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Rock of Love Tour Bus Recap: Tequila, Lesbians, and Porn Stars Highlight The Return of Bret Michaels' Reality Show, "Rock of Love Tour Bus"

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Band Photo: Poison (?)

The first two episodes of Bret Michael’s latest reality show have established the following. First, this group of girls is the most insane cast to date (more on this shortly). Second, Bret Michaels, known rock star front man of the hair metal band Poison, can still be shocked (more on this shortly). Finally, despite an enormous amount of drinking during the first two seasons of Rock of Love, this season is going to make the past episodes look like a party hosted by Dr. Drew.

VH1 has changed up the format this year. Instead of the reality show McMansion approach, Bret Michaels is taking nineteen unstable girls, most with checkered pasts, on the road where temptation and an open bar lurks behind every corner, in hope to find the woman of his dreams. Sounds like the formula for television magic.

Here are the early favorites, or not depending on how many Bret beers consumed. During the photo shoot scene of the first episode, Bret recognizes Brittaney from her adult movies. After this uncomfortable exchange, we are introduced to DJ Lady Tribe, a girl who is already pretty tanked, stumbling as Bret takes her pictures. She is followed by a group of tattooed bleached blondes, nicknamed the blonde-tourage by Bret. Then there is Taya, a Penthouse Playmate and cover-girl who proclaims she is the classiest girl of the group. Sadly, Taya is correct. Gia is the first girl to get naked and then there is Beverly, the token tom-boy that is really into Bret Michaels' music.

After the photo shoot and more drinks, the girls climb into two buses (the really drunk blondes in the pink bus, the brunettes and not drunk blondes in the blue bus) and head to a concert where they are given the opportunity to be on stage with Bret. Giving the sauced girls a chance to showcase their skills turns disastrous when Gia, DJ Lady Tribe, and blonde-tourage member Farrah spend the time on stage flashing their tits and fake going down on each other. After the show, Bret takes the girls out to an after party, apparently believing they really could use a night cap. It is here where one of the most fantastic, or least fantastic moments of reality television occurs. Gia lays on the bar for a body shot. Instead of the classic approach, DJ Lady Tribe takes it to a whole new level when it appears she dumps the shot into Gia’s crotch and then drinks it. Bret, a man who has been in a rock band touring twenty plus years on the road, is both shocked and horrified by this.

Next, it is morning and the girls have already started drinking. In addition to the blonde-tourage (pretty trashed by the time sun has risen), Marcia is slamming tequila, dancing, and eating Doritos. She is puking by 10am, gives Bret a big kiss around 10:15am, and is fighting with the blondes by 10:30am. Could this be Bret’s girl? You have to believe she is an early favorite.

During the first elimination Gia is wearing an outfit that is a cross between stripper fabulous and Memphis whore. Resident ex-porn star Brittaney is in tears, pleading to not have her past be factored into Bret’s decision (seems fair enough to me). Farrah and other members of the blonde-tourage apparently had some afternoon cocktails and are barely able to stand. Bret keeps the porn star, but eliminates Gia and DJ Lady Tribe proving that these girls were too crazy even for Michaels. Again, overall this group has the making for the best season yet.

The second episode begins with Farrah speaking for the house regarding Gia’s departure: I guess you shouldn’t show your vagina in public. Well put Farrah, well put.

The challenge of the day is to marry Bret in a fake wedding and give him a meaningful present. Michaels assures us this is going to be awesome. Interesting side game to play when watching ROL: Each time Bret says the word awesome, take a drink of your favorite beverage. You will be well buzzed by the end of the show.

Wearing a printed tux vest (a strange ode to South Jersey?) Bret is greeted with everything from a five page wedding vow (Brittaney) to presents of stuffed animals, a blow up doll, and motocross racing helmet from Beverly who thinks she is in the Rock of Friendship show. Farrah promises Bret anal sex if he marries her. Ladies and gentleman I present our new leader.

After the sham ceremonies Brittaney feels left out and tries to over compensate by wearing a bikini that is too small, leading to a lot of fat comments and taunting from the other girls. This turn of events transforms Brittaney from ex-porn star to dangerous stalker chick. I know, same old story.

The eliminations bring surprises with Brittaney (stalker and ex-porn star), Marcia (loves tequila), and Melissa (crazy eyes) all remaining.

After being eliminated after the second episode Constandina asked the question: What is this Rock of Love or Rock of Fuck?

I think we can all agree on this one, it’s Rock of Fuck and I can’t wait to watch the third episode.

Update: You can catch up on Episode 3 here.

David S. Grant is the author of Corporate Porn, a novel published through Silverthought Press. His rock and drug fueled double novel Bleach|Blackout, novel The Last Breakfast, and short story collection Emotionless Souls are now available. For more information on David’s writing go to http://www.davidsgrant.com.

