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Interview

A Band Of Orcs Shares It's War Plans For The Coming Domination

Photo of A Band of Orcs

Band Photo: A Band of Orcs (?)

After narrowly escaping death in our last interview, this foolish, puny human decided to brave another trek into the camp where A Band of Orcs was merrily feasting on soft elf flesh. It's been three years since the release of the debut "WarChiefs of the Apocalypse," and in that time the orcs have continued rampaging across Earth as they try to bring about the Domination. Read on to hear of the orc's recent exploits, including their attempts to replicate the human wizard magic of moving pictures and plans to release a long awaited new single.

xFiruath: What have the orcs been doing since “Warchiefs of the Apocalypse?”

Gogog Bloodthroat: Raiding A band of Orcs been. Grasping more lands out from the Vortex. Many times us "drive" up down up down your smooth roads, conquer much further each day than can conquer in Hirntodia.

Hulg ElfRIPper: Not when us have draaaaagons. Us conquer whole land if draaaaagons fit through portal.

Gronk!: Not if, Hulg. When! When!

Hulg: You living can say none with foresight. Nuuuuuunnnnn. The veil will not be pierced by mortal musings.

Cretos Filthgrinder: Filth has destroy many stage, many big, small, um, in middle, tall, short-

Hulg: Many amplifier Cretos knock over.

Filth: -um, big- hey! Fuck yuu, Hulg. Filthgrinder shown great praise in Simi Valley, in Fresno ears burn to chants Cree-Tos, Cree-Tos. Fist pump wild. Humans learn quick put up Orc Tusks in front mouth when greet in pit.

Gogog: Bakersfield always true minions answer A Band of Orcs' summons. Noise of destruction is sounds for all, great pleasure. Tempo of war pound many skulls. Rememberings of battle celebrations will remain many season.

Gronk!: Yes, until they knocked out head by more great battle celebrations.

xFiruath: What worthy opponents have you met and destroyed on the road this year?

Gogog: What is "worthy opponent?" Either human slave or human dead or human

Hulg: Food.

Gogog: Or human useful enough for us to keep around, but with half grandmother eye on it.

Cretos: Cretos dueled many guitarist on fretboard and only worthless were slain. Many of greatest, like Scathe and Nylock or Conan and what its name, Ballmore in Exmortus. Them us keep after show, grant great honor, them bring us many you human beer. Not light fizzy beer that for gnome pussy, Orcs want rich brew, put tusk in you lip.

Gronk!: Us watch Khyral's last show in rich land of Merced. Great honor them pay to your human gods.

Hulg: Hulg lose knife in Merced. It come back two season past.

Cretos: Deicide smell Hulg and stay away real fast at end of show in armpit of bay area. Them not come back.

Gronk!: Humans not like when you call San Jose armpit of bay area, Filth. Get them angry and dumb, group stupid, ready for slaughter.

Gogog: It O.K. The one with metal leg us fed Hulg back in hot season when us went to the cold city on peninsula with big orange bridge, him told us San Jose is armpit.

Gronk!: Great leader, us cannot trust the word of that one. Him of the San Francisco tribe. They mortal enemies San Jose tribe and himn lie to great Gogog and deserve painful death him got.

Hulg: It scream sooooo good Hulg eat liver. Not good they not scream when eating brains. Hulg remember Hulg feel cheat.

xFiruath: “Warchiefs of the Apocalypse” undoubtedly brought the Domination closer, but it still hasn’t happened yet. When will the orcs unleash a new CD assault on unsuspecting human slaves?

Gogog: Why human always want know date? Rule war one: keep date secret from enemy so us show up him home, him make baby us kill all, take all. Human know date orc come human all have sword and bow and wand and here zapper and gun. Us take all day, get cut, less time drink. Kill all. Take all. Less fun.

Cretos: Fun.

Gogog: Fun.

Hulg: No! This not genocide, it Rock'n Roll.

Gronk!: Hulg means us must let minions know when albums come out or them not know what noises to chant along at raids. Great honor paid to great Gzorroth every time Gronk! hear "And watch them burn." Hail Gzorroth!

All: Hail Gzorroth!

