Interview with Beefcake the Mighty of Intergalatic Rockers GWAR
Band Photo: Gwar (?)
If you haven't heard of GWAR by now, then you must be living under a very dense rock. Still celebrating their 25th anniversary (although it's now their 26th anniversary), GWAR is currently touring with Mobile Death Camp, The Casualties, and Infernaeon. Their latest album " Bloody Pit of Horror" is newly released and GWAR will be murdering such people as Lady Gaga and Sarah Palin for your violent pleasure. I was lucky enough to have a nice, long chat with bassist Beefcake the Mighty. We discussed the new album, zombies, and other crazy things. The audio of the interview is available, but the camera lens broke when it saw Beefcake's face, so no image. A transcription follows.
Buick Mckane: Welcome to New Orleans.
Beefcake the Almighty: Thank you. Pleasure to be here always.
Buick: Isn’t this one of your favorite towns to play?
Beefcake: Of course! It smells like piss and there’s booze everywhere.
Buick: That’s absolutely true. It’s really great when you get to see people actually pissing or doing other things in the street.
Beefcake: Puking in their piss or sleeping in both; it’s great. It’s wonderful. Decadent, filthy town. I love it.
Buick: That’s the best word to describe it, I think, is decadent.
Beefcake: Very decadent.
Buick: Anyway, your latest album “Bloody Pit of Horror” is going to come out next Tuesday…
Beefacke: It is? Yes, it is. Excellent.
Buick: And you do the vocals on “Beat You to Death.”
Beefcake: I do. I’m showing my more sensitive side with a love song…about beating one to death.
Buick: A woman in particular?
Beefcake: No, no, no. Just anyone. Usually a man steps in my way like a fool. No, it’s just an ode to violence.
Buick: Can you tell me more about the whole album?
Beefcake: The whole album? You mean the hole in the center of the album? It’s a cd with a hole in the center of it.
Buick: Vinyl records have that too.
Beefcake: Actually, we are putting out a picture disc with our beautiful visages on it. So that will be nice. We’ll be doing vinyl of this record in picture disc form. The record came about as we decided we wanted to do a record. So we wrote songs, recorded them, and pressed them into compact discs. It’s a great fucking record. I’m very happy with it. I’m very proud of it. I think it sounds great. It’s an excellent follow-up to “Lust in Space,” which was another excellent album, of course. This one starts out with a 13-minute, four-part zombie epic which is good. GWAR’s finally addressing the zombie crisis. The crisis being that so many out-of-work zombies and so many zombie movies that aren’t hiring zombies is atrocious.
Buick: Right, they just have people dressing up like that.
Beefcake: It’s not fair! I mean, you don’t really have to be a good actor to be a zombie if you’re a zombie. You don’t have to be a good zombie if you’re an actor. You just have to go, “Uuuunnnnhhhhhh.”
Buick: So many actors are zombies, right? They don’t have personalities.
Beefcake: Yes, lots of actors are very, very stupid.
Buick: Who’s your least favorite actor? Christian Bale, maybe?
Beefcake: It’s impossible to say. It’s impossible to say. There’s so many shitty actors. So many shitty actors. It’s like what’s your favorite song; I don’t know.
Buick: Right, what do you think of the series on t.v. called “The Walking Dead”?
Beefcake: I haven’t seen it so I really can’t say. It’d better be good. It’s better not be like those other shitty, stupid, gay vampire/werewolf bullshit, crap they keep putting out, but we’ll see.
Buick: It’s a long series, they’re going to have to have some drama in it, right?
Beefcake: Yeah, yeah. And plenty room for shitty actors.
Buick: Well anyway, how many songs from the new album will you be performing tonight?
Beefcake: I think four.
Buick: Are you going to play the zombie song?
Beefcake: We’re playing the first one. We’re playing part one, which all the parts kind of stand on their own, but, yeah, we’re playing the first part.
Buick: Alright, so you’re still celebrating your two-year long 25th anniversary…
Beefcake: Yes and we’ve discovered now that it’s our 26th anniversary now.
Buick: Well when is it finally going to be over? Or are you just going to celebrate it to the end?
Beefcake: Yes, I believe there’s talk of just leaping right into the 50th anniversary because people like 25 increments of 25 years. Seems to be, you get gold watches and silver medallions and things; 25, 50, and 75. So we’ll jump right into the 50th anniversary which will last ten or twelve years.
Buick: And how are you going to celebrate that differently from this?
Beefcake: Just more horrible decadence, rock n’ roll, booze...
Beefcake: Murder. Just fun.
Buick: Anyone in particular?
Beefcake: Anybody we get our hands on. I wanted to kill Justin Bieber this year, but I was outvoted. And so we’re slaughtering Lady Gaga instead.
