Oderus Urungus Demands An Interview With Metalunderground.com To Promote The Band's 25th Anniversary And Its New Album "Bloody Pit of Horror"
Band Photo: Gwar (?)
For over 25 years GWAR has been touring the world, showcasing its unique brand of shock-thrash that made GWAR one of the biggest names in the entire metal underground. From its humble beginnings in Richmond, Virginia GWAR has travelled across the Earth adding to its ever growing fan base. From appearances in the early 90's on television programs such as The Joan Rivers Show, Jerry Springer and the Beavis & Butthead cartoon to more recent appearances on Fox News and The Jimmy Falon Show, GWAR has slowly built up its thrash metal stronghold and have earned its reputation of having the best, and bloodiest, live show in all of music.
On Monday, November 29th, 2010 GWAR frontman Oderus Urungus kidnapped Metalunderground.com writer Cody B from right off the streets of Vancouver and forced him to conduct an interview in order to promote GWAR's 25th anniversary. Cody hasn't been seen since, but Oderus Urungus was kind enough to send us the tape. What a nice guy!
Cody B: First off, for those who don’t know, what is GWAR?
Oderus Urungus: Well if anyone doesn't know what the fuck GWAR is they are some pathetic pieces of shit! Maybe they're just some diseased babies that just got born or maybe they're some idiotic morons who've been in the metal scene for about three fucking seconds! But those who are reading this right now you better pay attention and listen the fuck up. GWAR is the ultimate shock rock band from Antarctica, previously from outer space, and we were elite warriors from outer space who were banished for our intergalactic atrocities! We chose to land on planet Earth over 25 years ago because goofy haired glam rockers weakened the atmosphere with way to much fucking hairspray, causing global warming, so therefore we vomited upon your pathetic world! To put it more simply so even your feeble journalistic mind can comprehend; GWAR is the sickest heavy metal band in history and through our infinite crack addiction we have made your would our own personal porno theatre of pain! We tour this spherical shit-hole of a planet endlessly, laying your cities to waste in ruin and always increasing our legions of followers, Bohabs if you will, and thus is GWAR in a testicular nutshell!
Cody B: GWAR have just returned from its Lusting in Space and are now on a killing spree across North America. How has that been working out for you?
Oderus Urungus: Good! We do understand now though that if we kill to many fans then we wont have anymore fans! So basically we have been doing our best to kill the fans and then zombify said fans. Have I said the word “fans” yet? Its our big 25 year anniversary which we’ve been dealing with for two fucking years, two years to many, to the point where now its our 26th anniversary and not one person made it a point to fucking remind me! I had to figure that out on my own for fuck sakes! But that's okay, we wanted to make things extra special, bloody and painful for our wonderful fans who have put up with all of GWAR’s torture, rape and murderous ways for so many years. We reluctantly released two albums back-to-back for them but if we do not release any albums for them to spend their money on we will, in turn, run out of money and, in turn, will run out of crack and without crack there simply is no GWAR. So once all of this touring and murdering finally comes to a fucking end I, Oderus Urungus, will return to Antarctica and sexually abuse some penguins.
Cody B: With Morgan Freeman?
Oderus Urungus: Yes, perhaps! I’d rather not share my penguins though. Old, young, really young, really-really young, dead or alive; I love penguins! So maybe, If I am feeling quite generous I may permit Mr.Morgan Freeman to film my activities with the Antarctican penguin population and then once I have spewed forth all of my holy seed he may narrate my penguin sex exploits for future release on DVD!
Cody B: 25th, 26th anniversary. Those are just numbers. But how have you managed to stay in such great shape after all of these years? Whats the Oderus Urungus secret?
Oderus Urungus: Well I’d love to be able to say I was on the stairmaster or on some diet or at least some kind of good reason but no! The truth is, I don't give a shit about any of those things. I have every bad habit known to the history of man. I eat and bathe in pure cholesterol. I just love the way it tastes. Not to mention that aborted babies are packed full of creamy cholesterol! So I guess it is my indulgence in my bad habits that in many ways is responsible for my continuing longevity and my exceptional good looks.
Cody B: Is there a particular country that has better tasting babies?
Oderus Urungus: Well I’d love to say China but every single last one of those bastards are filled to the brain with lead so personally I prefer the babies of Latvia. Yes, Latvia.
Cody B: In celebration of your dominance over planet Earth you released the “Bloody Pit of Horror.” Is it bloody and horrific as you wanted it to be?
