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Archive: The Rockstar Ramblings Columns

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Down & Dirty

This week a look at the band Down & Dirty and the release of their first video: “Taste of Rock & Roll”. Based in Chicago, Down & Dirty have released an album by the same name this year. Research on the band quickly turned up two items. First, that the band is relatively new to the scene. Secondly, they have a large number of groupies – already. Why every fourteen year old kid doesn’t teach himself how to play guitar is beyond me. PICK ONE: A. Master’s Degree B. White picket fence C. Groupies. Don’t feel too dirty, most picked the same one as you. Now a look at the video… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Duff McKagan, Writer

Duff McKagan has released an 80 page excerpt of his upcoming autobiography titled It’s So Easy (And Other Lies). For those hesitant to read another “rockography” or are burned out from reading ex-Guns N’ Roses books I’m here to say you may want to give this one a chance. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: 1984

Van Halen announced that they have completed mixing their new album. This news jumped the Vegas line from 50-1 to a 10-1 shot of this album actually happening. It has been 27 years since the last David Lee Roth-Van Halen album. A lot has changed during this time, a few examples: In 1984 The Cosby show premiered along with “Cosby Sweaters”, it was also the year the AIDS virus was discovered. Apparently there is no connection between the two. It was also the year stonewashed jeans were introduced. Vanessa Williams was stripped (pun intended) of her Miss America crown when nude photos were discovered and Michael Jackson’s hair caught fire during the shooting of a Pepsi commercial. Apparently these events also had no connection to the discovery of AIDS, despite many remaining suspicious… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Chickenfoot’s “Big Foot”

This week a look at Chickenfoot’s latest video, “Big Foot”.

The video starts off as every alcoholic’s nightmare. Waking up in a chicken coup, wearing a chicken costume. It’s an odd choice to drink out of the same water bucket as the other chickens, but then again, it’s probably a nasty hangover and any beverage will do at this point. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The GNR Video Trilogy

After the albums Appetite for Destruction and Lies, Guns N Roses released two albums at the same time titled Use Your Illusion I and II. From this double release would come three intertwining videos known as ‘The Trilogy’.

This week a look back at these videos and the excess involved.

DON’T CRY
The video begins with a baby floating to the top of water. The baby has blue eyes. Logically, the video cuts to Axl Rose who is caught in a Buffalo winter-like-blizzard. He is in a kilt and holding a gun. Ladies and gentlemen this is your setup to ‘The Trilogy’…now it gets weird.

Axl is now in his residence and is holding a gun and apparently contemplating suicide. His girl played by then girl friend Stephanie Seymour, wrestles the gun away, but not before Axl throws her against the wall; angry that his model girlfriend stopped him from killing himself. Next scene we are at a cemetery where Axl and his girl are having a picnic. Cut to the band playing on top of a skyscraper building. Shannon Hoon, the lead singer from Blind Melon joins Axl, singing along with the chorus. All members of the band have decided to carry bandanas that hang out of their back pocket, except for Matt Sorum (who replaced their original drummer Steven Adler) who is wearing his on his head. There is a sign that says WHERE’S IZZY signaling Izzy Stradlin’s departure from the band (replaced by guitarist Gilby Clarke). Axl is wearing a flannel shirt that is probably his way distancing himself from the backlash of hair bands that was beginning during this time. Axl does the “airplane” run from one side of the building to the other. This doesn’t appear safe.

Back to the drama, we have Duff and Slash separately having fights with their girls. Duff is outside a club/bar and Slash is out driving. It appears Duff tells his girl off while Slash decides to drive the girl off a cliff. I picture Slash and Duff in a bar later that night. DUFF: So I just said “Fuck You!” and that was it. SLASH: I drove my girl off a cliff. DUFF: Oh.

The video escalates with Axl in a hospital room that is probably an insane asylum. While Rose lies there in a gown another image of Axl wearing a kilt appears and then one wearing a blazer appears and then leaves. Just for kicks it would have been entertaining to have Axl with the hair from the “Welcome to the Jungle” video show up as well, but then sometimes I ask too much.