Buick: That’s pretty cool. They’re both awful.
Beefcake: Yeah, they’re both awful.
Buick: What about Miley Cyrus?
Beefcake: Miley Cyrus, well Ballzack is in love with Hannah Montana, so we can’t kill Miley Cyrus or he’ll find out that Hannah Montana really is Miley Cyrus. So to spare his feelings, we have to spare Miley Cyrus. For the time being. For murder, anyway.
Buick: Maybe when she turns 18. Is she even 18 yet?
Beefacke: It doesn’t matter. She’s a Hollywood whore.
Buick: That’s absolutely true. So a few months ago, GWAR held the GWAR-B-Q in Richmond, Virginia. You had tattooing, like actual tattooing, not fake…oohh! Look, you got one!
Beefcake: I got one as well. Yeah, it was great! It was a lot of fun. We had Little Ozzy, little Ozzy impersonator, who was awesome.
Buick: A midget? A little person?
Beefcake: A little person. He was great and tons of bands. Mobile Death Camp played, and Cannabis Corpse played, and lots of Richmond bands played. It was a huge success. Tons of people came out. We had a blast. We had a reunion of many, many, many of the people throughout GWAR’s history. All three Beefcakes were there. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone! It was great. It was a really good time. A lot of people showed up, and it was a great success.
Buick: Do you think you’ll have another one?
Beefcake: I know we’ll have another one and it will be even bigger and better.
Buick: You going to do more tattoos and just cover your legs up?
Beefcake: We’ll see, you know, I mean, I’m a work in progress.
Buick: Aren’t we all? I’ve got mine on my upper back.
Beefcake: The chest is next.
Buick: That’s awesome. So last month, Oderus said some pretty mean things about Rob Zombie and Lordi.
Beefcake: Of course.
Buick: So what are your personal feelings about them?
Beefcake: Oh we ridicule everyone. We ridicule everyone, so of course, that’s who we are. That’s what we’re about. We don’t mean anything personally when we say people are horribly shallow, worthless-talented people; it’s just our way. But of course, actually, Oderus goes on, and on, and on about Rob Zombie being a plagiarist while we plagiarize everything we can get our hands on, and we do it shamelessly. No, but of course, we respect Rob Zombie. Lordi is shit, and they’re hacks, and they’re just not a good band. If their music was any good, we wouldn’t ridicule them as much, but they are such a shitty, mediocre band at best, musical band, that it doesn’t matter how fancy their costumes are, and they’re not because they’re stupid. You can’t out-GWAR GWAR. Ok, I mean, you can’t out-KISS KISS. You can’t out-Ozzy Ozzy. You can’t out-GWAR GWAR. You know, so, Lordi is just spinning the wheels wasting time probably making millions of dollars, but talk to me in two or three years, and we’ll see where they’re at. We’ll still be where we’re at unfortunately, but they’ll probably be bigger and better than us the fucking bastards. Anyway there was talk of touring together and they backed out. Yeah, they chickened out. They decided that they would be utterly shamed every night, and they would have been. So they backed out like cowards.
Buick: I see. Was there bashing before that happened?
Beefcake: Of course. There will be bashing always with anyone who comes close to daring to mimic anything GWAR does. Or anyone that has more success than GWAR or anybody whose better looking than GWAR. Of course there will be ridicule. It’s what we do.
Buick: Are you going to ridicule me for looking better than yall?
Beefcake: No, well you look really good and you can’t help it and we understand.
Buick: I can put the black makeup on though.
Beefcake: It’s okay. You so whatever you want.
Buick: Awesome. So anyway, tell me more about the scene in Richomond because I hear a lot of stuff coming out of there….
Beefcake: Richmond? What’s Richmond? You mean Antarctica?
Beefcake: Oh Richmond is a wonderful place. It’s a small-ish city.
Buick: Your second home?
Beefcake: Well I’m actually…my bass tech is actually from Dallas, Texas. But the rest of the guys are all over Richmond, Virginia. Richmond is a cool place; lot of art, lot of musician stuff. It’s got it’s weirdness, it’s sort of bohemian, you know, like if too many people start showing up to your shows, then you have to break up your band because that’s not what it’s all about. But it is a very cool place. There’s lots of really talented people, it’s a beautiful part of the country up there, lot of history, lot of racial tension which I always find exciting. And lots of really, really, really good food in Richmond. Lot of good, nice restaurants. It’s a cool place. But we’re from Antarctica, so I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Buick: Of course. How long has it been since you’ve been to Antarctica because you’re on tour so much…
Beefcake: We tour so much, it’s hard to get back to the old frozen wasteland. And it’s not really that great of a place anyway, it’s frozen and cold, and the reason we tour is to get the fuck out of there. It’s an excuse to get the hell out of there. I don’t know why we would go back anyway. But it’s there if we need to. We keep our stuff there.
