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Osbournes Reloaded Recap Episode 1: Where being bald puts you center stage.

There are two dogs and two f-bombs for shock benefit in the first minute, not exactly Prince of Darkness nor comedy material. Ozzy is standing in front of the stage yet Sharon must announce “Ozzy is here” to the audience.. I believe this was for Ozzy’s benefit and apparently needs to be reminded every five minutes.

Kelly Osbourne, who is dressed as a cross between Charlie Chaplin and Mary Poppins, goes into the audience to find a random bald guy to kiss a random woman. The hilarious twist is when they blind fold the bald man and he ends up kissing an older lady. Ozzy is screaming “Oh, Oh, Oh”, then adds, “Fabulous” after the debacle has finished. Next is a segment featuring Ozzy dancing in a leotard. Oh, Oh, Oh, my fucking God what is going on here!

After a much needed commercial break we see Kelly again going into the audience and pulling out another bald man. This time he is set up, his girlfriend of many years is there and is giving him an ultimatum: Marry me or it’s over. We are going to have to wait until the end of the show to find out his answer. Either that or say fuck it, this show sucks, and turn the channel. See, there are two choices here.

The next “skit” puts Ozzy and family in a fast food drive thru. Ozzy is repeating orders and people are unable to understand what he is saying. After they come back to the show Ozzy continues to act, no one can understand a word he is saying. FYI: Ozzy is here.

When Sharon asks Ozzy if he remembers their first date he answers, “No”. Let’s hope both Ozzy and all of us don’t remember this show. This leads into the “Mini Osbournes” part of the show. It is “mini” on laughs to say the least.

The end of the show puts the bald guy center stage with his longtime girlfriend. Sharon fakes a tear like the audience has been faking laughs. He says yes and Ozzy sprays a hose of frosting on the audience, his family, and the newly weds.

I was hoping the spray would come through the television, hit me in the eyes, and numb the pain of the last half hour.

David S. Grant is the author of Corporate Porn, a novel published through Silverthought Press. His rock and drug fueled double novel Bleach|Blackout, novels The Last Breakfast, Hollywood Ending and short story collection Emotionless Souls are now available. For more information on David’s writing go to http://www.davidsgrant.com

David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.