Rockstar_Scribbler's avatar

David S. Grant (aka Rockstar_Scribbler) is the author of several books including Rock Stars, Happy Hour, and Corporate Porn. For more information please go to www.rockstarbooks.net or www.davidsgrant.com. You can also follow David on Twitter @david_S_grant.

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38 Comments on "Rock of Love Tour Bus Recap"

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Gytrash's avatar

Member

1. Gytrash writes:

...and the point of all this crap is??

# Jan 18, 2009 @ 9:05 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Jenny's avatar

Member

2. Jenny writes:

Brett is gonna die a lonely dog or end up with a stupid slut.

# Jan 18, 2009 @ 9:11 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
3. TimW writes:

Just another lame excuse to get whores...most of the b****es on that show and the previous two were butt ugly!

# Jan 18, 2009 @ 9:17 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathbringer's avatar

Founder, owner & programmer

4. deathbringer writes:

My wife watches the show and I enjoyed the recap much more than the bits of the actual show I've seen.

# Jan 18, 2009 @ 9:26 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
xFiruath's avatar

Content Manager

5. xFiruath writes:

Further reaffirming why I don't have a cable television subscription.

I guess I've never really understood reality (or any kind) of show that is meant to titillate and make the viewer think they are going to see something that they aren't. Why not just watch porn if you want to see women naked going down on each other?

# Jan 18, 2009 @ 10:51 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Netromancer's avatar

Member

6. Netromancer writes:

Even though I've never been much for watching television, I've given it a try. Friend watches it and I wanted to have something for us to talk about at work. I just couldn't get into it. Only got through one episode. Barely. I watched a "Supergroup" marathon, but only cause I love Scott Ian and Sabastian Bach. I tried "Sober House" but to be honest found it very hard to watch having lost 4 friends to overdoses and having spent 8 yrs trying to help a very good friend stay clean. I'll stick with "Justice League" and "Heroes". I guess reality for me is exciting enough that I don't need "reality TV".

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 1:11 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
That_One_Guy's avatar

Member

7. That_One_Guy writes:

Never seen this show and now I really don't want to. Seems they lower the bar every season with reality TV. I f***ing hate reality TV.

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 1:29 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
8. Acdcgurl84 writes:

I think the show is great and reality does not suck i mean come on he is trying to find love while he is on the road touring. Bret michaels is a great singer. i watch every show and i always watch the show ive seen rock of love 1 and 2 and now this one. i hope he finds love because amber i think was not that good u need someone that understands ur life and owuld trust you while ur on the road. but i think the show is great!!!!!

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 2:34 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Netromancer's avatar

Member

9. Netromancer writes:

Oh, I'm sure he finds love just about every night while touring. And having a stable of willing chicks follow you from town to town can't hurt the odds either.

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 2:58 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Terminator's avatar

Reviewer

10. Terminator writes:

i dont own a television

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 3:54 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathbringer's avatar

Founder, owner & programmer

11. deathbringer writes:

And you don't sleep either. They would detract from you mission of terminating the resistance. Love the avatar, btw. Glad you switched back to it.

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 4:08 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
BrunoHockalugie's avatar

Member

12. BrunoHockalugie writes:

Netromancer- Brett only "loves" two things: money and a quality wig/bandana/hat to cover up the bald spots! I don't think this tool has the ability to love, just like Ebenezer Scrooge, Sharon Osbourne, and Gene Simmons before him.

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 4:11 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathfreak's avatar

Member

13. deathfreak writes:

3 words reality tv sucks

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 6:13 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Diamond Oz's avatar

Senior News Correspondent

14. Diamond Oz writes:

"just like Ebenezer Scrooge, Sharon Osbourne, and Gene Simmons before him."

I lol'd. Hard.

Now playing: Matisyahu - WP

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 6:19 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
SHREDDER13's avatar

Member

15. SHREDDER13 writes:

I've actually seen a few episodes from the first season of this show. They were so predictable that I completely lost interest in it. They should come up with something like...

"Rock Of Love with Rob Halford"

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 6:53 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Diamond Oz's avatar

Senior News Correspondent

16. Diamond Oz writes:

Oh dear Shredder. That's a pretty funny idea though but I doubt it would be a hit in America based on Halford's Brummie accent alone.

"Rock Of Love with Michael Jackson"?

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 6:59 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathbringer's avatar

Founder, owner & programmer

17. deathbringer writes:

Whoa, back to the cowboy Terminator?

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 8:15 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
godlike's avatar

Member

18. godlike writes:

I think Oz's suggestion of a "Rock of Love with Micheal Jackson"
would have to be a summer series....
All of the contestants are in school the rest of the year;-)

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 9:15 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Jenny's avatar

Member

19. Jenny writes:

LOL at Godlike's post :D

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 9:50 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Kalis_wrath's avatar

Supporter

20. Kalis_wrath writes:

*LOL* Good one, Godlike!
I do believe you guys know how I feel about this shiet show, and Brett, yes?

