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The Rockstar Ramblings: Cranium Hall of Fame

Photo of Guns N Roses

Band Photo: Guns N Roses (?)

The past weekend Axl and the new Guns N Roses rolled into New York for a couple surprise shows. Going on late, and then partying for, as Axl was quoted, “As long as it takes”, it is clear Rose hasn’t changed much from the Use Your Illusion days. However, I was quite shocked to see Axl rocking the Fedora hat with the bandana, a bold move few can pull off. Add in the trademark oversized aviator shades and Axl becomes a first ballot inductee for the Cranium Accessories Hall of Fame, joining Bret Michaels and Hulk Hogan (first time ballot inductees in the bandana category)…

Sebastian Bach is two episodes into the current season of Celebrity Fit Club where there appears to be somewhat of a rivalry brewing between Bach and R&B ex-great Bobby Brown. Despite puking, and claiming “I’m not a Marine, I’m a singer”, Bach was outdone by Brown in the first episode when Bobby confessed, “Hey, this is still better than prison”…In episode two it was Bach getting in a shot at Bobby Brown’s “flashy” pants, saying “They looked like pants you could snort”…

In a recent interview David Coverdale (Whitesnake) noted that the next album will be “Soulful, bluesy, melodic power rock with a couple of underwear-moistening tear-jerkers thrown in for good measure”. Given the typical Whitesnake female fan base is forty-five years plus, a self proclaimed “soccer mom”, and owner of several pets I’m not sure how HOT we want “underwear-moistening”, actually, I can’t think about this anymore, let’s move on…

More Axl Rose news, after texting a special thank you to the NY audiences this past weekend he added, "So in closing...Fuck the LA Times, TMZ, Contact Music n' Spinner. I don't need 'forgiven' for alleged n' fabricated nonsense.” Sounds like someone is working on the lyrics to “Get In The Ring 2”?...

Finally, Stryper, the Christian heavy metal group, announced that we will see a completely different side to them when they release an album of covers. Just for fun (aside from the normal seriousness of my column) I’ve decided to take a stab at a potential playlist for Stryper.

The guidelines:
A). Anything satanic in nature is good fun. This is a rule in general.
B). The comedy factor, “What would Stryper look like in their yellow spandex and big hair singing song X?”. I know, they no longer wear the yellow spandex and the hair has been lowered, but in my mind that is Stryper.
C). Need at least two ballads.
D). Has to be categorized as a “hair band”.
E). W.A.S.P.’s “Fuck Like a Beast” can’t be used, too easy.
F). Old School two sides format

SIDE A
WILD CHILD (W.A.S.P.) A nice start, sets the tone for an album of controversy.
IT’S SO EASY (Guns N Roses) “Turn around bitch I’ve got a use for you” Picturing the spandex, hair, and giant cross stage prop…
SHE WANTS MONEY (Ratt) Seems like a good place for the first hooker song.
ICE CREAM MAN (Van Halen) No offense to Michael Sweet, but there is no way he pulls this off. Pure comedy.
WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE (Bon Jovi) Get your lighters out, it’s our first ballad, “Sometimes you tell the day by the bottle that you drink”…

SIDE B
SHOUT AT THE DEVIL (Motley Crue) I know Nikki Sixx will point out it’s actually shout AT the devil, but come on, listen to the lyrics…
LET’S PUT THE X IN SEX (KISS) Even for a cover album, “Heavens On Fire” would prove too controversial for this band.
TALK DIRTY TO ME (Poison) Back to back grind them out sex songs seems about right here.
18 AND LIFE (Skid Row) The second ballad, not only are they crazy about sex and the devil, but also the shoot’em up lifestyle, making sure they cover all of the rock n’ roll food groups.
SEVENTEEN (Winger) Wrong, wrong, wrong…

SIDE B bonus track
S.M.F. (Twisted Sister) With special permission from Dee Snider, Stryper ends their project with a put your fist in the air “fuck you” to everyone. Should this be played in concert, this is where they light the cross stage prop on fire…

Rockstar_Scribbler's avatar

David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.

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