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Osbournes Reloaded Recap Episode 1: Where being bald puts you center stage.

There are two dogs and two f-bombs for shock benefit in the first minute, not exactly Prince of Darkness nor comedy material. Ozzy is standing in front of the stage yet Sharon must announce “Ozzy is here” to the audience.. I believe this was for Ozzy’s benefit and apparently needs to be reminded every five minutes.

Kelly Osbourne, who is dressed as a cross between Charlie Chaplin and Mary Poppins, goes into the audience to find a random bald guy to kiss a random woman. The hilarious twist is when they blind fold the bald man and he ends up kissing an older lady. Ozzy is screaming “Oh, Oh, Oh”, then adds, “Fabulous” after the debacle has finished. Next is a segment featuring Ozzy dancing in a leotard. Oh, Oh, Oh, my fucking God what is going on here!

After a much needed commercial break we see Kelly again going into the audience and pulling out another bald man. This time he is set up, his girlfriend of many years is there and is giving him an ultimatum: Marry me or it’s over. We are going to have to wait until the end of the show to find out his answer. Either that or say fuck it, this show sucks, and turn the channel. See, there are two choices here.

The next “skit” puts Ozzy and family in a fast food drive thru. Ozzy is repeating orders and people are unable to understand what he is saying. After they come back to the show Ozzy continues to act, no one can understand a word he is saying. FYI: Ozzy is here.

When Sharon asks Ozzy if he remembers their first date he answers, “No”. Let’s hope both Ozzy and all of us don’t remember this show. This leads into the “Mini Osbournes” part of the show. It is “mini” on laughs to say the least.

The end of the show puts the bald guy center stage with his longtime girlfriend. Sharon fakes a tear like the audience has been faking laughs. He says yes and Ozzy sprays a hose of frosting on the audience, his family, and the newly weds.

I was hoping the spray would come through the television, hit me in the eyes, and numb the pain of the last half hour.

David S. Grant is the author of Corporate Porn, a novel published through Silverthought Press. His rock and drug fueled double novel Bleach|Blackout, novels The Last Breakfast, Hollywood Ending and short story collection Emotionless Souls are now available. For more information on David’s writing go to http://www.davidsgrant.com

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David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.

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16 Comments on "Osbournes Reloaded Recap Episode 1"

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Rubyred's avatar

Member

1. Rubyred writes:

Yeah, it looks like it's gonna be quite the new "hit" for FOX TV - The OSBOURNES Reloaded TV Show. Those two little cute kids that protrayed Sharon & Ozzy Osbourne really really throw me a loop, their were adorable but the words that came from their mouths...'oh my goodness! Hell of funny, and the scene when Ozzy & Family are working in Fast Food is outrageous..'giggles all the way, this show. peace!

# Mar 31, 2009 @ 11:28 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Netromancer's avatar

Member

2. Netromancer writes:

If you read the article, it doesn't sound like a "hit" at all. It sounds like the last dying gasps of my respect for a metal legend. The other show was bad enough, but I somehow managed to look the other way. A f***ing variety show? For once I just don't have the words...

# Apr 1, 2009 @ 3:28 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Diamond Oz's avatar

Senior News Correspondent

3. Diamond Oz writes:

Very funny review. I'm sure it's funnier than the show!

There's a part of me that can't believe what I'm reading and another part that completely expected this kind of bollocks. What confuses me is when Ozzy made a public apology for the success of The Osbournes is Classic Rock magazine a few years back and then he agrees to this. Whatever.

# Apr 1, 2009 @ 4:16 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathbringer's avatar

Founder, owner & programmer

4. deathbringer writes:

Oh, the writeup is much funnier than the show. It was horrendous.

# Apr 1, 2009 @ 9:51 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
That_One_Guy's avatar

Member

5. That_One_Guy writes:

Shame on you, Ozzy Osbourne!!! SHAME! Lol.

Now playing: Obscura - "Centric Flow"

# Apr 1, 2009 @ 1:39 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
GORECUNT's avatar

Member

6. GORECUNT writes:

Yeah, saw it (I didn't have a choice in the matter. I was at home, doing nothing else, mom and sister wanted to see it). I knew it was gonna suck when everyone mentioned it.

Its very shameful to see what Ozzy has become. I remember when him and Sharon were at the Nordstrom at Tysons Corner Mall promoting the Affliction line. That sucked too.

# Apr 1, 2009 @ 3:31 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
7. Bruno Hockalugie writes:

I think this was the funniest April Fools joke story of them all!
When is this god awful show going to make it's debut? I need to know so I can be outside and far away from a television set.

# Apr 1, 2009 @ 3:33 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
GORECUNT's avatar

Member

8. GORECUNT writes:

Post #7, you missed it last night. And its 30 minutes of my life that I want back.

# Apr 1, 2009 @ 3:37 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
9. Lori writes:

What a disgrace! Positivily the worse form of what they perceive as entertainment I have ever watched. Shame on them, how dare they put this on at a family hour. Shame on channel 5,organizing a group and legal action as we speak to rid the air of this horrific display. Sharon is at the bottom of it all,l was'nt she punsihed enough, should'nt she be grateful for her life, and her physical condition. She runs the risk of being sticken again with a problem, and yet that does'nt even enter her mind. She is more focused on this rubbish, than supporting cancer care, or something important. How do you sleep at night!

# Apr 1, 2009 @ 8:19 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
ChassMasterPlus's avatar

Member

10. ChassMasterPlus writes:

i hope that missle kim jong il is planning on launching is targeted at the osbournene home

# Apr 2, 2009 @ 11:12 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
11. Jake the Viking writes:

The Prince of Darkness always have my respect - it is just sad to see how those close to him use him to get in to the limelight and increase their fortune. It's like watching the last fights of a once great boxer...

# Apr 5, 2009 @ 3:51 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathfreak's avatar

Member

12. deathfreak writes:

I will have to pass on the show.

# Apr 6, 2009 @ 5:20 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
bbristowe's avatar

Member

13. bbristowe writes:

I think this show is supposed to premier December 21 2012. If you catch my drift.

# Apr 6, 2009 @ 6:48 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathbringer's avatar

Founder, owner & programmer

14. deathbringer writes:

If it were to last that long, I would welcome the apocalypse, that's for sure.

# Apr 6, 2009 @ 7:28 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
bbristowe's avatar

Member

15. bbristowe writes:

Fox would turn it into a sitcom, I know it.

# Apr 6, 2009 @ 7:45 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Diamond Oz's avatar

Senior News Correspondent

16. Diamond Oz writes:

I watched some of it online and I must say (don't include me though) that I reckon it would go down quite well here in the UK. Considering some of the sh** we have on saturday nights, it would probably be a hit if they took out the swearing.

# Apr 6, 2009 @ 9:10 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address

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