Buick: Normally here it’s about 80 to 90 degress [in the summer and early fall], it’s cold today, but could you live in the heat like this? Being from Antarctica.
Beefcake: Sure. I mean, we’re not really from Antarctica. That’s where we got fucking stuck when we landed on this planet. We’re actually from all over the galaxy. So we’re used to all the different climes; intense heat, intense cold, intense boredom. So we’re very adaptable. We’re very adaptable.
Buick: What’s your favorite planet?
Beefcake: Hmmm. I think the squid planet was my favorite because it was all wiggly and jiggly and tentacally, and there was always good calamari.
Buick: I bet so.
Beefcake: Earth is pretty cool though. We wouldn’t stay on Earth as long as we have…of course, if we really wanted to leave, we could. But it’s a lot of fun here because you breed like rabbits, so there’s always fun to be had with humans, and there’s lots of drugs and alcohol here. So we do enjoy that. And pornography. The pornography here is…so we do enjoy that as well. But yes, Earth is one of our favorite planets. Just don’t tell anybody. That’s not for general consumption, that’s just between us.
Buick: Okay. Do you have a particular pornography that’s your favorite? A certain fetish?
Beefcake: Kitten on puppy. Yeah, because you kind of see the gun to their head, but they’re so cute, it’s just a fucking earth-shattering orgasm. I mean, um, yeah. Any of it, I like it all.
Buick: Is there anything else shoved in the bus by your other bandmates?
Beefcake: Shoved in the what?
Buick: I don’t know. Like shoved in the cracks of the bus, like they don’t want anyone to see, a certain kind of pornography?
Beefcake: Oh, yes, it’s fucking horrible. One of us has a fetish with road cones. Big, orange road cones. There’s thirty sticky, filthy road cones throughout the bus, and there’s not a lot of room on the bus for all these road cones. So yes, it’s pretty telling if you went through the bus with a handy-wipe, and a magnifying glass, and one of those florescent lights, you would learn more than you’d like to know.
Buick: I was a nun for Halloween this year.
Buick: I was, and some guy just comes up to me and says, “Do you know how much porn there is out there with nuns?”
Beefcake: Oh I love nun porn. Nun porn is great. You know what kind of meat a priest eats of Friday?
Buick: What kind?
Buick: I think I heard that joke. Something else about get in the habit with a priest. Alright. Sorry I got distracted.
Beefcake: Me too. I picture you in the nun outfit.
Buick: I’ll show you some pictures later.
Beefcake: Yes? Alright.
Buick: Is there anything else you would like to say?
Beefcake: Oh, there’s so much, there’s so much, I can’t think of a thing. I would like to say, as usual, that it is a pleasure to be in New Orleans, home of vomity, decadent pirates and bums of all sorts, and gutterpunks, and tourists. Silly, silly tourists. The tourists are the best part because they’re so obvious and they’re so stupid and they get drunk so fast and they just make asses of themselves. It’s awesome.
Buick: You talk like you’re from here. You know exactly how we feel.
Beefcake: Well, goddamnit, I’m from close-by sometimes.
Buick: With them damn Hand Grenades…
Beefcake: My bass tech, his mother is actually from Houma, Louisiana, and he’s from Dallas, so been here a lot.
Buick: Yeah, I have some family in Texas too. Anyway, thank you so much.
Beefcake: Well, thank you. The pleasure is all mine.
Buick: And yall have a bloody good show tonight.
Beefcake: We shall, and I implore everyone to do themselves a favor and pick up a copy of GWAR’s “Bloody Pit of Horror” which is just a bad ass record. Undeniable! Listen to it, and you tell me it’s not bad ass, and I’ll kill you.
Buick: If they say it’s not.
Beefcake: If they dare to lie through their teeth….you tell me you listened to that record and it’s not awesome, then I know you’re a fucking liar. You either didn’t listen to it, or you’re just lying to look cool around your friends. Either way, I’ll smash you in your face.
Beefcake: But I won’t refund your money. Come to a GWAR show, but the record, let us keep doing this crazy shit. What would the world be without a GWAR? You know what you would be stuck with? Lordi. You want Lordi to be the extreme, dirty end of the rock n’ roll stick? I don’t think so. You need GWAR right? C’mon. You need them. So yourself a favor.
Buick: That was a pretty good accent. Thanks so much!
Beefcake: Thank you!
Emily is an avid supporter of the New Orleans scene, often filming shows and conducting interviews with local bands to help promote their music. She also runs her own site dedicated to the New Orleans scene, Crescent City Chaos.
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