Just For Fun
The Genres Of Heavy Metal
I came across this and couldn't help but laugh when I read it. So I thought I'd share it with you all.
HEAVY METAL: The protagonist arrives on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, drinks some beers and f*cks the princess.
GRIND METAL: The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves...
POWER METAL: The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and they make love in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL: The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and f*cks her....... easy and quick.
FOLK METAL: The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (from all the dancing) protagonist leaves without the princess.
VIKING METAL: The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty mighty axe, cooks and eats it, rapes the princess to death, loots the castle and burns it down before he leaves.
DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, f*cks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL: The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in the front of the castle.....then sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her.....then he impales the deflowered princess.
GORE METAL: The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, f*cks the princess and kills her....then he f*cks her dead body, slashes her belly open and eats her guts, f*cks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and f*cks it
for the last time.
DOOM METAL: The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks that he never could beat him, gets depressed and commits suicide....the dragon eats his body and the princess as well.
PROGRESSIVE METAL: The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo for 26 minutes, the dragon kills himself out of boredom, the protagonist goes to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques learned in the last year of the conservatory... the
princess escapes, and is now looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.
GLAM METAL: The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter, he steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
CHRISTIAN METAL: The protagonist rides in on his way home from church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to "thank" the protagonist he replies, "sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
Please share this article if you found it interesting.
9 Comments on "The Genres Of Heavy Metal"
To minimize comment spam/abuse, you cannot post comments on articles over a month old. Please check the sidebar to the right or the related band pages for recent related news articles.