VH1's 'Most Metal Moments' Is Selling Disinformation In The Name Of Being Cute
Band Photo: Metallica (?)
Tony Hicks of the Contra Costa Times has issued the following report:
VH1 is selling disinformation again in the name of being cute. This has become a real problem over there, where reaction over a few funny shows is turning the network into the obnoxious kid who won't stop popping off.
I'm writing about, of course, this awful "100 Most Metal Moments", which first showed its ugly head last year. At first, I was repulsed, angered ... and angered some more. I wanted someone at VH1 to pay for their stupidity and thoughtlessness in not only having no idea what metal was, but executing a show that, to some, would certainly be the authoritative voice on the subject. It's like giving Ashlee Simpson a part in a Janis Joplin bio film.
Once I calmed down, I realized this would go away. It wouldn't spread disinformation. VH1's addiction to cuteness, via second-rate celebrities popping off about things they don't understand, would take them in new directions. Or so I thought.
VH1 has decided to replay the show this month, which means that at any given time, a viewer has the chance to hear some so-called expert equate BON JOVI with the term "metal." Now I'm no Count Grishnackh, but in ninth grade I did ride all the way in the closed trunk of a Camaro (there was no room in the back seat) to see BLACK SABBATH at the Cow Palace.
Anyways, here's some of the VH1 tidbits a viewer can get brainwashed into believing are "metal" or even "most metal" if they're not careful:
No. 91: The emergence of Christian band STRYPER — Dressed in garish black-and-yellow costumes and soaked with enough hair spray to ignite a city block, they threw Bibles into the crowd and preached a very nonmetal clean lifestyle ... before going backstage every night and breaking 11 or 12 commandments. This isn't metal, it's marketing. Or maybe it's just lying.
No. 90: FAITH NO MORE allowing a fish to flop around for a few seconds at the end of a video — This isn't metal. It's stupid.
No. 73: WARRANT's "Cherry Pie" video — Anyone who understands metal knows this witless exercise in brain-dead hormonal bubbling is nothing to be celebrated. And no way is it "metal."
No. 61: BON JOVI supposedly inventing the term "hair metal" — Which, by definition, isn't metal. They didn't invent it anyway. Not even close.
No. 47: METALLICA going after Napster — Maybe this is the 47th biggest metal news story of all time, but unleashing lawyers on your fans isn't "metal." Maybe justified, but certainly not metal.
44: Joe Elliott getting burned in DEF LEPPARD's "Foolin'" video — This might have been metal if he did it on purpose. Otherwise, nothing DEF LEPPARD did after its second record should ever be associated with the word "metal."
No. 8: Groupies starting a Web site detailing the sizes of certain rock stars — Not metal. Someone should be punished for thinking it's cute.
No. 6: JUDAS PRIEST singer Rob Halford coming out of the closet — Pretty cool, but how anyone thinks this is "metal" is beyond comprehension.
No. 3: Ronnie James Dio supposedly inventing the metal finger sign while in BLACK SABBATH — I'd be OK with this if there weren't pictures of Gene Simmons doing a variation of it two years earlier. Of course, Gene's gesture may have meant "Please buy more overpriced merchandise" in sign language.
No. 1: Hear N' Aid — This was metal's answer to Live Aid, in which many metalers came together to record a terribly dumb charity song called "Stars". I believe it was Mother Teresa who once said "Charity is terribly important to keeping the soul human. But it's just not metal."
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