The Rockstar Ramblings: The Draft
Band Photo: Guns N Roses (?)
Welcome to the first (and probably last) annual glam rocker draft. I am your moderator for this event; we will meet our four participants shortly, first a look at the rules.
There will be 4 rounds. Selections must be associated with the eighties and/or heavy metal glam movement. Aerosmith and Van Halen have both been ruled out; however, David Lee Roth is available due to his spandex induced solo career. Solo Ozzy Osbourne and his band are also available as is Guns N’ Roses. Each participant will select a total of four rock stars; none of the four can be in the same band (no Axl/Slash, Vince/Nikki, etc… dynamic). Each will select one vocalist, one guitarist, one bassist, and one drummer. Alive or dead, all are eligible.
Our current set up has me and the four participants sitting around a table in a dark basement apartment somewhere in New York City. There are three bottles of Patron opened and old issues of Hit Parader, Metal Edge, and Circus magazines spread around. There are several flat screen televisions surrounding us, all showing VH1 Classic. Without further ado, let’s meet the participants.
Amber’s favorite color is red. She likes a man with pouty lips that knows how to drive stick. She dances at The Back Door in Atlanta.
Destiny’s favorite hobby is driving with the top down. She enjoys rough sex and a good cry, often at the same time. Destiny dances at Exotica on Sunset Blvd in West Hollywood.
Raven gets turned on by guitars, amps, and when guys make it rain. Known as “The Whip”, she considers herself quiet and reading Tom Clancy novels is how she passes the time. Raven dances at The Fishing Pole, just outside Detroit (near the airport).
Houston – no bio given - when asked where she is from she replied, “Duh, look at my name. I live in Dallas”. Houston also dances near an airport.
Amber is up first and quickly selects David Lee Roth (Van Halen) believing he can carry any band on his own. She also likes his pouty lips. Destiny smiles as she selects Randy Rhoads (Ozzy Osbourne). It’s important to note that Destiny has a clipboard and sunglasses on. Raven, elated that no one has selected her pick as the number one overall pick, jumps up onto the table and removes a pair of breakaway sweatpants, then shouts: GENE SIMMONS (Kiss)! Houston points to a picture of Slash (Velvet Revolver, ex-Guns N Roses).
Houston starts off, selecting Rick Allen (Def Leppard). Assuming this was a mistake I consult the judges who say this is a legal pick so we continue. Raven is holding up a Circus magazine that has a centerfold picture of Tommy Lee (Motley Crue). I guess that this is her pick. Only the second round and two drummers have been chosen. This is the equivalent of back to back Defense picks in the second round of Fantasy Football – rarely paying off. Out of nowhere Destiny slides onto the table and begins singing “Sweet Child O’ Mine”. Destiny picks Axl Rose (Guns N’ Roses). Amber removes her top and selects George Lynch. I’m not sure Amber understands the rules, but the judges decide to allow this behavior.
Rick Savage (Def Leppard) is selected as the first pick of the third round by Amber. She really didn’t want to pick a bass player and is now doing a Patron body shot off of Houston to help her forget. As Amber licks salt off of Houston, Destiny selects Fred Coury (Cinderella). Raven takes Ozzy as her vocalist and Houston closes out the round singing “Here I Go Again (on my own)”, and selecting David Coverdale (Whitesnake).
After Houston’s rendition of what she refers to as “A song about my life” she selects Nikki Sixx (Sixx A.M., Motley Crue) as her bass player, adding “He would probably get me!” Raven grabs Destiny’s clipboard when she looks away, and then selects Robbin Crosby (Ratt) as her guitarist. Controversy scars the next pick as Destiny selects Jack Blades from Night Ranger. Judges rule Blades is not eligible. Raven then selects Geddy Lee (Rush), again, the judges rule not eligible with any explanation. Out of nowhere she pulls out a joint and puts on a cowboy hat. She selects Bobby Dall (Poison) and begins crying. The final round ends with Amber selecting Rikki Rocket (Poison), then saying she is kidding, and then selecting Steven Adler (Adler’s Appetite, ex-Guns N Roses). There is five minutes of silence after this pick to ensure she is again, not kidding.
After a closing round of shots we have our bands:
Amber: David Lee Roth (vocals), George Lynch (guitar), Rick Savage (bass), Steven Adler (drums)
Destiny: Axl Rose (vocals), Randy Rhoads (guitar), Bobby Dall (bass), Fred Coury (drums)
Raven: Ozzy Osbourne (vocals), Robbin Crosby (guitar), Gene Simmons (bass), Tommy Lee (drums)
Houston: David Coverdale (vocals), Slash (guitar), Nikki Sixx (bass), Rick Allen (drums)
On paper, Raven has put together a true Super Group. Chemistry issues are already forming for Houston’s group and this is only a fictional draft. Both Amber and Destiny also have the recipe for power struggles between their lead singers and guitarist, but isn’t that half the fun?
I look around to wrap up with the girls and all I see are empty bottles of Patron Bottles and crumpled heavy metal magazines. Uh, were there actual judges for this? Oh no, did I just drink three bottles of Patron and imagine the whole thing? I hate when this happens…
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