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Rock of Love Tour Bus Season Finale Recap: Bret picks his Rock of Love.

Band Photo: Poison (?)

Bret takes the final two girls, Taya and Mindy, to the Dominican Republic where he will spend time with each girl and make his final decision. Michaels sits the girls down and explains in air quotes they are going to take a “private jet” to the “Dominican Republic” as if that is not where they are really going to go. They take a private jet to the Dominican Republic.

Mindy gets to have her date with Bret first. After a painfully quiet dinner she makes it up by learning to Tango and spending the night in Bret’s suite. If three seasons of ROL have taught us anything it’s that anything can be rectified by fucking Michaels. Anything. The next day Taya goes into the jungle to do something called Zip Lining (riding cables through the jungle), which can only be described as maybe the worst possible date for a girl. After, the romance continues with a dinner where Michaels attacks Taya’s intentions, bringing her near tears. To patch things up Bret has a master plan involving her coming back to his suite; however, Taya decides to take the high road and that she will not spend the night. Apparently she has not watched the previous seasons; you have to stay the night and fuck Bret.

Before elimination the girls are asked to pick out engagement rings while a recap of their time over the past twelve weeks is displayed; C-SPAN is less boring. I’m beginning to feel there is not going to be any payback for hanging in there and watching this season.

Prior to elimination Mindy appears to be the winner. Take away the over the top Southern accent and she is perfect. Meanwhile, Taya is a marketing machine who still may not know who Bret Michaels is. Bret brings out a ring and calls up Mindy, then tells her the ring is not for her and she is not the winner. She immediately turns bitter and calls Bret a “Jerk in a rock star uniform!”

Bret calls up Taya and believes she is the one for him; of course, he will not give her the ring, but rather hold it for her. So not only was the trip useless (obvious the decision was already made), but the ring was also a distraction. To sum up the third season of Rock of Love: Bret wins by promoting his career, and Taya wins by promoting Penthouse. The losers? Those who sat through the twelve weeks. Please excuse me while I go smash my television into a million pieces.

David S. Grant is the author of Corporate Porn, a novel published through Silverthought Press. His rock and drug fueled double novel Bleach|Blackout, novel The Last Breakfast, and short story collection Emotionless Souls are now available. For more information on David’s writing go to www.davidsgrant.com.

David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.