovery? More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The 80’s Album Razor Test

This week I give you my top albums from the eighties hair bands. Essentially a top twenty-five list, with a twist; imagine all of the albums from the eighties disappeared and you could no longer listen to this genre ever again, similar to 1992, but permanent. Unable to own the music, hear the music on the radio, or even listen to a song at a bar…what would you do to change this? Allow me to present the razor blade test. How many times will you cut yourself to bring a particular album back to your life? More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Power Ballads

Ever since Led Zeppelin released Stairway To Heaven, hard rock bands have showcased their sensitive spot through the power ballad. No genre exploited this format more than the eighties hair bands. A formula that started early: Release a heavy song, maybe two, and then release a ballad was a staple for the glam and spandex bands. This week we pay tribute to these songs. Despite a self imposed limit of one song per band, whittling down the list was a challenging. Let’s face it, no two top ten lists of this nature are ever the same. To assist, a sealed scorecard using lyrics, video presence, and longevity was used to determine the top ten power ballads. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Rumor Mill

Bret Michaels (Poison) is currently in discussions with Executives of American Idol over potentially being a judge for next year’s season. Even for FOX this is a little obvious, why not mix it up and throw Steven Adler (Adler’s Appetite, ex-Guns N Roses) in the mix, sitting next to Ellen (every five minutes whispering in her ear “I like lesbians”). Actually, why not really go for broke and have Adler, soft-spoken Slash (Velvet Revolver, ex-Guns N Roses), and Ozzy Osbourne as the judges, no one will understand a word which would be a welcomed change. Of course, we keep on Ellen because, well, we do like lesbians… More...

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