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Archive: Just For Funs

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Summer Sanitation Tour 2004 Coming Together

Finally an informed source reports that details for this year’s Summer Sanitation Tour 2004 are coming together. The bands expected to play are as follows:

Def Tone Loc
Stinkin Fart
Limp ShitStick

As rap-rock is dead, this year’s tour will hit clubs, particularly seedy ones at that, instead of stadiums. More details to come…

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CorrosiveMind Fired From Metalunderground.com

After a warning about posting about the Darkness, CorrosiveMind posted yet another story about the Darkness not too long ago. After much deliberation and a few drinks to get the courage, the decision was made. Doug, (aka deathbringer) was quoted as saying the following among other incoherent mumbling:

“Goddammit, wtf is this pansy a$$ Darkness glam sh** doing on metalunderground?!?!? I’m gonna kill that sonnuvab**** for posting this sh** again!!! [belches]”

Other offenses included “reasonable discussions” of the merits of Slipknot (we all know that Slipknot is the “best band” that “sucks ass” EVAR, so stfu and DIE MAGGOTS), posting stories moments before I do, thereby invalidating my own efforts, and that awful story about Phil today...RIP.

In order to maintain a respectable level of metal news, we just had to let him go. It’s a shame this had to be done, seeing how the Darkness have now gone Black Metal…

Next up, more details about the Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit and Finger Eleven tour…

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Slayer Officially Break Up

For a while I have been hearing about a Slayer break up, but refused to post anything about it here due to the fact that something this important shouldn't be tossed around until it's confirmed. It has been confirmed and the story is as follows: More...

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Fred Durst Legally Changes Name to fredurst

It was just discovered through a records search on the Internet that Fred Durst has legally changed his name to fredurst. Following the limpbizkit incident, it's expected that he'll think the better of it and change it back shortly.

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Cradle Of Filth Possessed?

CRADLE OF FILTH bassist Dave Pybus has posted the following studio update on the band's official web site:

"It's official... CRADLE OF FILTH are possessed!!! We have now been transformed into zombified pork scratching eating fiends! On my return from a short weekend break, I was instructed NOT to come back unless I brought with me a whole sack of pork scratchings (to those who have no idea what I'm talking about, it's small bags of rock hard fatty pig skin!). The guys were rabid and scoffed the lot like greedy blood-crazed shits! Zombie patrol Vs. Ghoul tools Vs. Tag team tossers! They did taste good though.

On a more serious note: Maybe some of you are wondering how the new record is shaping up. Well, Adrian has completed all drums. I should be done with bass this week too. Dani has started vocals on like 6 or 7 tracks. Paul has nearly completed all his guitars and James has a few songs left to play. Martin... I mean he's well into his keyboards. Everyone is very excited when we get to hear the tracks building up and there is way more variation with the songs. Fast, slow, moody, ultra fast, evil! You know the general theme... HEAVY METAL!!! True and simple. Only CRADLE OF FILTH styleee! We also have the album cover design 99% there and just done a few new t-shirt designs. Visited at the studio by our endorser rep and general superhero Dom Fairbanks!

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Stratovarius 'Sex, Drugs & Rock 'n Roll' Video

Following the recent turmoil, STRATOVARIUS are back in the news. This time Tolkki reveals some details regarding the new single and video from the next album:

"I have always been a huge fan of CRADLE OF FILTH. Their videos are so perfect, (imbued) with strong emotions. I just asked Danny to be the director of our new video and he agreed! Damn that’s fucking great. You'll find a lot of blood and dark atmosphere on that video."

Dark atmosphere but also a lot of sex…

“With Miss K as a singer, it’s impossible to avoid the sex part that you find on COF videos. Miss K will be certainly naked on that video… And I may be as well…"

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In Flames On Immortal Records?

IN FLAMES, who have just released their last album “Soundtrack To Your Escape” and finished out the contract with Nuclear Blast could be signing a deal with the KORN owned label “Immortal” [Epic].

On the official Korn website, Jonathan D. says:

“This band is excellent, in fact their style (of music) is very close to ours. A record deal with my label will be signed very soon. We are already working on some tracks to appear on their next album. We are planning on a duet, Anders and me. . That will be a great mix of Melodeath and Nu Metal yeah…

There are also rumors In Flames will be covering up for Korn on the first part of their US tour. Hardly anyone will notice the difference.

