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Metal News for April 1, 2005

Last updated on September 16, 2014 at 5:44 PM ET

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6 news articles posted on this day.

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Lars Ulrich Makes Hostile Takeover of Beatallica

After several quotes reportedly said by Lars circulated around the 'net, Lars has made a statement that he has assumed ownership of Beatallica, the band who plays "Beatles tunes, Metallica-style".

"I did the right thing and stood up to the megacorporation who was trying to bully the little guy (Beatallica). But there's no free lunch in life. N-n-n-napster (sic) should have taugh you that much. I had to sell two of my paintings to pay for those lawyers' time to consult on the matter, so I am exercising the my rights written into the agreement Beatallica signed when we began negotiating with Sony on their behalf. I am taking over the band and will assume all profits from performances and merchandising until that time my debt incurred is paid off. I have the final say in everything the band does. Furthermore, if the band decides to disband, I am entitled to their regular wages to pay back the legal fees."

Beatallica had been slapped with a cease and desist order by Sony and had its website(s) shut down as a result of the claimed copyright infringement of the Beatles' musical compositions. Tierney, 35, an occupational therapist by day, was pleasantly surprised when Ulrich called him a few weeks ago and helped negotiate with Sony's lawyers in order to clear the matter.

But Tierney was furious when he heard Lars' statement. A mostly bleeped/edited version of Tierney's reaction was aired on "live" (time delayed) MTV news. What he actually said remains under debate, but he was clearly pissed.

When reached for comment in light of Tierney's televised reaction, Lars had only a short message while waving the devil's horns and making deranged faces:

"Larz 0wnz Beatallica. Larz 0wns j00!"

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Fred Durst's Sex Tape Scheme Unveiled

Metalunderground.com has gotten word from a friend of a friend of Fred Durst who reveals that Durst's leaked porn video was part of a half-baked plan at achieving Tommy Lee-like fame as both the rocker and the sex object. Our source revelaed that the "computer repairman" was a friend, or rather accomplice, of Dursts who did exactly as he was told by leaking the video footage.

Upon hearing this story, our source says he immediately went and downloaded the footage form the Internet and, much to his chagrin, watched it. "It was sooooo ameteur. The problem is that [Fred Durst] didn't have the tool [sic] or the camera presence that Tommy Lee has. He didn't have Pamela either for that matter. He obviously didn't think his plan through very well."

It wasn't hard to find out from the Limp Bizkit fan club coordinator, who is seeking a new job, that their fan club had been bleeding members - presumed to be largely female - since the incident and is at a level of membership not seen since "Three Dollar Bill Yall$".

Durst could not be reached for comment, but we're sure we'll hear plenty out of his big mouth once he's ready to talk.

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Slipknot To Launch New Line Of Official Merch

For all the maggots out there who want more than just Slipknot shoes and costumes and masks, Slipknot has announced that they will be launching a whole new line of official Slipknot merch:

Ant farms are out, maggot farms are more exciting. Rather than watching little 6-legged insects crawl around on sand, you will be able to see maggots squirm on rotting meat.

Other merch, themed to your favourite masked member, includes sleepwear, bed sheets & pillow cases, curtains, toilet seats, bath towels, diapers, lamp shades, toasters, blenders, coffee mugs, mouse pads, umbrellas and more.

And there's nothing better than waking up to a Slipknot alarm clock, which blasts "People=Shit" at high decibels. You'll never wake up late again.

New merch will be availabe on Slipknot's official online store this fall.

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Korn's Head To Organize Christian Rock Festival

Metalunderground.com can now confirm that recently departed Korn guitarist, Head, has been hard at work as of late. He is planning a summer-time three day festival that is going to be dubbed HEAVENFEST. The event will take place in an unknown venue in Salt Lake City, Utah. A few names have been tossed around and said to have been confirmed for the festival such as: Zao, Living Sacrifice, As I Lay Dying, Believer, and there is a talk about a possible Stryper one-time only reunion show! The event is said to be taking place during the month of August. Also, the festival is going to be sponsored by Peta and Greenpeace. There'll also be a chapel so anyone who attends the festival and would like to pray while rockin' out can do so. Tickets are said to go on sale sometime in June, as soon as the venue is confirmed along with a few other loose ends that need to be tied down.

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ex-Static-X Guitarist Tripp Eisen Joins Korn

Solidifying internet rumors, Korn's Jonathan Davis has confirmed that recently departed Static-X guitarist. Eisen, whose real name is Tod Rex Salvador, was recently forced out of his band Static-X following sexual assault and kidnapping charges of a 14-year-old Sayreville girl whom he met on the Internet. If convicted, he faces a maximum of 30 years in prison on the kidnapping charge alone, but a verdict will not be reached for many many months and he remains confirdent that his name will be cleared.

Jonathan Davis had this to say, "We welcome Tripp into Korn with open arms and hold nothing against him. We believe in innocent until proven guilty." "And besides, we're all going to hell anyway," Davis added in a thinly veiled allusion to the back-and-forth between himself and recently departed and born-again christian Brian "Head" Welch. "At least he likes girls and not little boys," he then added.

Salvador said only this: "I thank Jonathan and the rest of the Korn family for believing in me and giving me a chance."

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Hatebeak Guitarist Bites Head Off "Singer" At Show

In combined Ozzy and Mayhem fashion, during the band's first live performance, Hatebeak's guitarist bit the head of his lead singer, Waldo, who happened to be a parrot. The guitarist continued to chew it and rend flesh from the bones of the twitching bird. After a minute or two of this, he threw the twitching carcass toward one side of the stage where tourmates Caninus were hanging out. In a matter of seconds the band's pitbull duo Budgie and Basil (vocals) had devoured the bird carcass. However, the fighting between the canine "singers" continued and made its way onto the floor, causing a general panic. With fights breaking out and people fleeing the club, the show was cancelled.

Appalling as that incident may be to animal rights activists, the question that fans now want answered is whether any other bird can replace Waldo. Hatebeak's future hangs in the balance, as this incident occurred on the first tour date in support of their upcoming Warner Brothers release.

A Warner Brothers executive was quoted as saying "We're confident Hatebeak will find a suitable replacement and have huge success with us in the future. This nonhuman vocalist trend is on the rise and Hatebeak will be here to spearhead it's rise!"

The pitbull duo of Caninus are currently being held in a local dog pound until the authorities finish their investigation into this matter. The band's human members could not be reached for comment prior to publication of this article.

Damage estimates from the small West Virginia club totally approximately $23,000.

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