Iron Maiden
(Redirected from Iron maiden)
"I never cared much for maidens."
~ Oscar Wilde on Iron Maiden
"Iron Maiden? Yeah, I think I've shot that"
~ Dee Snider on Iron Maiden
Iron Maiden is the heaviest known naturally occuring metal on Earth. Discovered in 1970 by renowned geologist and ameteur kazoo player Tony Iommi, the metal was honoured with placement as Element 666 on the Periodic Table.
The finest Iron Maiden is mined at Donington race track in Great Britain. There was, talk of an atempt to alloy Iron Maiden with Westlife however the two subtances are now known to be incompatible due to Westlife's tendency to sudden fission.
Iron Maiden has been found to have uses in the Aviation industry.
Iron Maiden is typicaly located in strata containing other high grade Heavy Metal, these structures being known as Festivals. These are mined by specialists called Metal Heads often aided by Goths.
Not surprisingly there is a band that was inspired to take its name from this element. Iron Maiden the band was founded by Steve Harris, extraodinary bassist, extroadinary lover and ex-pirate. After sailing in the Atlantic ocean, raping mermaids and eating them, he decided it was time to settle down and perhaps start a heavy metal band. Ever recording this idea in his LiveJournal, he jumped on his bass guitar and used the supersonic vibrations to travel back to the United Kingdom. He eventually recruited Bruce Bruce from Samson and a number of misfits including Clive Burr and 'best friends' Dave Murray & Adrian Smith from day jobs rooting around in dumpsters. Burr was replaced with former Menopausal Alliance Doing Damage (MADD) C.E.O. lunatic and suspected kitten snorter Nicko McBrain when it was revealed that his frantic drumming was the result of MS.
Bruce d***inson was later to be replaced due to unsatisfactory sales results by Blaze Bayley, a huge specimen of a man, capable of carrying up to 3 milk cartons with only his p***s. Bayley died on the 12 of June 2000 after choking on someone else's vomit. It is unknown whose, as one cannot simply dust for vomit. A detective constable was quoted as saying "Some things are best left unknown". Attempts to revive Bayley for dual use as both lead vocalist and a replacement for aging mascot Eddie The Head failed when he spontaneously combusted four times in the process. At this point Harris was forced abandon attempts to revive Baley and invite d***enson to rejoin the band under the threat of litigation by surviving members of Spinal Tap.
On 28th March 2005, Iron Maiden sold out to Apple, renaming themselves iRon Maiden.
With their succsessful Web tour, they then went to hell and were captured by Bill Gates' forces. They then escaped, Steve settled down, dug a hole and raised a family.
It is also known that every member of Iron Maiden has been known to on occasion appear at Good Charlotte concerts wearing groucho moustaches and baking desserts out of rat testicles. Some have even theorized that the band Good Charlotte was created by Steve Harris to gather stupid and soulless teenagers for sacrifice that the great Metal ceremonies. There are conflicting reports of this at the Wacken Heavy Metal Open Air, Satanic Worshipping seminar and satanic arts and craft fair. When interviewed on the matter Steve emerged with bloddy hands, denied it all, and left saying he had some "heart wrenching" work to do.

Sincerely,
Benjamin Herbert Jenkins III

# May 20, 2006 @ 7:41 AM ET | IP Logged