Oderus Urungus: Well that of course is upto our fans. I'm sure most of you don't even understand what we mean when we say “Bloody Pit of Horror” and what we mean by that is we want to create a bloody pit in front of the stage every single night. The album is packed with subliminal messages that cause our fans to beat the shit out of each other in the pit until they are dead, and its working! Thus in turn we shall zombify the fans and do some other fucked up shit to them. Its bloody, its pitty and we are contractually obligated to play the fucking shit out of it during our live show and the album seems to be going over well. I also really enjoy the lower tuning we are using on this new record which makes things heavier than a 40 tonne chunk of crack! Its a way for us to shove even more crap and feces down the throats of our fans that have kept GWAR going for 25 years. Not only is the “Bloody Pit of Horror” for our fans but it also an outlet to shove into the faces of those who think GWAR is just a “sex band.” You know, because we are so good-looking and sexy they don't think we should even be playing heavy metal but we have to fucking remind them that were fucking great at it!
Cody B: I apologize ahead of time Oderus Urungus but I need to ask; who the hell is Lordi?
Oderus Urungus: Lordi are a bunch of idiotic excuses for life from Finland who saw a picture of GWAR one day and decided they would do a version of us just without their dicks hanging out. It happened before, it will happen again but what really pisses me off about Lordi is that he wont admit it. People came to him and said, “don't you see that you are completely ripping off GWAR?” and he basically pretended that he never heard of GWAR before and then when he was challenged he proved himself to be an ignorant piece of shit and said something like “oh but we are from Finland and we do not have internet and no cable television and I didn't have sex with my quadriplegic mother.” I didn't piss me off until that point and after that it really fucking pissed me off! So we had Mr.Lordi’s head on a stick for the Sounds of the Underground tours. It would have pissed me off even more if they were embraced and became huge but they didn't and everyone fucking knows they're just a bullshit rip off of GWAR and every time they try to play here people chant for the much superior GWAR over and over again. So they can just stay the fuck in Finland and fuck off! No one ever say the name Lordi around me ever again. EVER!
Cody B: GWAR are currently violating Canada in every way imaginable. What is it about Canada that keeps you coming back?
Oderus Urungus: Oh we love Canada! The fans up here are great and they support heavy music unlike any other race of this world. People in Europe love metal and support in fanatically but they just do not have the amount of zeal and dedication that the people of Canada have. Canada is overall the best fucking country in the world and GWAR truly believes that. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you people that causes you to love GWAR so much but they are always at the shows and Canada is also great for producing fat stand up comedians so we love it! Not to mention the fact that your futile and ignorant government had banned GWAR from entering the country for over 10 years! Every time we would show up at the border the entire Canadian military would be waiting there, consisting of four hikers holding hockey sticks, so we decided not to bother with such pathetic pieces of scum and stopped trying to enter the country for a while. But now that GWAR are back in Canada our incestuous love affair grows stronger and stronger and I'm greatly looking forward to having the entire city of Vancouver suck me off.
Cody B: Speaking of Vancouver. This city and the province of British Columbia are known worldwide for its “B.C. Bud”
Oderus Urungus: Yes, indeed! I put it on everything!
Cody B: But have you ever tried our world famous “downtown east-side” crack? Being the space crack connoisseur that you are.
Oderus Urungus: Well I personally have my Earth crack shipped to me from the Peruvian crack mines of Indonesia and it is by far the best and purest crack I have ever had the pleasure of consuming. That one particular crack mine in Chile that was in the news recently, well you could see that the miners were just refusing to come out! They fucking refused to leave the mine for months! What most people do not understand is that they were down there for so long, for weeks on end just eating Chilean mine crack non-stop! So no, I have yet to indulge in the Vancouver crack but I would be more than happy to try some. Perhaps while I fuck some of those infamous Vancouver Asian hookers!
Cody B: So that Chilean mine crack must have been that guy’s motivation to run the New York marathon?
Oderus Urungus: Oh yes! Let me tell you, there is nothing you cannot do while high on crack and I highly recommend it!
Cody B: Have you ever tried PCP?
Oderus Urungus: I love it! Its great for the holidays!
Cody B: Another thing that Vancouver has become known for is all of those severed feet washing up on the river...
Oderus Urungus: Yeah what the fuck is up with that?! To be honest I wish I was could take credit for that but its not me simply due to the fact that whenever I cut off someone’s feet I then proceed to eat them. I love it, I fucking love to eat feet. Stinky feet are preferred since the odour acts like a great seasoning and I just cannot help myself. So I don't know what the fuck this river feet thing is all about. Did they ever figure it out? You tell me!
Cody B: I have no idea. The cops came to me and I said “Hey its probably GWAR” and they said “Oh shit, well were not fucking with those guys!”
