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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Resolutions

Photo of Guns N Roses

Band Photo: Guns N Roses (?)

Duff McKagan (Velvet Revolver, Loaded, ex-Guns N Roses) has recently undergone sinus surgery to fix a quarter size hole caused from drug use. Based on this information I have to assume at some point Steven Adler’s (Adler’s Appetite, ex-Guns N Roses) nickname was Silver Dollar…

Bret Michaels (Poison), the never-say-no reality star has hooked up with Ford trucks to promote their new interactive computer generated voice for their vehicles. The commercial is hilarious, responding to Bret’s weather request with “it’s hot, fresh out of the toaster oven hot” as well as witty responses to Bret’s bandanas and tight pants. I’m thinking it, you’re thinking it, and I’m sure VH1 is thinking it: Ford presents VH1 Truck of Love…

Recently the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced that Alice Cooper will be inducted with the next group of “rock stars” that have made a contribu-, wait, I have no idea what the criteria is. Does anyone? Anyway, here’s to hoping Cooper comes out in his golf polo and three iron for his acceptance speech, and then says fuck it, runs backstage and comes out in Kiss make-up, and plays Kiss covers for twenty minutes. Not because of any confrontation between Cooper and Gene Simmons, but why not add a little fun and mystery to this event. After all, this has sort of turned into a joke. It’s not even fun to debate. No one even knows what it takes to get in…

Whitesnake will be hitting the road in 2011 to support their upcoming 11th album. No news on the release date, but expect hard-core fans to love the new album, critics try to compare to older material, and the rest of the world saying “They have eleven albums!”…

In a race to see which member of Motley Crue can bag more famous hot women, Nikki Sixx has pulled closer with the latest report that he is dating Denise Richards (ex-Charlie Sheen, ex-Richie Sambora). Clearly Nikki, despite his past list of Playboy caliber ladies, has a long way to go if he is going to catch Tommy Lee. Still this latest news is impressive considering his dark days of heroin use consisted of Sixx essentially living in a closet. Gives hope too many as well as a new meaning to coming out of the closet…

In other Bret Michaels news, he has recently confirmed reports that he has not had a drop of alcohol since his appendectomy surgery. I am stunned. That show (Life As I Know It) was done sober? Where did all of the Rock of Love Bret Beers go? Does anyone else picture a semi-trailer pulled off on a rest stop somewhere in Tennessee. On the side of the bus reads BRET BEERS, you open the trailer and a ton of empty cans fall out. You look in to find a bloated Big John and half-naked Rock of Love girl Lacey crushed, under cases of Bret Beers…

Word from American Idol is that Steven Tyler’s (Aerosmith) confused and lacking focus persona is drawing comparisons to a heavily medicated Paula Abdul. The list of people you never want to be compared to: Tony Danza, Screech (Saved by The Bell), Michael Vick (unless it’s purely physical ability related), Richard Simmons, 1980’s Kip Winger (unless it’s purely based on chest hair), Emilio Estevez’s character in The Breakfast Club, and Paula Abdul…

Gene Simmons (Kiss) continues to boast that he has had sex with over 5000 women and that he even has proof. After each conquest Simmons would take a Polaroid of the girl holding the hotel key in their hands. It is also rumored that Gene has Polaroid pictures of over 200 doctors holding a shot of Penicillin in their hands…

The search for a new lead singer to replace Scott Weiland (Stone Temple Pilots) is almost over for Velvet Revolver. Word from the band says they have someone in the studio that is younger than the other members of the band. Anyone else scared to Google Justin Bieber? Actually this has nothing to do with the lead singer search. Is it just me or is anyone else scared to Google Justin Bieber? I feel like I’d be put on a special list or something...

Joe Perry (Aerosmith) is keeping busy and productive. He has just recorded his own version of “Run, Run, Rudolph”. Next year will be a busy year for Perry with his next rumored project to be a rock opera centered around “Three Blind Mice”, part of the I’M OKAY ON MY OWN double album expected to release in 2011…

Given New Year’s is upon us, a couple of quick resolutions:

Ozzy Osbourne: To realize he is not crazy and that there are not voices in his head. That the voice is actually his wife, Sharon…

Vince Neil (Motley Crue): To stop this reality show nonsense and focus on his true calling and join the cast of Glee as the creepy janitor that hits on all of the young girls…

Sebastian Bach (Skid Row): Music and wine, wine and music, music and wine…

Jon Bon Jovi (Bon Jovi): To not be bitter at Alice Cooper for getting in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame…

Alice Cooper: To call Jon Bon Jovi every Tuesday, reminding him that he got in to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and Jon didn’t…

Ted Nugent: Two words, more meat…

Bret Michaels (Poison): To finally get on the celebrity edition of Wheel of Fortune…

Happy New Year to All!

Rockstar_Scribbler's avatar

David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.

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