"some music was meant to stay underground..."

Metal News for April 1, 2003

Last updated on July 22, 2014 at 3:51 PM ET

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3 news articles posted on this day.

Just For Fun

Ozzy Breaks Hip, Ozzfest Cancelled

Ozzy reportedly slipped on a pile of dog doo in his home and broke his hip. Ozzy’s immediate comments were “I’m gonna fucking kill that dog. I’m going to fucking kill ALL of them and eat them! Then I won’t have to worry about falling in piles of dog shit in my own house, much less replacing carpets and furniture.”

The tragic event was caught on video and is expected to air on The Osbournes’ second season soon. Viewership of the show is expected to skyrocket around the episode in which the footage is aired, but then drop sharply afterward.

Ozzy later addressed the impact of his injury on this year’s Ozzfest.

“Some of the fans encouraged me to sing anyway, but I just can’t fucking do that. If I can’t get around and fire the crowd up, I just can’t do it. Do you know what I say tho those kids? Go to fucking Lollapalooza this year! It’s almost the same shit, but I won’t be there.”

Based on above statements, we do not forsee another Ozzfest in the future…Ever.

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Just For Fun

James Hetfield Plans Duet With Britney Spears

Metallica singer James Hetfield is rumored to have made a deal to record with Britney Spears. It is thought that the band members finally sent him to rehab after this event.

“Shit, I think I met her at some fancy record execs’ party a couple years ago. I got shit-faced and ran into her and she was talking some shit about collaborating on a song. Hell, I don’t remember much else. I’d have gotten out of it, but some other record label exec was there and corroborated her story and tried to hold me to my word. I thought about suing him, but then thought ‘fuck it, why the hell not?’. We’ve done everything else [we were against], so why the fuck not? We’ve done soundtracks, remixes, collaborated with an orchestra and rap artist Ja Rule. What the hell can working with Britney do to our watered-down name?”

After the interview James was quoted as saying “That’ll teach me to fucking drink again. But what do you think about a Metallica Opera?”

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Just For Fun

Supergroup Disbands Before Playing Together

The supergroup GreatWhiteSnakeLionZombie, largely composed of individuals from disbanded 80’s hair metal bands, has decided to break up before ever playing a gig or recording together. Apparently, a debate sparked from within the group after small clubs were prohibited from allowing pyrotechnics around the country.

David Coverdale, formerly of Whitesnake, commented on situation that resulted in the breakup.

“There had been some personality issues along the way, but the pyrotechnics thing was the final straw. No pyro? The clubs we play are too small for a good light show, so what’s left? Pyro was the last bit of entertainment we had. Now what are we gonna do up there?”

(ed. well, there's always the Axl Shuffle.)

John Ricci, one-time guitarist for White Zombie and second guitar for GreatWhiteSnakeLionZombie had this to say:

“I thought it was a long shot with these guys, but I didn’t have a lot going on. I guess it’s for the best. I kinda felt like the odd-dude out. I mean, these guys all had egos like they were still in the heyday of glam-metal back in the 80’s. But when it all comes crashing down over some cheesy fireworks…I thought this was about the music or something. But it was always about the glam and re-living the 80’s. Where’s the glam in doing gigs in shitty little dirt holes day after day across the country? At least I don’t have to wear any makeup or worry about my hair now.”

The band’s first single was to be “Wait, Here I Go Again Babe I’m Gonna Leave You (The Agony).” A remix of their first album was also planned. There was talk of Rob Zombie producing the remix album, but all members were strongly against him producing any of their videos. One band member wishing to remain anonymous said “We don’t want to look like a bunch of nasty fucking horror monsters! Do you have any idea how long I spend on my hair every morning?”

In related news, Great White has reportedly resumed touring again.

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