Oderus Urungus: Yeah that's typical. As soon as cops hear the name GWAR they automatically turn the fuck around and say “were not touching that with a ten foot Giraffe’s penis!”
Cody B: More recently you performed on the Jimmy Falon show. But what pissed me off was that somehow the asshole survived! How did that happen?
Oderus Urungus: Let me explain. Don't think for a fucking second that Jimmy Falon survived! It was all just trick photography. We had transferred that insignificant leech to the basement where we locked him in GWAR’s trademarked nuclear bomb bunker of death and used visual trickery to make it seem like he was there. But rest assured he was not! On the other hand Dana Carvey was quite hospitable and is one of Earth’s finest actors. A true visionary he is. So after the show Carvey came backstage to meet the band and in turn he was brutally raped by GWAR and was then killed. Unfortunately I do not believe there will be a second “master of disguise” movie anytime soon.
Cody B: Not that I'm asking for you to be giving away your secrets but how did you gain access to North American network television?
Oderus Urungus: I really don't know. Perhaps my affiliation with Fox News might have had something to do with it. Basically after we gang raped Joan Rivers 20 years ago we were banned from television for two fucking decades but it is my understanding that those executives have since died off and now the new breed of television big wigs have taken over. They must have taken notice of my charming whit, massive hulk of a penis and just my overall sexiness. So yeah, GWAR is stepping up in alot of places. I, Oderus Urungus, will be gracing the cover of Decibel Magazine. GWAR will be touring Europe and Australia and many new things are happening for GWAR and its about fucking time! 25 fucking years is 25 years to many and now GWAR are taking the fuck over!
Cody B: Which talk show host would you like to rape next?
Oderus Urungus: Oh by far its gotta be that little, tiny hot one. Whats her name? Oh yes, Chelsea Lately! I would love to be on her show and well, on her.
Cody B: Would you ever consider being on Hannah Montana?
Oderus Urungus: I have had my eyes on her for quite a few years now and not only do I want to be on her but I also want to be in her. On, in, about and all around; if ya catch my drift? The thing is, I don't think shes hot at all. Shes kind of got the face of a Pekingese. Not to mention those horrible fucking teeth of hers! Holy shit those things are fucked up!
Cody B: So maybe just use a paper bag or go from behind or something?
Oderus Urungus: Well that is where the main problem arises. That seems like a viable option but if I were to place a paper bag over her face not only would I be disgracing the beauty of the paper bag but I would also not be able to see the look of sheer terror and pain on her face as I smash the fucking teeth out of her skull!
Cody B: So once this current tour is over yourself and the almighty GWAR will be heading over to Australia and New Zealand. Will this be the first time GWAR will be pillaging those countries?
Oderus Urungus: Yes! That will be the first time in many millions of years that we will attempt to locate those countries. We've tried before but we fucking got lost! Its surprising since its so close to Antarctica but we are fucking horrible at reading maps. So it wasn't until Google Earth came around that we were able to conquer the art of intercontinental transportation. So now we are going to Australia, New Zealand, Europe and Japan. As long as these countries don't fucking move somehow then I have full confidence in our abilities to find these places and lay them to complete and utter waste.
Cody B: So maybe a show in rural Tibet could be in the works?
Oderus Urungus: Of course! The Dalai Lama himself is a huge GWAR fan and has been obsessed with us for many decades. Beyond his infatuation in GWAR’s music he is also a dedicated fan of my immaculate spooning schlong. Not only that but he has been begging us since our arrival here on Earth to storm the mountains and plains of Tibet in order to protects his monks in the fight against imperialist China!
Cody B: So what can the Aussie fans expect from GWAR once you land on their shores?
Oderus Urungus: Hatred. Disgust. Horror. Terror! They've waited for so long and we thought that maybe they would have built some giant concrete walls around their country but they have not so GWAR will arrive and leave the entire fucking continent in a pile of putrid muck. All Kangaroos and other wildlife shall be gathered up by Balsac the Jaws of Death and will then be raped, smoked and eaten. Following such a feast we will then commence to allow the natives of Australia to take over once again. The way they wear mud for clothing is rather intriguing to GWAR.
Cody B: Is is true that you are personally demanding the first born child of anyone who is attending the GWAR show?
Oderus Urungus: Anyone who shows up to the GWAR show with their first-born or new-born child’s head on a stick will have the prestigious honour of paying me an extra $10 to get into the GWAR show which in turn will be directly spent on hookers and crack.
Cody B: So what comes next for Oderus Urungus once all of this world domination comes to an end?
