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Rock of Love Tour Bus Recap: Tequila, Lesbians, and Porn Stars Highlight The Return of Bret Michaels' Reality Show, "Rock of Love Tour Bus"

Band Photo: Poison (?)

The first two episodes of Bret Michael’s latest reality show have established the following. First, this group of girls is the most insane cast to date (more on this shortly). Second, Bret Michaels, known rock star front man of the hair metal band Poison, can still be shocked (more on this shortly). Finally, despite an enormous amount of drinking during the first two seasons of Rock of Love, this season is going to make the past episodes look like a party hosted by Dr. Drew.

VH1 has changed up the format this year. Instead of the reality show McMansion approach, Bret Michaels is taking nineteen unstable girls, most with checkered pasts, on the road where temptation and an open bar lurks behind every corner, in hope to find the woman of his dreams. Sounds like the formula for television magic.

Here are the early favorites, or not depending on how many Bret beers consumed. During the photo shoot scene of the first episode, Bret recognizes Brittaney from her adult movies. After this uncomfortable exchange, we are introduced to DJ Lady Tribe, a girl who is already pretty tanked, stumbling as Bret takes her pictures. She is followed by a group of tattooed bleached blondes, nicknamed the blonde-tourage by Bret. Then there is Taya, a Penthouse Playmate and cover-girl who proclaims she is the classiest girl of the group. Sadly, Taya is correct. Gia is the first girl to get naked and then there is Beverly, the token tom-boy that is really into Bret Michaels' music.

After the photo shoot and more drinks, the girls climb into two buses (the really drunk blondes in the pink bus, the brunettes and not drunk blondes in the blue bus) and head to a concert where they are given the opportunity to be on stage with Bret. Giving the sauced girls a chance to showcase their skills turns disastrous when Gia, DJ Lady Tribe, and blonde-tourage member Farrah spend the time on stage flashing their tits and fake going down on each other. After the show, Bret takes the girls out to an after party, apparently believing they really could use a night cap. It is here where one of the most fantastic, or least fantastic moments of reality television occurs. Gia lays on the bar for a body shot. Instead of the classic approach, DJ Lady Tribe takes it to a whole new level when it appears she dumps the shot into Gia’s crotch and then drinks it. Bret, a man who has been in a rock band touring twenty plus years on the road, is both shocked and horrified by this.

Next, it is morning and the girls have already started drinking. In addition to the blonde-tourage (pretty trashed by the time sun has risen), Marcia is slamming tequila, dancing, and eating Doritos. She is puking by 10am, gives Bret a big kiss around 10:15am, and is fighting with the blondes by 10:30am. Could this be Bret’s girl? You have to believe she is an early favorite.

During the first elimination Gia is wearing an outfit that is a cross between stripper fabulous and Memphis whore. Resident ex-porn star Brittaney is in tears, pleading to not have her past be factored into Bret’s decision (seems fair enough to me). Farrah and other members of the blonde-tourage apparently had some afternoon cocktails and are barely able to stand. Bret keeps the porn star, but eliminates Gia and DJ Lady Tribe proving that these girls were too crazy even for Michaels. Again, overall this group has the making for the best season yet.

The second episode begins with Farrah speaking for the house regarding Gia’s departure: I guess you shouldn’t show your vagina in public. Well put Farrah, well put.

The challenge of the day is to marry Bret in a fake wedding and give him a meaningful present. Michaels assures us this is going to be awesome. Interesting side game to play when watching ROL: Each time Bret says the word awesome, take a drink of your favorite beverage. You will be well buzzed by the end of the show.

Wearing a printed tux vest (a strange ode to South Jersey?) Bret is greeted with everything from a five page wedding vow (Brittaney) to presents of stuffed animals, a blow up doll, and motocross racing helmet from Beverly who thinks she is in the Rock of Friendship show. Farrah promises Bret anal sex if he marries her. Ladies and gentleman I present our new leader.

After the sham ceremonies Brittaney feels left out and tries to over compensate by wearing a bikini that is too small, leading to a lot of fat comments and taunting from the other girls. This turn of events transforms Brittaney from ex-porn star to dangerous stalker chick. I know, same old story.

The eliminations bring surprises with Brittaney (stalker and ex-porn star), Marcia (loves tequila), and Melissa (crazy eyes) all remaining.

After being eliminated after the second episode Constandina asked the question: What is this Rock of Love or Rock of Fuck?

I think we can all agree on this one, it’s Rock of Fuck and I can’t wait to watch the third episode.

Update: You can catch up on Episode 3 here.

David S. Grant is the author of Corporate Porn, a novel published through Silverthought Press. His rock and drug fueled double novel Bleach|Blackout, novel The Last Breakfast, and short story collection Emotionless Souls are now available. For more information on David’s writing go to http://www.davidsgrant.com.

David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.