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Archive: The Rockstar Ramblings Columns

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The 80’s Album Razor Test

This week I give you my top albums from the eighties hair bands. Essentially a top twenty-five list, with a twist; imagine all of the albums from the eighties disappeared and you could no longer listen to this genre ever again, similar to 1992, but permanent. Unable to own the music, hear the music on the radio, or even listen to a song at a bar…what would you do to change this? Allow me to present the razor blade test. How many times will you cut yourself to bring a particular album back to your life? More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Power Ballads

Ever since Led Zeppelin released Stairway To Heaven, hard rock bands have showcased their sensitive spot through the power ballad. No genre exploited this format more than the eighties hair bands. A formula that started early: Release a heavy song, maybe two, and then release a ballad was a staple for the glam and spandex bands. This week we pay tribute to these songs. Despite a self imposed limit of one song per band, whittling down the list was a challenging. Let’s face it, no two top ten lists of this nature are ever the same. To assist, a sealed scorecard using lyrics, video presence, and longevity was used to determine the top ten power ballads. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Rumor Mill

Bret Michaels (Poison) is currently in discussions with Executives of American Idol over potentially being a judge for next year’s season. Even for FOX this is a little obvious, why not mix it up and throw Steven Adler (Adler’s Appetite, ex-Guns N Roses) in the mix, sitting next to Ellen (every five minutes whispering in her ear “I like lesbians”). Actually, why not really go for broke and have Adler, soft-spoken Slash (Velvet Revolver, ex-Guns N Roses), and Ozzy Osbourne as the judges, no one will understand a word which would be a welcomed change. Of course, we keep on Ellen because, well, we do like lesbians… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Books NOT Coming Soon

With the onslaught of eighties rock autobiographies and even more biographies set to be released over the next several months; a look at some of the books that didn’t make the cut.

“Mark F’n Slaughter”
The Mark Slaughter story. An entire chapter focuses on (with proof) that he was in fact born with the name: Mark Slaughter. Even at page ten it begins to feel like a long read.

“Growing Old Gracefully, The Sebastian Bach Story”
Bach walks us through a child hood not full of rock star dreams, but dreams of reality television, specifically weight loss television shows. “I remember when I was five, I remember thinking, man I can’t weight to put on a few extra pounds and then show the world I can lose half the extra weight I gained.” If I had to describe the book in one word, it would have to be DEEP… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Ozzy vs. Jesus

Slash (ex-Guns N Roses, Velvet Revolver) will be getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. A compliment to his body of work, but backhanded at best given he is part of a list that includes Ed O’Neil (Al Bundy) and Neil Patrick-Harris (Doogie Howser)… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Heroic Bad Ass Moments

Last week Slash (Velvet Revolver, ex-Guns N Roses) was attacked on stage by a man attempting to tackle him from behind. The guitarist literally brushed off the offender and continued to play (on a broken guitar that would be replaced). In honor of this move this week we look at some of the heroic and/or bad ass (rating of 10) and not so heroic/or not so bad ass (rating of 1) moments from the world of videos. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Dr. Ozzy

Recent news of Ratt canceling their European tour due to Stephen Pearcy needing a hernia operation confirms what the lead singer has been hinting at for years, he really is doing the heavy lifting for this band…

SpikeTV aired their annual Guys Choice Awards this past week, awarding Ozzy Osbourne with the Literary Achievement award for his autobiography. In other rumored news, Ozzy will receive be receiving an honorary Medical Degree in Pharmaceuticals for his consistent stoned performance on The Osbournes… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Ozzy Factor

Jon Bon Jovi has reportedly quit cigarettes due to the high cost of smoking. Other areas Jon is rumored to be more frugal are: wearing Dockers instead of designer jeans, cutting his hair shorter to save on inflating shampoo costs, and switch from Aqua-Net to Walgreens brand hairspray…

Spirit of The Wild, Ted Nugent’s television show that takes you into the life of hunting with Ted, will return in HD to the Outdoor Channel. It will be nice to have a clear picture during sweeps week when Nugent takes out an entire herd of buffalo, with one bullet… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Revolver Awards Diary

The past weekend VH1 Classic showcased the Revolver Golden Gods Awards show (taped from April 9th), an annual show of hard rock and heavy metal awards chosen by the readers of the rock magazine, Revolver. You can catch reruns of this event twice daily, for the next eighteen months. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: R.I.P. Dio

Gene Simmons (Kiss) continues to push a “stage challenge” to both U2 and The Rolling Stones. I find it interesting this offer has yet to be extended to AC/DC. Is it just me, or when Kiss makes their version of a Superman movie (this will happen) we will learn that AC/DC is Gene’s Kryptonite? … More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Spring is Officially Here

Jani Lane (Warrant) has been arrested again on suspicion of DUI. Is it Spring already?...

