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Barren Earth Advised Not To Mess With Texas In New Tour Report

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Band Photo: Barren Earth (?)

Finnish progressive death metal super group Barren Earth has checked in with the following report from the band's current North American tour:

"In Texas, the musical reference of the day was the Jimmie Rodgers song, T For Texas (probably better known as the version by Lynyrd Skynyrd). And as it was freezing cold, I decided to have just that, a T. Preferably Twining’s Earl Grey or English Breakfast. But it was just then that the clock hit noon, and despite the snow, the weather started getting really warm. By the time we reached Ft. Worth, the temperature was reasonably high, and our winter coats could be abandoned, at least for the time being.

"It really is a magnificent PR stunt Mother Nature has supported this tour with. Surely it cannot be a coincidence that the route of the Finnish Metal Tour 2 matches quite closely that of the recent meteorological phenomenon referred to here as the ‘Arctic Blast’. But as with any publicity stunt, there are limits, and what with the cancelled gigs, I think old Mother Earth might have been pushing it a tad too far. But Ft. Worth was great. The gig was the best of the tour so far, as this time certain members of the audience were there specifically to see us, some of them even having driven for hours to get there.

"This showed in the overall vibe of the gig, and ‘twas but a pleasure. Earlier in the day, Oppu decided he needed to hang his bed sheets on a clothesline. As there actually weren’t any clotheslines available, a Dodge pick-up truck parked nearby had to do. Neatly spreading the sheets over the truck’s hood, they were bound to get the airing they demanded. But this was not quite to happen. Upon returning to the site later on, the pick-up truck was still there, but the sheets weren’t. Baffled and bemused, he went inside the tour bus, only to find a lady wearing a coat which looked suspiciously the same as Oppu’s blanket. Allegations were made that this lady had taken Oppu’s sheets to meet her own sartorial tastes. But after a while it came clear, that this was not so. The jacket indeed was her own, and would remain so in the future, too. The mystery of the missing bed sheets was finally resolved, when they were eventually found in a garbage bin close by, having presumably been taken there by the owner of the truck.

"During the course of the day, the bed sheets did get the amount of fresh air they demanded, but due to this later development of things, they also got something else. Nevertheless, Oppu was happy to find his beloved sheets again, and after a more-intensive-than-average dusting session he was able to have a good night’s sleep in them once more. I met a group of Americans a few years ago whose drink of choice was Heineken beer. Nothing special about that, of course. But what I do remember was that they referred to this particular beer as Heiny, as in ‘bring us a round of Heinies, will you please, madame.’ Thinking that this is the correct colloquial expression for Heineken around here, I went to the bar girl and asked for a ‘Heiny’. She smiled and said:’ Oh, I’ll show you a hiney all right.’ After this she made a pointing gesture, but what was indicated was not a bottle of Heineken, nor a bottle of anything else, for that matter…

"The highlight of the day was a special gift package we received from the State of Texas. And what a gift package it was! Each band on this tour received the same thing: a goodie bag filled with various things related to Texas. T-shirts, baseball caps, stickers, key rings – the lot. But the true gem of the package was an actual flag of Texas, accompanied by a certificate which stated that ‘the Texas Flag herewith presented to Barren Earth by State Senator Wendy R. Davis, was flown above the State Capital of the Sovereign State of Texas on January 15, 2011.’ We were, and still are, genuinely moved by this. Thanks a lot, Wendy! Although there were varying amounts of different goodies in the bag, we were able to split them between us amicably. For instance, the vegetarians in the band had no particular desire to get hold of the Texas Trophy Hunters Association stickers. As for myself, I got a sticker which bewares me ‘not to mess with Texas.’ Rest assured, Mrs. Senator, I will not."

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