# Jan 19, 2009 @ 11:55 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Terminator's avatar

Reviewer

21. Terminator writes:

lmao godlike!

DB - haha, i dunno what you're seeing, but i definately changed it back to my original one - you know, of me terminating false metal posers!

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 12:17 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Kalis_wrath's avatar

Supporter

22. Kalis_wrath writes:

I think we could make a show "Terminator; The killer of metal reject's!"

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 12:22 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
deathbringer's avatar

Founder, owner & programmer

23. deathbringer writes:

Very weird, cuz it's back to the cowboy for me now. I must be on the wrong site because Kali is logged in and has an icon too.

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 12:41 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Kalis_wrath's avatar

Supporter

24. Kalis_wrath writes:

Hahaha! Whatever you did to the site works great on my phone. Took a damn week for it to "catche(?)" up, but I am happy over here.

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 12:47 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Terminator's avatar

Reviewer

25. Terminator writes:

lol, yeah turn it into a game show like the price is right. i could play a band and then my contestants would have to label the subgenre correctly.

Example: *plays atheist*

contestant 1 - "B00000TUULLL! just like the frisbees in my ear lobes!"
contestant 2 - "progressive, jazz-influenced death metal"
contestant 3 - "categories dont exist. i dont believe in genres because its closed minded."

contestant 2 is the closest without going illogical. contestants 1 and 3 are punched in the nuts.

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 12:51 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Terminator's avatar

Reviewer

26. Terminator writes:

DB - strange. when i post my avatar is the cowboy, yet when i view my profile its my old one. maybe there's some delay in transferring it over to my posts?

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 12:55 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Kalis_wrath's avatar

Supporter

27. Kalis_wrath writes:

*LMAO* Termie, that would be so BR000TAL! I want a number 7 at Burzums! I am hungry.

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 12:57 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Cynic's avatar

Senior Reviewer

28. Cynic writes:

Why is it that tv is so bad? I don't understand, aren't there more artistic show creators out there who want to make TV shows like Twin Peaks or The Mighty Boosh? Most tv today is so generic and dumbed down, it actually offends me.

Now Playing: Hammers of Misfortune - "Motorcade"

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 2:18 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Fuck_A_Name's avatar

Member

29. Fuck_A_Name writes:

The only reality tv show I watch is family guy.

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 2:29 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Netromancer's avatar

Member

30. Netromancer writes:

I honestly don't think it's that the producers are making bad shows as much as there is a phenomenal number of people who will watch bad television. Just my 2 cents.
And I'm not just talking about "Rock of Love". There is just a surprising amount of sh** on any channel you can name.

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 3:30 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
SHREDDER13's avatar

Member

31. SHREDDER13 writes:

The only shows I watch on T.V. on a weekly basis are...

Jay Leno/Conan O'Brien/Jimmy Kimmel
Saturday Night Live
30 Rock
Married With Children
The Simpsons
Metalmania
and...Beavis & Butthead

everything else is completely booooooring!...

\m/ "Zombie Apocalypse" by Mortician \m/

# Jan 20, 2009 @ 5:38 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
xman's avatar

Member

32. xman writes:

melissa is a ho

# Jan 23, 2009 @ 12:53 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
xman's avatar

Member

33. xman writes:

want

# Jan 23, 2009 @ 1:06 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
34. u r all gay writes:

Do u f***in people have a life? is this all u do? god people r f***in retarded!!

# Feb 4, 2009 @ 10:38 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Netromancer's avatar

Member

35. Netromancer writes:

Considering most of us on here can't stand this show who the f*** are you talking to?

# Feb 5, 2009 @ 12:26 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
36. u r all gay writes:

i'm talking to you mainly you f***ing fruit. you know you can't deny your undying love for this show and bret michaels. ur all a bunch brainless pole smokers with no lives

# Feb 8, 2009 @ 11:59 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Netromancer's avatar

Member

37. Netromancer writes:

If you took the time to read, not even a full episode, little buddy. What's funny is trying to pick a virtual fight about a stupid TV show with a person who doesn't watch it. Who's the real a$$hole here? You are b****ing to me about a show I don't watch. I'm sure study hall gets boring, and people calling you fa**ot because of your zipper pants and dyed bangs ticks you off as well, so starting a flame war seems to break up the monotony. I'll ask once again, who the f*** are you talking to?

# Feb 9, 2009 @ 1:43 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Anonymous Reader
38. u r all gay writes:

and i'll tell you once again, i'm talking to you mainly you f***ing fruit. you're just mad because you're pushing 50 and like bret michaels, you can't let go of the past, which explains your infatuation with bret and his tv shows.

# Feb 9, 2009 @ 10:04 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address

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