Back on the roof with the band and helicopters are overhead and Axl continues to run around like an airplane on this very high roof. At this point he might as well grab a pair of scissors as he runs because it’s clear all caution has been thrown out the window.

Back in the hospital and Axl’s hand’s are shaking and he’s making this strange look like “see I told you” to the doctor who doesn’t seem very interested in what is happening. Next scene we are back in the cemetery and the grave has the name Axl Rose engraved on it with the ending year of 1990 which is because (as Axl later stated) a very suicidal year for him. Below the grave a green demon like Axl is looking up then we cut to a baby again coming up from the water. This time the eyes are green….and…..CUT!

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Remembering Jani Lane

Jani Lane: the singer, songwriter, and entertainer most noted for his role as front man of the band Warrant passed away last week. He was found in a Los Angeles area Comfort Inn with (according to police reports) a half-bottle of vodka and prescription pills close by. This week we take a look at some of Warrant’s videos. One last celebration of Jani Lane’s lyrics, hair, dance moves, and cringe worthy moments as we retire the following videos. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Bach is Back

Sebastian Bach (ex-Skid Row) is back with a new single and video titled “Kicking and Screaming”. This is the first single from his new album (by the same name) due this fall. Given Bach’s history of entertaining videos (“18 and Life” anyone?) this was definitely worth a look. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Guns N’ Corn

KISS members Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley are planning to collaborate on a memoir. Is it already assumed the first and last chapters will be “Gene” chapters?...

Alice Cooper has been asked to help design Universal Studios Halloween maze. For a rocker that has always used fright and horror as a back drop it looks like Cooper has been typecast with this project. Three years from now Alice will be receiving calls to go to Iowa and design corn mazes…

The medical mystery man Ozzy Osbourne recently lost his two front bottom teeth (crowns). With a show only days away, Ozzy frantically looked for a dentist to fix his mouth. I realize we are five months away from Christmas, but I already know what Ozzy wants…

A fan with a “professional” style camcorder got a surprise when Nikki Sixx (Motley Crue) went into the crowd to have him removed. Unfortunately from the video you are unable to see if there is in fact a camera or Sixx spotted on of Kat Von D’s new boyfriends. Either way Nikki might consider some additional insurance should he continue to jump into crowds at his age… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: 1986 M/F/K

25 years ago hard rock and glam albums found regular rotation on the radio and pop culture thanks to MTV, Circus Magazine, and eighties culture. 1986 was riding the fringe of hair band saturation, but also the year Metallica and Megadeth put out timeless efforts. Since 1986 we have seen the grunge era, the boy band era, and the release of St. Anger. We’ve seen it all in the last 25 years.

Here’s a look back at ten of these classic albums in no particular order. There is a twist as Marry/Fuck/Kill rules apply. It’s as simple as it sounds. M (Marry) is a song you want to “save” and listen to forever, F (Fuck) is the song you get one more listen to and that is it, and K (Kill) is the song you want to go away and never be heard from again.

Master of Puppets (Metallica)
M: Welcome Home (Sanitarium)
F: Damage, Inc.
K: The Thing That Should Not Be
(NOTE: It really is the perfect “F” song) More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Best. Bartender. Ever.

If Steven Adler (Adler’s Appetite, ex-Guns N Roses) has a “to do” list it would probably read “Make Amy Fisher Cry on Celebrity Rehab” and be crossed off several times... More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Dirty Pearls

The Dirty Pearls are a NYC based band keeping the sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll sleaze alive today. They have just released a video for their latest single, “Who’s Coming Back to Who”. When I heard Penthouse of the Year, Nikki Benz, would be in their new, well, I felt it was worth a look, or five. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Back in Rehab

