OpEd

Broken Hearts And Community Property: An Ode To Anti-Love Metal

Band Photo: Iron Maiden (?)

February 14th is a date that means different things to different people. For some, Valentine’s Day is that special occasion to show someone how much you care, while for others it’s an unfortunate reminder of just how long that unused condom has been stashed in your wallet. For every lucky gentleman who has found the lady he can sexually accost without fear of court mandated harassment classes, there’s that lonely soul who will spend Valentine’s Day with nothing but music out the speakers and a bottle of Jack.

No matter which side you fall on, heavy metal has got a song to match your mood and help you head bang through the gooiest of all the holidays.

Whether any given track is purposefully over the top and funny, depressing enough to make you pull out the eyeliner and candles, or just plain outright disturbing, metal is no stranger to the anti-love song. So for those of you will be spending Valentine’s Day alone, or just simply think the holiday is nothing more than a marketing ploy to sell chocolates and greeting cards, here’s a series of anti-love anthems to get you through the day.

For those who still have a heart and haven't devolved into extreme cynicism, you can also check out our companion listing of pro-love heavy metal music at this location.

Humorous

Metalunderground.com is no stranger to aberrant sexual behavior, as we have the honor of being home the infamous “I’d put my tongue in her butt” forum thread. The following, um, “tongue-in-cheek” songs are all dedicated to everyone who has ever contributed a post to that thread.

Whether 80’s glam rock parody/tribute act Steel Panther is singing love songs or anti-love songs is a matter of some debate. What could be more loving than each band member’s willingness to sleep with anything that moves, regardless of VD status? Take the particularly touching song “Turn Out The Lights,” in which we are informed that front man Michael Starr is in desperate need of some physical attention, even though his partner actively disgusts him. What’s a horny rock star to do? Look no further than the title for the answer:

The dangerously aroused Steel Panther (pray these guys never discover herbal Viagra!) continues its rampage in the realm of love with “Community Property,” a track that shows just how much a man can love one woman.

For those currently gagging and wondering where the hell the “report inappropriate content” button is, there’s a slightly more “clean” version of the same video below.

As a sure fire way to end your Valentine’s Day without any love, let your significant other know these words of wisdom from Steel Panther: “Eatin’ ain’t Cheatin’”

Taking it a bit heavier and (slightly) less outright offensive than Steel Panther is doomsday rock ‘n roll act Chrome Division. “Wine of Sin” is Chrome Division’s ode to the ladies, which features a fun gang shout towards the end that should only be reserved for strip clubs and trips to nunneries.

It’s up in the air whether “Love?” by Strapping Young Lad is humorous, depressing, or disturbing, but that shouldn’t be unexpected, considering Devin Tonwsend’s involvement. Take a listen to the screams of “Love, make way for breeding!” and decide for yourself where the song belongs.

Shock rocker Alice Cooper has the solution for anyone who can’t seem to find a date with a pulse on Valentine’s Day. Remember folks – dead girls don’t say no!

Depressing

Anti-love songs can’t be all fun and games though, as eventually it sinks in just how sad a botched romantic situation can really get. Star of Ash has several songs on sophomore album “The Thread” that draw on Emily Dickenson poems for a depressing look into love gone bad. “Blood, Bones, and a Skull” is one such track, letting the world know that we can be proud of our broken hearts.

Although not originally written by the band, Nazareth’s version of “Love Hurts” is one of the most widely known and is frequently used for nearly every situation that sees lovers parting ways.

Five Finger Death Punch’s video for “The Bleeding” shows all the ways couples can hurt each other:

Seeing love as an undesirable situation, Sol Invictus likens the emotion to being in a serpent’s jaws or chained to a floor in “The Abattoirs of Love.”

Although clearly leaning much more toward rock than metal, The Sheila Divine has its share of depressing tracks on the pitfalls to be found in relationships. Check out the video for “Opportune Moment” in the clip below.

Anti-love tracks don’t have to be slow and sappy to get their point across, as is shown by Greek extreme metal act Septicflesh. The track “Narcisuss” is based on the Greek myth of a man who is so in love with himself, to the exclusion of all others, that his self-love eventually leads to his own death.

The now defunct avant-garde band from black metal icon Ihsahn known as Peccatum has its share of songs that approach love in twisted and bleak ways, such as “Parasite My Heart.” The song has a truly disturbing view of the world, with equally disturbing music to match.

Swedish progressive death metal titans Opeth have an entire album that alternates between love and anti-love tracks in the form of “Still Life.” Nothing quite ruins the Valentine’s Day mood than watching a lover die and then going on a killing rampage, as is described in “Serenity Painted Death.”

Originally playing bass for Emperor, Mortiis has gone on to do a series of solo albums that have frequent depressing themes. Although not as heavy as some of the other songs listed here, the industrial leaning “Everyone Leaves” fits in the shoes of an anti-love song perfectly.

A word like “depressive” doesn’t even begin to cover Katatonia’s song “Gone.” Being in close proximity to razor blades while listening isn’t recommended.

Pantera shows how love can be just as twisted and lead to just as much aggression as any other emotion with “This Love,” off the early ‘90s album “Vulgar Display of Power.”

Taking a rather dim view of love all around and seemingly describing a rape, Swiss act Samael’s addition to the ranks of anti-love tracks appears with “Moonskin.”

Outright Disturbing

While there are those songs that try to seriously approach love, and those songs that are offensive to the point of being humorous, some tracks take a bit more of a disturbing approach. To begin we take a look at the interlude track “Exu” on Ancient’s “The Cainian Chronicle” album. It starts out all fun and games with the human/demon lovin’, but then apparently the lady in question decides she’s had enough part way through…

Cannibal Corpse has the market pretty well covered on disturbing songs dealing with all the horrifying ways to “love” women, and “Fucked With a Knife” is a prime example.

Giving Cannibal Corpse a run for its money in the “offensive song titles” department is the infamous grind act Anal Cunt. Just picking one anti-love track from the Cunt was difficult, but in the end it would seem that “The Only Reason Men Talk To You Is Because They Want To Get Laid” best embodies the ideal of an anti-Valentine’s Day song.

Pretty much any song ever written by blackened death metal act Belphegor has some kind of deviant sexuality or misogyny involved, but “Lucifer Incestus” gets a special nod. You’ve gotta love any song that starts with the line “The goat of fuck with cock of fire!”

Death metal is a genre ripe with songs dealing with all kinds of body parts in various states of attachment to the human body. “Cross My Heart” by Carcass gives a whole new meaning to that oft-used phrase.

No listing of anti-love songs would be complete without a nod to Peter Steele and Type O Negative. Peter may be missed since his passing, but his contributions live on with songs like “Love You To Death.”

To finish off we’ll go a little old school with Iron Maiden’s “Bring Your Daughter to the Slaughter,” a song which can be interpreted in several fun ways.

Of course there are many, many more anti-love songs to be found in the diverse world of metal and hard rock. Please feel free to leave your comments below with thoughts on these tracks or recommendations on your favorite anti-love anthems.

Ty Arthur splits his time between writing dark fiction, spreading the word about underground metal bands, and bringing you the latest gaming news. His sci-fi, grimdark fantasy, and horror novels can be found at Amazon.