Starring on VH1’s new special “UNDATEABLE: Top 100 things guys do that guarantee they won’t be dating or having sex” is Dee Snider (Twisted Sister) and Bret Michaels (Poison). They will also be sharing the stage with hip hop legend Sir Mix a Lot who is responsible for Reason #32: Don’t write a song about big asses… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Strip Club Inspired

Slash (Guns N Roses, Velvet Revolver) was recently in Sydney, Australia to launch the new MTV Classic television network. Slash and his wife met up with the young pop princess Justin Bieber who was hoping to have dinner with the guitar legend. Instead of a dinner invite Bieber got more than he bargained when Slash invited him out to a strip club. No news on whether Justin accepted the invite, but the rule is that any time an inappropriate strip club invite is made, it must inspire a column so here we go… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Tommy Lee on Biography

Occasionally I find myself in the nose bleed section of the cable listings, somewhere past TBS, USA, and TNT, but before the dreaded Country Music Channel. This week I was perusing the cable nose bleeds and came across the Biography episode of Tommy Lee. At first glance this didn’t sound that interesting, but I was quickly captured when I saw Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne as part of the documentary.

The interview portion begins with Tommy inside his famous home studio decorated complete with a Starbucks and cocktail lounge. Lee is quick to pull out his song “Good Times” for the crew to hear. From here, most of the interview is spent in his backyard, near a pond with gold fish. This is where we learn of the support his parents gave Tommy, to the point that his dad would create pyrotechnics by placing gun powder in pipes. Oh the father/son memories: fishing on a lake, throwing around the ball, and creating pipe bombs. As Tommy talks about his career with Motley and getting a break by touring with Ozzy the cameras continue to cut to blond star fuckers drooling over Lee. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Video Marathon

Thoughts while watching a video marathon and wondering whether Rob Halford decided to put tattoos on his skull before or after he shaved his head…

Production meeting prior to making the Dio video “Holy Diver”: Okay, so we need an abandoned church, an active steel mill, and a very large sword. Behind the Music: The Dio video props department…

In Guns N Roses “Welcome to the Jungle” Axl is getting off a bus with a very large suitcase. In Whitesnake’s “Is This Love” video Tawny Kitaen packs four pieces of lingerie into a large suitcase. Anyone interested to know the contents (or what for fictional purposes is supposed to be contained in their luggage)? I’m going to go with Hit Parader and Circus magazines for Axl and a pair of Bret Michaels (Poison) jeans for Kitaen. This mystery is right there with what is inside the briefcase from Pulp Fiction...While on the subject of “Jungle”, is Duff ever going to bring back the Bill Walton seventies style headband? I believe I speak for many when I say: I hope so… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Drinking Play List

Sammy Hagar (Van Halen, Chickenfoot) is set to celebrate the 20th anniversary of his Cabo Wabo Cantina. All are invited and asked to reply to ensure a reservation. The comprehensive list includes: Michael Anthony and… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Vote Slash for Office

Slash (Guns N Roses, Velvet Revolver) released his new solo album this week that includes a song sung by Ozzy Osbourne, “Crucify The Dead” containing the lyrics: "A loaded gun jammed by a rose/the thorns are not around your head/your ego cut you til you bled". Slash is adamant that the song is not about ex-band mate Axl Rose saying, “Yes, there were some key lines in there that were very suggestive of my experience. No, this is just an overall picture of the issues.” Prediction: We are two years from Slash running for a political office… More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Tattoos, Tequila, and Ratt

During the next couple months eighties glam artists Ratt and Vince Neil, and less glam, but very eighties, Slash and Ozzy Osbourne, will be releasing new albums. What year is it again? Anyway, this is a good time to not only start looking at the music, but the videos as well. This week: Vince Neil’s “Tattoos & Tequila” vs. Ratt’s “Best of Me”. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Kiss Coffeehouse

This past week Kiss announced a Kiss themed coffeehouse to be built in Melbourne, Australia. Given the graduation from action figures, iPod applications, and coffins this seems like a good time to propose other ventures for some of our other eighties rockers. More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Kiss Steel Cage Challenge

Forget Atkins, Low-Fat, or the South Beach diet: Try the new Sebastian Bach (Skid Row) Red Wine Only diet. Week six of Celebrity Fit Club displayed Bach easily beating ex-R&B star Bobby Brown in a long-distance running challenge up a hill. I guess I should point out Brown’s chronic chain smoking and potato chip addiction, but those are just details. Try the Red Wine Only diet today!... More...

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The Rockstar Ramblings: The GNR Video Trilogy II

In week four of Celebrity Fit Club we finally get to see Sebastian Bach (Skid Row) in true form, that is to say, the anger finally appears. The best comparison I see is looking at Skid Row’s self titled debut album versus the follow-up, Slave to The Grind, going from “I Remember You” to “The Threat,” a sweet ballad to destruction. In this episode Bach goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of minutes, hitting cameras, getting in the face of female teammates, and dropping fifty F-bombs in less than five minutes. Nice to have you back Sebastian… More...

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