Back from rehab and ready to go…

Motley Crue lead singer, Vince Neil, is set to receive an entertainment lifetime achievement award in Las Vegas. Rumor has it that there will be a special guest presenting the award to Neil. Given it is Las Vegas, fingers crossed that we may be very close to seeing Carrot Top’s defining moment in show business… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Giving Back

Steven Tyler (Aerosmith) is admitting that not only did he fall off the wagon in 2008, but fellow toxic twin, Joe Perry also joined him while they attempted to record a new album. The way Tyler tells it is that Joe was snorting so many prescription drugs he was unable to play guitar. Note that contrary to rumors, snorting non-prescription drugs does not enhance playing guitar…

With eight out of thirteen tracks completed, Sebastian Bach (ex-Skid Row) is expected to have a new album released in the Summer of 2011. Bach is promising rock and roll with clean vocals and lots of screaming. All signs are pointing to Sebastian putting his “country music” years behind him. It appears everyone has agreed to just ignore this and make believe it never happened and that’s fine with me...

After attending classes and making a donation to M.A.D.D., Vince Neil (Motley Crue) is fully clear of his DUI charge. Neil will have the weekend to rest and then appear back in court on Monday for battery and disorderly conduct charges. For those keeping track it’s: Vince Neil 2, Lindsay Lohan 2 for number of court appearances in 2011. The good news is both are below their annual average, the bad news is we are only one-third through the year… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Tax Man

News wires across the globe were quick to pick up the report that Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne owed a reported 1.7 million dollars in taxes to the Internal Revenue Service. The Osbourne's reportedly have paid this debt that was, in their words, news to them. It’s too bad because that is obviously a lot of money. Other ways they could have spent 1.7 million dollars:

Sharon could slip the 1.7 to Donald Trump as a political “donation” in hopes of becoming his running mate for the next Presidential election…

Pay for a billboard over Hollywood’s Sunset strip and hire Randy “Macho Man” Savage to promote Jani Lane’s new EP. Lane has a new EP coming soon that will be a free download with a choice to pay. Let’s make this happen. Lane and Savage side by side over West Hollywood. Lane needs to get back to making music and Savage needs to get back to selling consumer products. How does this benefit Ozzy? Probably doesn’t, but let’s assume Sharon has a crush on Randy Savage, if so, call it an early Christmas present. For more information go to www.stepintoaslimjim.com... More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Restored and Remastered

Forgetting about his recent trouble with the law, Vince Neil (Motley Crue) joined Steel Panther on stage at the Ovation Showroom in Green Valley Ranch, Las Vegas to sing Crue staples “Live Wire” and “Kick Start My Heart”. I’m not exactly sure where Green Valley Ranch is but I suspect the Ovation room is just down the hall from the Encore Center and Bravo-Bravo Hall… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Court and Rehab

This week Duff McKagan (Loaded, ex-Guns N Roses) put to rest the rumor that Guns N Roses will be reuniting for next year’s Super Bowl. Even I knew that. Everyone knows there won’t be a football season next year… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Draft

Welcome to the first (and probably last) annual glam rocker draft. I am your moderator for this event; we will meet our four participants shortly, first a look at the rules. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: All About The $

Michael Sweet from the Christian glam band Styper is auctioning off the rights to the classic song “Together as One” as well as dinner with Sweet. Aggressive drinkers who have a tendency to drop a lot of F bombs during the main course are advised to stay away… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: It’s like X meets Y

While Vince Neil (Motley Crue) does his time in jail his girl on the outside is concerned because he’s working the breakfast shift and has only eaten some peanut butter and a baloney sandwich. Given the length of his sentence (less than a month) this doesn’t sound like anything of concern. This sounds like fat camp for middle aged rock singers… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The White Fox

Nikki Sixx (Motley Crue, Sixx A.M.) is looking for a new rock band to mentor and sign. Sixx has even put out the email address: Nikki@sixxsense.com for anyone to contact him. I’ve created three email drafts, but stopped short of sending each because I’m unable to craft a message without referencing his jumpsuit craze during the Theatre of Pain years… More...

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