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Archive: Columns

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Rock and Ribs

Ex-front man Stephen Pearcy (Ratt, Arcade, Rat Bastards) is currently on tour. He is singing songs from all of his previous bands as well as playing all leads on the guitar, giving new meaning to a SOLO tour. Taking a page from Bret Michaels, Pearcy is also looking for all girl rock bands for an upcoming reality show. On the surface this appears to be a way to meet girls and exploit them on reality television; however, he insists it is all legit. Well played Stephen, wink-wink. More...

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Tales From The Pit: Shai Hulud Loves Pit Ladies

We've been talking to bands to hear their best pit stories. This week, we've got a tale from Matt Fox, guitarist for Shai Hulud.

"I learned pretty early on I wasn't suited for "moshing", though I certainly had no idea I could sustain an injury simply standing in "the pit"...

At a They Might Be Giants show.

For those unfamiliar with They Might Be Giants, they're not terribly mosh-friendly, a far cry from Slayer in speed and aggression (and Satanism for that matter) and inspire more pogo hops than anything else - there is, however, the odd stage dive. I didn't expect it, and I didn't see it coming, but I felt it well enough. I'm not sure if it was a stray hand that belted me, or if the diver and I collided forehead to forehead, regardless, it smarted. The shock of the impact was brief; the shock of the one and a half seconds that followed lasted a good 15 fifteen years plus, as I'm here retelling this story from 1992 in 2009.

So there I am, after getting good and smacked, holding the culprit in the air with another person who's got her legs. Me? I've got her breasts. All two of them. One in each hand. How they got there, I have no idea. I was too busy getting physically smashed to intentionally grope anyone. She scowled at me, and then I pawned her off on the person to my left. If they got past second base with her, I'll never know."

In the next installment of "Tales from the Pit" we'll hear from Angela and Justin from Facedown band The Great Commission. To give you an idea, it involved barbed wire, fireworks, and baseball bats.

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Jack Osbourne Updates

Ozzy Osbourne continues to keep his family employed. This week it was announced that Jack Osbourne is producing a documentary on Ozzy titled “Wreckage of My Past” where candid interviews will be given by those close to him. Can anyone else wait ten years from now when Jack heads up an Ozzy tribute band? More...

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Tales From The Pit: Jono Helps a 1-Legged Man Mosh

We've been talking to bands to hear their best pit stories. This week, we've got a tale from Jono, drummer for The Destro:

"All too often on the road, the words "I'll never forget this" are uttered out of my mouth. A stop in Wichita Kansas was the perfect opportunity. The night goes as typical as any given show night, a set full of intense headbanging, plenty of booze to counter the side effects, and just enough pointless conversation with strangers to entertain yourself. In the middle of one of those conversations, i was asked to do something i simply couldn't refuse, pick up and assist this dude in the pit....that was completely wasted....and missing a leg. i picked up and spun the guy fast enough to inflict some serious hurt on anyone in the way of his roundhouse kick. No one was safe from our crippling violence, including us. We were eventually ganged up on and taken to the ground. Turns out picking up a guy with one leg is way harder than it sounds. Watching my inebriated attempts had to be agonizing for everyone paying attention. I finally got him up. He pounded my fist, showed some horns, and hopped off. I’ll never forget that; dude was a rager."

In the next installment of "Tales From The Pit" we'll hear from Matt Fox of Shai Hulud.

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The Rockstar Ramblings: Size Does Matter

As we stumble upon the summer tour season we constantly hear the phrase “big” tour. Whether it is in reference to the number of bands playing, number of asses in the seats, or size of the stage show, a lot of bands claim to own the “big show” title.

Bands like Van Halen, Guns N’ Roses, and Aerosmith (among others) for years have touted their tours in this regard and all (to some degree) have a right to throw their hat in the circle. This year is no exception: Kiss is following up a new album with what they are calling their biggest show ever, Metallica is again filling arenas on the road, and festivals drawing many bands are still going strong. Does tour “size” need to be qualified? Probably not, but what the hell….I personally haven’t given much thought to this until this week when I read the following: As AC/DC prepares for their Australian tour there is word that they will need forty-eight semi trailers to haul their equipment. Forty-eight trailers? I’ll let that one hang there for a minute… More...

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Tales From The Pit: Gwar Defeats A Wall of Death

We've been talking to bands to hear their best pit stories and will be posting a new story every week in this new column dubbed "Tales From The Pit."