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RIAA Admits To Misrepresenting Statistics

Today, the RIAA admitted to purposefully misrepresenting statistics and misleading the public and media. This comes only days after the findings of a Harvard study that found that music downloading has little impact on music sales.

Spokesperson Amy Weiss was unavailable to comment, presumably fired after her own recent comments. However, spokesperson Jackie Brown made only this brief statement, with luggage in tow:

"The ride's been fun. The cat is out of the bag. Those [bleeped] academics have ruined the fun for everyone again. Farewell."

It is rumored that the degree of misrepresentation is much greater than previously thought. Not only were the RIAA failing to tell us with each claim that music sales had been declining every year for the past ten years (well before downloading of music was an issue), but also that their numbers represented only the sales of actual vinyl record sales, and did not attribute said annual declines in sales to the advent of the 8-track, cassette tape, DAT, CD or DVD, much less an increase in CD prices or the state of the economy.

Buckets of unredeemed winning Pepsi caps in the iTunes contest were found near the incinerator in the abandoned RIAA complex, which are expected to be used to settle any complaints against them. Please contact your lawyer to claim your free music downloads as settlement. It is predicted that CD prices will fall to just under $10 and CD singles to around $2 with noone to defend/represent the price-fixing megacorporations.

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Metallica And Megadeth To Tour In 2005

Metallica are said to be confirmed for a tour in 2005 with Megadeth, Kreator, In Flames, and Bleeding Through as the opening act. Despite past fueds between Metallica and Dave Mustaine all seems to be working out between them now. When approached about this tour James Hetfield had this to say in response:

“All of us here in ‘Tallica are VERY excited about this tour, it will be bringing some of the greatest bands out from the old-school scene together and some new school as well! It will also bring a lot more variety of different crowds to our shows. The thing with Dave(Mustaine) is in the past now, we have all reconciled our differences and moved on. We’re really looking forward to this kick ass tour man! We better see you all out there supporting ‘Tallica and the rest of the guys at all the shows!”

Also, Dave Mustaine had this to say in response to being asked about this tour as well:

“Hey droogies, I have been working on my relationship with all of the guys from Metallica for a few years now. Finally after about 20 years I will be joining them out on tour again. This time with Megadeth instead of playing for Metallica. I am really excited about this tour it has some very talented bands on it, 3 distinguished bands in the metal scene and 2 up-and-coming artists you all will love. I know this may seem far-fetched but it is true, I couldn’t be any happier this tour is going down. I’m sure the tour dates for this tour will be announced by the time this gets out to the press. I hope to see everyone at the venues and am looking forward to hanging out with all of you as well.”

Click "More" to see list of tour dates released so far. More...

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EyeHateManmadeHornedLamb OfGodForbidHeadSize...

Supergroups are all the rage in metal and this year has one major one we’re looking forward to (assuming Velvet Revolver’s Scott Weiland can’t stay out of jail/rehab). Christian metal band EyeHateLambOfGodForbidHeadSizeSmackFleshDethronedAmongInsectMen are comprised of members past and present from so many bands we won’t even bother trying to name them. Besides, you won’t recognize them anyway because the only other thing cooler than supergroups these days is wearing masks on stage. The band’s debut album, ‘God Complex’ is due out April 15 through Pantheon Records. Some song titles are said to include: “Goddammit”, “God, I Want To Rip Your Throat Out”, “You Really God Me Now”, and “Oh God, You Devil”.

The staff at metalunderground.com are really looking forward to this release and hoping the supergroup will gel with a little more success than last year’s hopefuls GreatWhiteSnakeLionZombie who never saw the release of their album “Wait, Here I Go Again Babe I’m Gonna Leave You (The Agony).”

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Phil Anselmo Found Dead In Bus While On Tour

I for one am shocked and saddened by this next post, as I am an extremely huge fan of Pantera and Down. It is truly a sad day for all of Phil's fans. R.I.P. Phil, you will be missed dearly!

