Unearthing The Metal Underground: Kids' Metal
When a metalhead moves into parenthood, a whole new world of challenges is unveiled, as with any new parent. Likely not the first on your mind is what music you can play for them. You presumably don’t want them growing up a wuss, listening to pop music. You want them to ROCK!
Cannibal Corpse and Slayer might be a little much for babies or toddlers, however. In fact, the biggest challenge to finding good metal to play for kids is the profanity. You could resort to some Christian metal, which is usually free of profanity and violence, or search through your collection for the few clean albums or make your own mix of kid-safe metal. Instrumental metal, especially Powerglove, is a decent option, if a little limiting.
Or you could search for some metal music that’s made just for kids. Yes, there are a few bands doing this, but perhaps just one who has done it best. For fear that you’ll skip this entire article when you see the others, let’s start with the best:
(Warning: If you take yourself and your metal too seriously, this is not for you; this is for metalheads with a sense of humor and can see the fun in these bands. After all, it’s for the kids!)
The promo says it pretty well: “What would happen if The Wiggles met Rob Zombie backstage at a Gwar concert and decided to form a band together? I'm not really sure, but I'd bet they would sound a lot like The Thunderlords!”
The Thunderlords is an entirely original Viking-themed “band” making original loud and heavy songs for kids. The band released their only album, Noisy Songs for Noisy Kids in 2005. The album features nine songs with song titles like “I Like Dirt,” “Eat Vegetables” and “Ice Cream Headache.” In fact, I Like Dirt" and "Ice Cream Headache" were featured on the soundtracks for the bestselling video games “Tony Hawk's American Wasteland,” “Tony Hawk's Project 8” and “Tony Hawk’s American Sk8land” respectively.
Check out the video for “I Like Dirt” and a stream of “Ice Cream Headache” below:
Hevisaurus combines the kids’ dinosaur gimmick with that of metal bands’ costumes, creating an experience somewhere in between Gwar and Barney...but in Finnish. Despite the obnoxious dinosaur costumes, the music saves this act from becoming an annoying kids band, having a somewhat authentic feel to it and most of us not understanding the kiddie lyrics.
You can check out a few songs on MySpace and in the stream and videos below:
There’s even a video of “Paranoid” online, in which a circle pit breaks out, but the sound quality was too horrible to warrant posting here.
Describing their music as “Hard Rockin’ Nursery Rhymes From The Prehistoric Masters of Metal,” Rockosaurus Rex plays the dinosaur gimmick card and performs nursery rhymes. It’s not the most original angle, but they do a decent job of it.
The band has one album available, entitled “The Big Bang!,” with 21 songs on it. You can hear samples of the album or order it on CD or MP3s from Amazon.com. Check out a video for “This Old Man” and a stream for “If All The Little Raindrops” below:
For those of you who are not parents and found this article to be a horrific perversion of all that is metal, just wait until you have songs from The Wiggles, Barney (the purple dinosaur), Dora the Explorer and more stuck in your head. You’ll do just about anything to get them out, and these bands may be less painful than a drill to the temple. But as you’ll soon find out, it’s more important that your kids enjoy it...as long as it’s not a bubbly purple dinosaur.
If you know of any other made-for-kids metal, please feel free to mention them in the comments below.
And don’t forget to check back every Monday as we delve into a different scene or genre to unearth some new underground metal bands.
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