Oderus Urungus: I, Oderus Urungus, will return to my luxury lair in Antarctica where I will proceed to get high on crack cocaine and sexually abuse as many penguins as physically possible. Perhaps I will write some music but that is yet to be determined. I think I should sit the fuck down and figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life, but only after I’ve finished my next crack-a-thon to be broadcast on GWAR’s official television station called Slave Pit TV. Then after that I will fucking stop talking about all of these anniversaries, go straight to number 50 and fucking stay there! Perhaps then, If I can conquer my internet porn addiction, I shall turn on Google Earth and find more countries to decimate!
Cody B: There's been a rumour going around now for over 20 years that GWAR have a secret bunker in Richmond, Virginia. Is that true?
Oderus Urungus: That is in fact one of many GWAR bunkers that are placed around the world, known as Slave Pits, in which our Slaves construct the hulking death machines we bring out on our tours to kill the fans with. The most prolific of these Slave Pits is located in Virginia because the crack supply is extremely potent and highly addictive and are also provided at the cheapest wholesale prices. The slaves consume alot of the stuff as well, which makes Richmond ideal. The slaves need to be as high as possible in order to craft our death machines to our every specification and then I proceed to show up, several hours late, and tell them they did everything wrong!
Cody B: True of False; Oprah’s vagina is another Slave Pit location?
Oderus Urungus: Without a doubt Oprah Winfrey’s vagina is by far the largest Slave Pit of them all. Not only that but it is also another “Bloody Pit of Horror” which rivals any other in the history of existence as being the bloodiest and the most horrific. Even I refuse to attend that Slave Pit and delegate only the most pathetic and worthless of slaves to work there.
Cody B: So when I mention a name, just tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Flattus Maximus?
Oderus Urungus: GWAR guitarist of the highest caliber. Very talented!
Cody B: Beefcake the Mighty?
Oderus Urungus: Immensely violent yet incredibly sensitive.
Cody B: Jizmak?
Oderus Urungus: I honestly do not know a single fucking thing about Jizmak! Hes called “The Gusher” yet we have never been able to figure out why!
Cody B: Balsac?
Oderus Urungus: Ah yes! The bear-trap of death! There is a controversy as to whether there is the face of a prince behind those jaws or just that of a hairy North Korean scrotum. He insists he is beautiful but he refuses to take off the jaws so that remains a mystery.
Cody B: Barack Obama?
Oderus Urungus: Hung like a horse! Actually, he is the only other living creature on this Earth or in the entire galaxy that could rival the size of my magical member. Also, let him do his fucking job! Hes good at it! We mind as well just proclaim him king.
Cody B: The Canadian prime-minister? Hell, I don't even know his name.
Oderus Urungus: Yeah exactly. I didn't even know until a few minutes ago that Canada even had political figures. So I guess the only people that care about them are themselves. I cannot name a single Canadian politician ever. So, the Canadian prime-minister can go fuck himself. Wherever he is, whoever he is. If he even exists!
Cody B: Jesus?
Oderus Urungus: Over-rated sack of filth! Not much of a basketball player either. He actually wanted to be a mountie believe it or not and they turned him down. Also, Ive heard that Canada is having a problem with mounties getting shot? Well here's some common sense advice for you, stop wearing those red fucking coats! They infuriate the shit out of people.
Cody B: So, are any celebrities out on tour with GWAR?
Oderus Urungus: Well, you’ve probably heard of that useless bitch named Sarah Palin. She is with us for the main purpose of us cutting her in half to guarantee that she will never be president! And also that whore Lady Gaga, who has been blowing the band every night, will be getting her tits ripped off and sewn back on at every show.
Cody B: So before I am undoubtedly murdered, chopped to pieces and fed to the mighty Gor-Gor is there anything else you would like to say to the readers of Metalunderground.com and anyone else out there, while I try to plan my escape?
Oderus Urungus: Yes all of you scum out there and your endless moronic devotion has led to 25 years of the almighty GWAR. We are the sickest fucking band in heavy metal history with an ever expanding fan-base of sick little fucks. We are poised to takeover the world, using Google Earth, so do not worry all of you insignificant scum we will soon be in a piece of shit town near you. For all of those who have somehow survived GWAR shows by hiding under the corpses of your dead friends you have not been forgotten and we will be coming back for you. You all will eventually be butt fucked on my flaming throne of golden syphilis!
Cody B: Well I would like to thank you Oderus Urungus for taking the time to kidnap me off the streets of Vancouver and grant me this honor of interviewing you. If you must rape and kill me, will you please be gentle?
Oderus Urungus: Absolutely not, you worthless pile of aids-infested steaming dog shit!
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