Just For Fun
Goatwhore Takes On Hair Metal, Now Named Goats 'N Hoes
The premiere black metal band based in New Orleans, LA, debuted their new name, image and
sound this morning. Goatwhore is now to be called Goats ‘N Hoes. The quartet is emulating
1980s glam metal bands instead of the hardcore and black metal bands that they used to
enjoy. For example, instead of wearing all black clothing and spiked gauntlets, they now adorn
themselves in head-to-toe Spandex. When asked about why the band has undergone such a
radical change, vocalist Ben Falgoust, whose stage name is now King Louis the Third, was
quoted as saying, “Everybody needs to change their styles after a while. Neon pink is the new
black.” In addition to his outlandish new wardrobe, he outfitted his microphone with scarves
and dangling jewels, and he enjoys throwing Spree candies and frozen Peeps, his favorite treat,
into the audience. It has also been rumored that all of the members have been stuffing their tight
Spandex pants with cucumber-like objects. This has been noticed because they often perform
pelvic thrusts in the faces of those in the front row.
All of the band members have embraced the change. For instance, bassist James Harvey, new
name Sweetums, has thrown away his signature jean vest with band patches, bought a Bedazzler,
and makes gemmed-belts for the band as well as for sale at the merch booth. Guitarist Sammy
Duet, Lieutenant Duet, is not often seen without his army general's hat with a very large pink
feather in it. And not to be outdone, drummer Zack Simmons, Zack Attack, puts black light paint
on his drums that spray flourescent colors on him as he plays.
In addition to their new songs like “Skin Tight, Alright,” “Torturous Pleasure in the Mid-day
Sun,” and “I’ll Call You Up, You’ll Lick Me Down,” Goats N’ Hoes enjoys playing cover songs
from bands like “Turbo Lover” by Judas Priest and “Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Hanoi
Rocks. There have been cell phone-shot videos of GNH playing George Michael’s “Careless
Whisper” and Tim Capello’s “I Still Believe” live. But with all of this change, they have not
completely abandoned their past. In fact, they’ve reworked some of their material to fit their new
image. For example, the song “Apocalyptic Havoc,” which contains the infamous lyric “Who
needs a God when you’ve got Satan” has been changed into the song “Apocalyptic Party Time,”
and the aforementioned lyric is now “Who needs Satan when you’ve got hairspray.”
Not all of their fans care for this change as they have begun burning Spandex in effigy; and
going to the hospital with toxic chemical inhalation as a result. But their shows are more packed
than ever. Thousands new fans have been flocking to their shows, many of whom bear tattoos
featuring the bands Ratt, Poison, and Ratt Poison. Female-attendance has grown 75%. Goats N'
Hoes has begun working on songs for a new album entitled "Goat-Faced Girl in a Teeny Pink
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