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The Rockstar Ramblings: What If?

Photo of Guns N Roses

Band Photo: Guns N Roses (?)

This week a look back at what if certain break-ups, decisions, or meetings didn’t happen and how it would have turned out for the parties involved.

WHAT IF VAN HALEN DOESN’T SPLIT?
David Lee Roth stays with the VH brothers and continues touring to support the 1984 album. Eventually Roth loses his voice for a very long time, but this doesn’t stop Eddie and Alex from making their next album, an instrumental only record, titled: 1986. Despite Roth’s voice gone, they still tour (with DLR only doing karate kicks on stage) and for two years sell out arenas worldwide. Eventually, their popularity dies down with the ill-advised 1990 album titled: Still Runnin’ With The Devil. As for Sammy Hagar? Without VH in his way he focuses on his tequila, eventually forming a strong partnership with a leading brand and goes on to make billions with Jose Haggar…

WHAT IF DAVID COVERDALE DOESN’T MEET TAWNY KITAEN?
Instead, Coverdale uses Bobbie Brown (Jani Lane’s ex-wife, used in the video for Cherry Pie) for his videos. Kitaen eventually finds work when the boys from Warrant are looking for a girl for their videos. When they review her resume and see “fucks cars well”* they immediately shoot a video with her on a Trans Am. After a year she ends up on the VH1 show Surreal Life. So, not much changes, except that Tawny is remembered as the girl on top of a Trans Am versus a Jaguar. As for Bobbie Brown? Yeah, that also is pretty much the same, which is another way to say it doesn’t end well…

* Note that I am a firm believer Tawny’s appearance in her videos was her “first time” on a car. This was a skill she clearly picked up at an early age.

WHAT IF POISON PICKS SLASH OVER C.C.?
Within six months Poison goes from the greatest band to nothing due to lack of chemistry and breaks up. After a few years pass Slash joins the VH1 Surreal Life house where he meets Tawny Kitaen and Vanilla Ice. After the show they cut a record named “Lipstick and Trans Ams” and tour pool halls, bowling alleys, and sports bars named Champs. They win an Oscar and are featured on an episode of The Simpsons. Where does C.C. fit into all of this? After going through several guitarists, Guns N Roses finally gives C.C. DeVille a shot. He doesn’t even to make it through one song before Izzy stabs him in the heart and Duff begins eating his leg…

WHAT IF VINCE NEIL DOES REAL TIME FOR MURDER?
Essentially, after his DUI conviction, if Vince Neil is sentenced to several years in prison where does this leave the band Motley Crue? Nikki stays sober (or at least off heroin) to focus on the band's big comeback. The next album (after Shout At The Devil) becomes Dr. Feelgood with the songs “Wild Side” and “Home Sweet Home,” becoming one of the biggest albums of all time. Sounds okay, right? Sadly this story also ends with an ill-fated appearance by Vince Neil on Dancing with the Stars…

WHAT IF OZZY DOESN’T MEET SHARON?
Ozzy Osbourne, sick of feeling sick, retires from music and the rock star life, moving to Nebraska. One day while walking around Omaha he trips on an uneven sidewalk and decides to do something about it. Two years later he is greeted as Governor Ozzy…

Rockstar_Scribbler's avatar

David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.

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3 Comments on "The Rockstar Ramblings: What If?"

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Anonymous Reader
1. sylvie writes:

Nice article. There're some very good ideas and some that are downright lame. In other words, there something for everyone. ;)
I love the phrasing of Tawny Kitaen “f***ing cars well” lol. I've seen that video a thousand times and would never have thought of putting it that way. True, though.

# Jan 28, 2011 @ 6:33 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
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Senior News Correspondent

2. sonictherapy writes:

Vince Neil has to surrender by Feb 12th to CCDC so he can do 15 days "hard time" for his latest DUI arrest last June, plus he must do 15 days of house arrest after that. They usually go easy on the rich out here, or maybe they figured his tattoo salon would suffer without him there to manage it.

# Jan 28, 2011 @ 4:36 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
3. Josh_of_Doom writes:

All the bands you mentioned above are pop rock, so sorry, I did not read much.

# Feb 10, 2011 @ 12:00 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address

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