Gronk!: A Band of Orcs has joined swords with the word warriors at IME and they will be releasing a single with Hall of the Frozen Dead and Wyrd of the Winter Wolf. Ask those Itchy fuckers when it's coming out. Gronk! does not give a shit!

Oog Skullbasher: Oog go take shit now.

xFiruath: The “Into the Maelstrom” video sent fear and despair into the hearts of all who saw! Will the orcs release a new video soon to further intimidate their pathetic enemies?

Gogog: Gogog tired of stand here, do that, look there, not eat key grip, stupid little man yelling things at orc tell us what to do. What is key grip anywayz? Then them take all orc treasure, say it cost of business, must feed Hollywood beast. Hollywood beast must be very hungry, not as hungry as Gzorroth. Gogog come back, make movie people squeel, split many heads, pop many chest. But not get magic picture box work and make picture. Stupid video only work for human wizard. Shaman not figure it out yet.

Gronk!: Soon, soon!

xFiruath: Where are the orcs spreading the live Domination next?

Gronk!: Next us Orcs invade lands of the San Francisco tribe. Before us met at battle of Thee Parkside, redoubt of great brews. This time us got even better strategy. Us invade Slim's! Beyond that, Great Gogog is right and Gronk! must hold tongue behind tusk.

xFiruath: Is it true that soft elf slaves will be appearing with A Band of Orcs for live debauchery?

Hulg: Soft elf slaves. Tasty elf slaves.

Cretos: Quickly eaten elf slaves.

Gogog: Break too easy. Us not keep elf alive good for show.

xFiruath: The orcs have been recording voices to scare puny humans on the Internet. Does heathen man technology anger the orcs and will they dismantle it all after the Domination?

Gogog: Gogog will claim army of human silver sky dragon and take chaos to all land not yet belong to Gore Stained Ax tribe. And Gogog not hold back mechacnical fire like stupid human. Gogog will make silver sky dragon breath it mechanical fire and Gzorroth scream in triumph.

All: Hail Gzorroth!

xFiruath: Have any soft human musicians managed to get the orc’s interest so far this year with non-orc music?

Gogog: Sothis paint landscape of hatred and death. Gogog feel this too deep in him bones.

Cretos: Cretos are enjoying new group him heard: Black Sabbath. Toni Iommi bend strings in way hurt Cretos ears but now us start to like it hurt so good. And Exodus. That Holt motherfucker can play, violence lightning from fingertips.

Hulg: Yes. I Shalt Become.

Gronk!: Testament. Thrash will never die!

Oog: Oog.

xFiruath: Tell us about Lordi: worthy monstrous opponents, or weak flesh meant to be devoured?

Gronk!: From what Jed shown us on the You Tube us not now tell if Lordi powerful demon hiding as human under supreme cover of limpling not-metal pop noise or if them are just human dressing up to look like A Band of Orcs out of fear us eat them. Ask again when the Domination find them and us know which.

xFiruath: What else would the orcs like to tell their future meals/slaves/skull trophies?

Cretos: You cannot prepare for Cretos Filthgrinder.

Hulg: Make Brains Tasty. Keep in Crunchy skulls.

Gronk!: Bring turducken.

Gogog: Gogog will waste no time with them. You ask question like that Gogog waste no more time with you.

xFiruath's avatar

Ty Arthur is a freelance writer who writes for both entertainment and technical instruction sites. An avid fan of many different forms of metal, he has been involved in reviewing music for several years and is currently a contributing editor for Metalunderground.com

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3 Comments on "A Band Of Orcs Shares It's War Plans"

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The_Avant_Garde's avatar

Writer

1. The_Avant_Garde writes:

this band is the most blatant rip-off of Gwar anyone has ever done....they make me mad and sad

# Jan 4, 2011 @ 7:55 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathbringer's avatar

Founder, owner & programmer

2. deathbringer writes:

Yeah, well the lead singer should have a gnome phallus hanging off him in that case! :-) Orcs vs Space aliens/things - I don't get how it's a rip off.

# Jan 4, 2011 @ 10:18 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
The_Avant_Garde's avatar

Writer

3. The_Avant_Garde writes:

the orcs look just like the gwar slaves at the live shows, and the character mannerisms are similar

# Jan 4, 2011 @ 10:48 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address

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