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The Rockstar Ramblings: Mad Men

Photo of Ozzy Osbourne

Band Photo: Ozzy Osbourne (?)

Last Sunday both Motley Crue and The Darkness were featured in Super Bowl ads. They aren’t the first from their genre to sell out, or allow the semi-truck full of cash back up into their driveway, nor will they be the last. Over the past few years a lot of rockers from the eighties have partnered with Madison Avenue to create brief whore-like relationships. This week a look at the new Super Bowl commercials, and a few blasts from the past commercials:

NOTE: In honor of my 3rd grade teacher, Mr. Reed, we will be grading on a curve. He always felt the need to let everyone know they failed; however, he was required by the school to give some passing grades. Mr. Reed was an ass.

In ‘Dokken vs. The Chicken’, Norton Virus software painted a picture of the band Dokken wanting to infect a chicken (playing the part of a computer hard drive) with a virus. The chicken defends itself with a switchblade; the band (and presumably, the virus) backs off. Of all the questions, and let’s face it, there are many, I keep asking myself one: Why Dokken? Why not Bret Michaels infecting the chicken with a virus? Too real? I found this commercial pretty over the top and very stoner friendly. GRADE: B+

STEVEN TYLER (Aerosmith)
A table of four women sits and discusses shoes and boyfriend problems, and then Steven Tyler walks in. This causes so much commotion that drinks are spilled and the table is flipped all so they can get a picture of Tyler as he walks through a restaurant. The girl with the Sony Cybershot is victorious in getting her picture of the aging television judge. I find this as implausible as the young girls that still find Mr. Tyler attractive on American Idol. GRADE: D

It was only a few years ago when Ozzy teamed up with Justin Bieber and Best Buy. The result was extra eyeliner, a self depreciating Osbourne, the funny scene where he continues hanging around in the background, and the line “what the fuck is a Bieber?” Unfortunately it also included a nagging Sharon. GRADE: C-

I’m assuming Gene Simmons pitched the idea of using “Dr. Love” for Dr. Pepper. Of course the rules were that he would get to say “KISS” twice, have a family member appear, and have a Kiss song playing throughout. It’s amazing to me we haven’t seen Simmons hawking more soda products since. GRADE: C+

This past Sunday this commercial (at least to me) was a surprise. When a supposed Apple consumer is bored waiting in line and says, “I don’t know what to believe” this is the cue for Justin Hawkins from The Darkness to appear and begin jamming his song “I Believe in a Thing Called Love.” Hawkins, in his striped pink jumpsuit and Hall of Fame caliber mustache works for me. Of course I am biased in that I believe that mustache works with everything. GRADE: A-

This year, Kia pre-released the commercial featuring Motley Crue for their Super Bowl advertisement. If you tried logging onto Yahoo days before you were annoyed and/or greeted by Tommy Lee and his drum set flying across your screen. The Crue is featured as part of a dream with models in swim suits, fast cars, a live concert (“Kick Start My Heart” playing), UFC fighting, a giant submarine sandwich, and a rhino. BTW what is up with Tommy Lee’s face looking glazed over? The commercial ends with the guy leaving the bikini models, picking up his girl, and driving off with his Kia. A very un-Motley type ending. GRADE: B

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David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.

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