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The Rockstar Ramblings: Bored to Death

Photo of Ozzy Osbourne

Band Photo: Ozzy Osbourne (?)

During a lazy Sunday I found myself catching up on previously recorded episodes of Bored to Death when much to my delight I discovered a couple Metal Mania episodes on queue. Here’s what I found:

In Kiss’s video for “Rock and Roll all Nite,” I wonder what was so bad that the girl coming down the stairs needed her eyes blacked out like they do on the show Cops. Also, is there someplace we can put all of the eighties brick-sized cell phones for display? I would definitely go to the Pre-2K Cell Phone Hall of Fame (maybe located in Indiana?) to see the phone Gene Simmons has while sitting on his throne in this video as well as the one used by Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell.

In “Blondes in Black Cars” by Autograph, the main female character is a brunette so she has to put on a blonde wig. It’s unclear exactly where she lives, but apparently it is forbidden to own one of these wigs because she is storing it under the bed, where bongs and revolvers are usually stored.

I find it amazing that Doublemint gum and the girls from the Cinderella videos never got together to make a commercial.

I wish I knew where The Scorpions shot pool because I haven’t seen girls like the ones in the video “Big City Nights” in any pool hall I’ve been to.

Best air guitar moment of all time? The security guard from Judas Priest “Breaking the Law” has to be in the running. He carries around a cardboard guitar just waiting for the right time to break it out.

Was there a contest between the videos “You Give Love a Bad Name” by Bon Jovi and “Wild Side” by Motley Crue to see which fans had larger breasts? I can’t believe I didn’t know this was happening.

Most assume the wall the kids are trying to beat down with their fists in Skid Row’s “Youth Gone Wild” is a metaphor, but I believe it’s much simpler than that. It’s just a bunch of stoned kids trying to get to the only known pizzeria, which just happens to be on the other side of a brick wall.

So was the idea in the video “Bang Go The Bells” by Babylon A.D. to create the strangest game show possible, but with a much hotter version of Vanna White?

Maybe it’s just me, but the way Joey Tempest (Europe) keeps his hands in his pockets during the video “Carrie” is creepy. This feeling is compounded by the jacket he is wearing which looks like something Kirk Cameron wore on Growing Pains.

During Ozzy’s “Bark at the Moon”, when Osbourne is being hauled away in a straight jacket, does anyone else immediately think Charlie Sheen? No? Me neither…

While watching the video “Dream Warriors” by Dokken I can’t help but think of the movie Nightmare on Elm Street which then leads me to my top three Johnny Depp acting moments: 1. The scene in Nightmare on Elm Street part I where Depp is dragged all across his bedroom (including the ceiling) leaving the entire room a bloodbath. 2. Any scene from 21 Jump Street where Johnny was sitting in little classroom desks. 3. Any scene from the movie Blow where Depp and Pee Wee Herman (Paul Reubens) are sharing the screen…

So an Anthrax video is on as my wife walks into the room. She asks if the lead singer (Joey Belladonna) is Weird Al Yankovic. The next video is Warrant’s “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. My wife says Jani Lane looks exactly like Bret Michaels. I think it’s time for a quick break…

…and I’m back. Two takeaways from “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”: First, we know this is a serious song because Jani is wearing two crosses, also, is it ever a good idea to get into a small fishing boat? Do we need to bring up Fredo Corleone?

In Krokus’s “Ballroom Blitz” the lead singer is wearing thigh high cherry red boots, tight white spandex – very tight, and what can only be described as Michael Jackson leather jacket with yellow highlights. This entire outfit still doesn’t distract from this song being awful…

Who is the old dude in the Judas Priest video “Locked In”? He is on the ground getting poked by the band, and if I might say, ACTING HIS ASS OFF! I tried to find out who this was, what else he has been in? I have found nothing. It’s like he never existed…

My take on Skid Row’s “I Remember You” is that the disheveled guy walking around staring at the picture of the girl was part of a Ponzi scheme, and his girlfriend left him after he lost all of his money.

It is clear that when Warrant shot the close-ups of Jani Lane’s head in the video for “Heaven” they didn’t expect these videos to be played on big screen televisions.

Regarding Kip Winger’s up-close chest hair in the video for “Madeleine”: See comments above regarding Jani Lane’s head.

So did the whole band of Hanoi Rocks just decide to wear the same hats worn by Culture Club for their video “Up Around The Bend” or was it coincidence that they were all trying to be ironic at the same time?...

In Motley Crue’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” Nikki Sixx immediately harasses an old dude by pulling a switch blade to take his front row table at the strip club. Midway through the song, Nikki knocks the head of another old dude. Finally, near the end we see Nikki and an old dude enjoying the show, nodding together. Some say this is a video about strippers. That may be true, but it is also a song about Sixx learning to appreciate old dudes, inside strip clubs.

There is no way the dishwasher from Poison’s “Nuthin’ But a Good Time” video doesn’t get fired in the end. There is way too much confetti flying around in that kitchen. That’s a health hazard and is not acceptable.

So was the lead singer of Jailhouse teased because he looked like “Fabio”, or is this just some sick thing in my own mind that I need to address?

Rockstar_Scribbler's avatar

David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.

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1 Comment on "The Rockstar Ramblings: Bored to Death"

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1. micheleeurope writes:

EUROPE are the best! the last album (LAST LOOK AT EDEN) is the best hard rock album of a decade!

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