Today will be remembered forever for all Pantera, Superjoint Ritual and Down fans. Lead singer Phillip Anselmo was found dead today. The discovery was made on-board the Superjoint Ritual bus in route to Atlanta‘s show from Tampa Florida. Apparently by Rex and Hank Williams III. They stated that they found him with a syringe sticking out of his right arm. Also, the toxicology report from the coroner said "no narcotics other then marijuana were found in his system at the time of autopsy." They also stated later in the report they found extremely high amounts of glucose in his blood stream. That only leads one to believe Phil must‘ve mistaken brown sugar for heroin he attempted to purchase in his hometown. Official cause of death was heart failure, apparently the sugar must've gotten into his heart and clogged the main arteries and therefore the heart failed to work.

We expect a date and time and place for the viewing to be released soon, and as soon as it is it will be made available to everyone right here.

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Ozzy Breaks Hip, Ozzfest Cancelled

Ozzy reportedly slipped on a pile of dog doo in his home and broke his hip. Ozzy’s immediate comments were “I’m gonna fucking kill that dog. I’m going to fucking kill ALL of them and eat them! Then I won’t have to worry about falling in piles of dog shit in my own house, much less replacing carpets and furniture.”

The tragic event was caught on video and is expected to air on The Osbournes’ second season soon. Viewership of the show is expected to skyrocket around the episode in which the footage is aired, but then drop sharply afterward.

Ozzy later addressed the impact of his injury on this year’s Ozzfest.

“Some of the fans encouraged me to sing anyway, but I just can’t fucking do that. If I can’t get around and fire the crowd up, I just can’t do it. Do you know what I say tho those kids? Go to fucking Lollapalooza this year! It’s almost the same shit, but I won’t be there.”

Based on above statements, we do not forsee another Ozzfest in the future…Ever.

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James Hetfield Plans Duet With Britney Spears

Metallica singer James Hetfield is rumored to have made a deal to record with Britney Spears. It is thought that the band members finally sent him to rehab after this event.

“Shit, I think I met her at some fancy record execs’ party a couple years ago. I got shit-faced and ran into her and she was talking some shit about collaborating on a song. Hell, I don’t remember much else. I’d have gotten out of it, but some other record label exec was there and corroborated her story and tried to hold me to my word. I thought about suing him, but then thought ‘fuck it, why the hell not?’. We’ve done everything else [we were against], so why the fuck not? We’ve done soundtracks, remixes, collaborated with an orchestra and rap artist Ja Rule. What the hell can working with Britney do to our watered-down name?”

After the interview James was quoted as saying “That’ll teach me to fucking drink again. But what do you think about a Metallica Opera?”

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Supergroup Disbands Before Playing Together

The supergroup GreatWhiteSnakeLionZombie, largely composed of individuals from disbanded 80’s hair metal bands, has decided to break up before ever playing a gig or recording together. Apparently, a debate sparked from within the group after small clubs were prohibited from allowing pyrotechnics around the country.

David Coverdale, formerly of Whitesnake, commented on situation that resulted in the breakup.

“There had been some personality issues along the way, but the pyrotechnics thing was the final straw. No pyro? The clubs we play are too small for a good light show, so what’s left? Pyro was the last bit of entertainment we had. Now what are we gonna do up there?”

(ed. well, there's always the Axl Shuffle.)

John Ricci, one-time guitarist for White Zombie and second guitar for GreatWhiteSnakeLionZombie had this to say:

“I thought it was a long shot with these guys, but I didn’t have a lot going on. I guess it’s for the best. I kinda felt like the odd-dude out. I mean, these guys all had egos like they were still in the heyday of glam-metal back in the 80’s. But when it all comes crashing down over some cheesy fireworks…I thought this was about the music or something. But it was always about the glam and re-living the 80’s. Where’s the glam in doing gigs in shitty little dirt holes day after day across the country? At least I don’t have to wear any makeup or worry about my hair now.”

The band’s first single was to be “Wait, Here I Go Again Babe I’m Gonna Leave You (The Agony).” A remix of their first album was also planned. There was talk of Rob Zombie producing the remix album, but all members were strongly against him producing any of their videos. One band member wishing to remain anonymous said “We don’t want to look like a bunch of nasty fucking horror monsters! Do you have any idea how long I spend on my hair every morning?”

In related news, Great White has reportedly resumed touring again.

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