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The Rockstar Ramblings: The Kiss Coffeehouse

Photo of Guns N Roses

Band Photo: Guns N Roses (?)

This past week Kiss announced a Kiss themed coffeehouse to be built in Melbourne, Australia. Given the graduation from action figures, iPod applications, and coffins this seems like a good time to propose other ventures for some of our other eighties rockers.

Welcome to The Bon Jovi Hair Salon. Ask for the Jon Rocker and walk out looking like a prom girl from a John Hughes movie, or go for the Jon Country and you are will look good in your cubicle. Don’t forget to check out the jeans in the corner. They hug you tight, just like Jon’s do.

First there was Coke vs. Pepsi, then McDonalds vs. Burger King, now meet the latest completion war: It’s The Joe Elliot Hair Salon and Jean Shop. Set up across the street from The Jon Bon Jovi Salon, competition is so stiff that even Jon isn’t smiling anymore. The jeans have more holes, but you get a discount when you buy a pair and ask for the Joe Elliot Hairdo. You remember the semi-mullet from the early videos. The haircut the cool kids had in High School, the one that let the Vice Principal know who the pot dealers were.

Looking to shed that last ten pounds? Look no further than the GNR Sports Club. If you’re looking for a spin class you best move on. A large stage will greet you when you walk in. Run around the stage for 45 minutes and watch the pounds melt away. Still stressed? That’s okay, because you are expected to stop every fifteen minutes at the microphone in the middle of the stage. Here you will scream, curse, and rant at anyone you want. No one hearing you as you let loose? Its okay, no one listens to Axl anymore either.

Reality Star and lead singer of Poison isn’t about to be left out of the retail wars. Step on in to Bret Michaels Bandana Emporium. A Wal-Mart sized store with only bandanas. Not looking for a rocker bandana? You’re covered, just head over to the Hulk Hogan isle and I’m sure you’ll find a bandana (or two) to your liking.

Planning a romantic evening? Be sure to stop by Sebastian Bach’s Wine Shop. Only red wine is sold at this quaint hole in the wall. Show up when the owner isn’t touring and he might just share a couple bottles with you.

Looking to trade in your Toyota? No problem, pick up a Jaguar at Coverdale and Kitaen car Dealership. It’s simple: Drive off in a new car and you get to show off Tawny Kitaen for 24 hours as she rides your hood. Buyer beware, it may not easy to get rid of her after the allotted time.

Remember the sitcom Cheers? Feeling nostalgic? Pull up a stool to the bar at Steven Tyler’s Cheers. The differences between the show and bar are plenty, but Tyler plays the role of a sober Sam Malone behind the bar, ensuring his hair is perfect and pouring drinks for his patrons while filling their heads with tales from the road.

Trying to stay away from the tourists a bar named Cheers brings? Slide on over to Diamond Dave’s. Find David Lee Roth sitting at the bar, cracking jokes for 24 hours straight. No, he’s not going home and it’s just coincidence that the bar is named after him. “I don’t own this place, all of my money is tied up beer, pretty girls, and mansions full of pretty girls”, Roth will be quick to say.

From the interstate you can’t miss the sign for Slash’s Guitar World, a giant neon guitar with a lit up top hat. Try out the merchandise, it is encouraged. Of course be prepared for the proprietor to stop over and show you how it’s done. You may not walk away with your dream guitar, but there is a 50% chance Slash will ask you to sing in his band.

Finally getting around to planning that vacation, but don’t know where to bring Fido? Try Ozzy’s Barking Lot, a dog kennel that is overcrowded, but always welcomes another dog. Will they treat your best friend well? Probably not, but for an extra $10 a day you can receive a DVD of Ozzy picking up a number two that may very well be fro Fido.

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David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.

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1 Comment on "The Rockstar Ramblings: The Kiss Coffeehouse"

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1. deathfan87 writes:

there is a kiss coffeehouse where i live in myrtle beach, sc. it's a f***ing joke a bunch of overpriced sh**ty coffee and merch, though it does look pretty cool on the outside.

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