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Twilight Author Admits To Writing Metal Albums To Widen Their Apeal To Teenage Girls

In a recent interview discussing how Cradle of Filth would be composing the music for the next Twilight film, Twilight author Stephenie Meyer accidentally let slip that she herself had been moonlighting as a musical writer for various Scandinavian metal bands. Although she indicated that she’d written several albums the only release she would openly admit to was Swallow the Sun’s latest CD. “It’s true,” she stated, “bands have been approaching me to write their music because they’ve run out of ideas. Satan isn’t selling to pre-teen girls so they needed a fresh take. I’m really surprised no one figured it out, I mean it’s even called ‘New Moon’ for Joseph Smith’s sake!” She wouldn't divulge whether the band was officially team Jacob or team Edward.

When vocalist Mikko Kotamäki was asked if Meyer was involved in the Barren Earth EP “Our Twilight” he reportedly collapsed into a fetal position and began sobbing “Why do they have to sparkle? Why oh why do they have to sparkle?” Other bands are expected to come forward soon and admit Meyer had a hand in their recent releases.

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13 Comments on "Twilight Author Admits To Writing Metal Albums"

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Blindgreed1's avatar

Member

1. Blindgreed1 writes:

“Why do they have to sparkle? Why oh why do they have to sparkle?”

*begins smearing spakling feces all over his naked body*

# Apr 1, 2010 @ 4:43 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
xFiruath's avatar

Content Manager

2. xFiruath writes:

...is it wrong that I'm seriously aroused?

# Apr 1, 2010 @ 4:45 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Blindgreed1's avatar

Member

3. Blindgreed1 writes:

That depends... Are you dressed in drag? *offers a glittery pile of sh!t to xFiruath* You're supposed to smear this on under your skirt... Accessorize buddy. ;-)

# Apr 1, 2010 @ 4:51 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
metalheaddrummer101's avatar

Member

4. metalheaddrummer101 writes:

oh my odin...

# Apr 1, 2010 @ 5:24 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
metalfan653's avatar

Member

5. metalfan653 writes:

A metal writer believes that vampires should sparkle?

# Apr 1, 2010 @ 5:56 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
n0thinghead's avatar

Podcaster/Writer

6. n0thinghead writes:

LMAO!!! "She wouldn't divulge whether the band was officially team Jacob or team Edward." lol

# Apr 1, 2010 @ 6:05 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Blindgreed1's avatar

Member

7. Blindgreed1 writes:

xFiruath: If it's wrong i don't wanna be right.

# Apr 1, 2010 @ 6:09 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Hollow's avatar

Member

8. Hollow writes:

As the classic saying goes, "Hollywood is a killer.".

# Apr 1, 2010 @ 6:18 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Rayze's avatar

Member

9. Rayze writes:

Is this real, or is it just cause its April 1st?

# Apr 2, 2010 @ 1:29 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Zukros's avatar

Member

10. Zukros writes:

hahaha, lovin' it.

And New Moon is amazing. (the StS album, not the twilight crap)

# Apr 2, 2010 @ 4:10 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Norgarath's avatar

Member

11. Norgarath writes:

twilight mixed with Metal?HA.BIG JOKE! maybe if it were the twilight zone series! then cool

# Apr 2, 2010 @ 6:33 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
12. huh writes:

april fools?

# Apr 2, 2010 @ 4:44 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
metalheaddrummer101's avatar

Member

13. metalheaddrummer101 writes:

yes, post 12, it was april fools

# Apr 2, 2010 @ 11:25 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address

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