This week, we've got a tale from Oderus Urungus, lead singer of GWAR:

"The greatest pit war at any GWAR show was at one of our first gigs at the legendary "City (shitty) Gardens" venue in Trenton. N.J.. We were pretty unknown at the time, but the promoter loved us, so we would show up on any number of weird bills. One month we were opening for Danzig's first show without the Misfits, the next we were playing with Murphy's Law at a huge skinhead show. That's where it happened. Despite Jimmy Gestapo's love of GWAR, the local crew didn't quite know what to make of us, and decided to see what we were made of by forming 'the wall of death.' We looked up about halfway though the set and saw the mosh pit clear, to be replaced by a huge line of bellicose skinheads, linking arms, facing the stage, and preparing to charge. We only had seconds to act as the screaming mob rushed us. The assault wasn't too well-planned and slammed into the front on the five foot stage where it dissolved into a writhing mass of boots, fists, and bald heads. Before they could figure out what to do next (could have taken years), they were met by a barrage of GWAR spew, applied liberally by the Sexecutioner, which completely drenched and befuddled them, rendering their "Wall of Death" into an impotent blob."

Stay tuned for a new tale from the pit next week, when we hear from Jono Garret, drummer for The Destro.

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The Rockstar Ramblings: American Idol Edition

Well, I think this makes it official. Velvet Revolver is unable to find a new lead singer. What else could possibly explain Slash appearing on the Fox family hour better known as American Idol? More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Reunion Recap

Riki Rachtman again hosted the Rock of Love tour reunion. After introducing each of the girls (even the ones eliminated after one episode) he says, “and Big John”, as if was the opening credits of Cheers with “and George Wendt as Norm”. After introducing Bret, Riki gives him a big hug and whispers, “Thanks for the gig man”. More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Season Finale Recap

Bret takes the final two girls, Taya and Mindy, to the Dominican Republic where he will spend time with each girl and make his final decision. Michaels sits the girls down and explains in air quotes they are going to take a “private jet” to the “Dominican Republic” as if that is not where they are really going to go. They take a private jet to the Dominican Republic. More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Episode 11 Recap

Mindy, Taya, and Jamie, the most boring girls from this season, just happen to be the last three. This group is so dull that heading to Miami (the next stop) doesn’t even sound fun, and Miami is always fun. More...

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Osbournes Reloaded Recap Episode 1

There are two dogs and two f-bombs for shock benefit in the first minute, not exactly Prince of Darkness nor comedy material. Ozzy is standing in front of the stage yet Sharon must announce “Ozzy is here” to the audience.. I believe this was for Ozzy’s benefit and apparently needs to be reminded every five minutes. More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Episode 10 Recap

In Orlando, Mindy is the first to breakdown and begin crying. She informs the remaining girls that she is afraid and doesn’t want to get hurt. Also, I believe the stress of recently reaching the age of adulthood is weighing on her. More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Episode 9 Recap

The episode starts with the girls disappointed. First, to see that Taya was not eliminated, and secondly they find out they are headed to St Augustine, Florida. From the strip of Sunset Boulevard in Hollywood, California to St. Augustine, Florida: The Bret Michaels story. More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Episode 8 Recap

In Panama City the girls dress in tiny bikinis, meet Bret at the pool, and find out they must watch children for the day. We learn that most of the girls have several kids of their own. Ashley speaks for the group when she says, “I may be a stripper on the weekends, but Monday through Friday I’m a Mom.” More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Episode 7 Recap

As the bus travels to Alabama, Taya lets all know she has just won Penthouse Pet of The Year. Big Beverly is sitting next to her, stunned that Bret would be interested in any girl who takes off her clothes. More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Episode 6 Recap

The bus is headed to Nashville which is perfect for Mindy and her Southern accent. The girls are paired into two groups for Bret Michael’s Mud Bowl III. A football game where the girls fight for a date with Bret by wearing spandex shorts in a mud field. For those not familiar, Mud Bowl is like the old Bud Bowls, but with players of a lower IQ. More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Episode 5 Recap

As the Rock of Love tour buses roll into St. Louis the first stop is naturally Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club. Big Beverly immediately becomes defensive, “Another strip club?” Ashley sees the stripper poles, and says sincerely, “I’m home!” More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Episode 4 Recap

In the beginning of episode four we learn that Maria has been taken to the hospital and will not be continuing. We are not told the cause, but I speculate it has something to do with her missing socks.

The bus rolls on to Chicago and Marcia begins (continues) to drink tequila. She is trashed when they arrive to see Bret Michaels rehearsing. Most disturbing is not the amount of alcohol already inside Marcia, but the view of Big John staring at Bret as he rehearses. More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Episode 3 Recap

Episode three begins at a hockey rink where the girls have the task of slapping a Bret Michaels doll with hockey sticks into goals dressed up as cribs. Right away Brittaney lets us know that had she not pursued a career in porn she may have been an Olympic ice skating hopeful. I guess technically, we are all Olympic hopefuls. More...

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Rock of Love Tour Bus Recap

The first two episodes of Bret Michael’s latest reality show have established the following. First, this group of girls is the most insane cast to date (more on this shortly). Second, Bret Michaels, known rock star front man of the hair metal band Poison, can still be shocked (more on this shortly). Finally, despite an enormous amount of drinking during the first two seasons of Rock of Love, this season is going to make the past episodes look like a party hosted by Dr. Drew. More...

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