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Christwire Exposes The Maryland Deathfest 2012

Christwire, a satirical site mimicking ultra-conservative Christian news outlets such as the Christian Post, has posted a show report online for the recent 2012 edition of the Maryland Death Fest titled "Exposed: Satanic Black Necrometal Posing A Grave Danger To Our Children". Enjoy some excerpts from a "good Christian's" breakdown of the festival below:

For four days in May, over Memorial Day weekend, hordes of Devil worshiping, drug crazed evildoers descended upon the unsuspecting city of Baltimore to participate in a bacchanalia of promiscuous sex, drugs, Satanic music, vandalism, arson, and enough horrid perversions in the eyes of the Lord to fill a entire library full of St. Peter’s books. This celebration of death and all that is evil made no bones about it’s purpose, titling itself “Maryland DEATHFEST”!

In order to discretely blend in so as not to arouse suspicion and suffer gruesome tortures at the hands of these heathen barbarians I donned the obligatory uniform of these so called “Metalheads”; A black t-shirt with Satanic imagery and symbols, a pair of torn, filthy jeans and faux snakeskin cowboy boots. Not able to bring myself to blaspheme the Lord, I donned a Stryper shirt which had not been washed anytime in the last decade, an adequate compromise. My hair is washed and clean cut, so I donned a long hair wig that had been soaked in beer and rubbed into the dirt to complete my disguise.

Surrounding the festival grounds were two electrified hurricane fences topped with razor wire. The outer perimeter was ringed by a moat filled with pig’s blood swimming with venomous Nepalese Deathshead Adders, while the inner perimeter was patrolled by packs of rabid, black dire wolves and syphilitic pit bulls. The entrance was staffed primarily by Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang members armed with chains, zip guns and steel pipes who took every opportunity to inappropriately grope females and rough up the males, confiscating illegal drugs from would be entrants (which I witnessed them snorting behind the port-a-potties later that day).

After passing through the gauntlet of brutality at the entrance to the festival, I witnessed many ghastly sights that will haunt me for all the days of my life. I will attempt to adequately describe them here, but some of these monstrosities are so shocking and perverse that they should not even be written down, much less read by good Christian men and women (and most definitely not children!)

Passing the underage blood orgy fuckpit where filthy metalheads writhed around nude on a grubby, fluid soaked mattress floating in a cesspool of blood with young teenage girls that had obviously been kidnapped, drugged and then forced to serve as unhallowed fuck puppets while Satanic priests in black robes ringed the pit, stroking their goat cocks and chanting Mephistophelian incantations, I perused table after table of all manner of demonic recordings featuring backwards masked messages advocating every manner of beastly and morally corrupt damnation. Additionally, on display, IN FULL VIEW were false idols, Satanic ritual implements and spell components as well as satanic bibles, black magic spell books, sacrificial animals, ritual daggers, bondage and torture instruments, and a veritable cornucopia of narcotic candy, goofballs, black widowpanes, slammers, Peruvian flake, Bahamian megadope, devil’s breath, nightshade, ladybubbles, wolfsbane, Frank Booth signature nitrous canister masks, Nazi vitamins, morphos, pig killer, pink witches, hell rox, bags of serpico 21, Mexican iguana scales, eye droppers of acid (hydrochloric, not LSD as one festival goer informed me), powdered foetus blood, salvia joints rolled from torn out pages of the Holy Bible laced with pcp and cobra venom and dusted with bath salts, not to mention an array of intoxicating alcoholic beverages and energy drinks laced with sacrificial goat urine and adrenochrome were all on offer.

The lineup on Thursday (or Thorsday as the pagans refer to it) consisted primarily of hyper Satanic, Christ hating black metal. I’m sure the music was as blasphemous as the performers with names like Extermination Angel (an obvious Luciferian reference), Dying Fetus (baby killers, no doubt), Agalloch and uber-anti-Christians EyeHateGod. I felt it wise to avoid the festival on this day out of fear for my life and limb.

The first of the Devil’s minstrel’s to take the stage on Friday were called Castevet. No doubt a veiled reference to some obscure demonic entity. The self styled Progressive Black Metallers took the stage with no obvious hatred of all that is right and Godly, but their music spoke for itself. Full of tri-tone devil chords, the crowd was instantly hypnotized by the waves of blackened evil roiling out of the speakers and fell into a deep stupor.

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7 Comments on "Christwire Covers The Maryland Deathfest"

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Cynic's avatar

Senior Reviewer

1. Cynic writes:

Hydrochloric acid - ok, I laughed there.

# Jun 12, 2012 @ 4:40 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
DixieSkumLord666's avatar

Member

2. DixieSkumLord666 writes:

this is hilarious...wish i could have made it to MDF...had no idea it was this brutal lolz

# Jun 12, 2012 @ 9:16 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
DixieSkumLord666's avatar

Member

3. DixieSkumLord666 writes:

this is hilarious...wish i could have made it to MDF...had no idea it was this brutal lolz

# Jun 12, 2012 @ 9:16 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathbringer's avatar

Founder, owner & programmer

4. deathbringer writes:

Damn, I didn't go Thorsday and totally missed the bloody sex mattress and teenage girls. And Castevet as black metal...oh god. Fail right there. Most people have never heard them and will never know...

# Jun 13, 2012 @ 10:36 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
xFiruath's avatar

Content Manager

5. xFiruath writes:

The article is great, but the most amusing part is on the comments at the Christwire website, as there are rabid Black Veil Brides fans posting up a storm who don't realize it's satire :)

# Jun 13, 2012 @ 11:25 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
metalheaddrummer101's avatar

Member

6. metalheaddrummer101 writes:

if this was actually what happened, I'd actually go to it!

# Jun 23, 2012 @ 8:20 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
7. Canonizer writes:

And I missed this show to goto a bbq? Damn, maybe I am satanized and stupid!

# Jun 26, 2012 @ 10:14 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address

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