Pit Stories: Miss Frizzle's Fucked Up School Bus At A F5DP Show
Guys, guys, I don't even know where to start with this one guys. The fact that this really apparently happened is as horrifyingly hilarious to me as that time a naked dude tried, and failed, to jack off in front of Behemoth.
This week's pit story comes courtesy of vocalist / bassist Eric Bluebaum from Ohio sludge band Maharaja, who had the misfortune to catch the end of a Five Finger Death Punch festival set. Eric recalls the life-altering F5DP experience at Rock On The Range:
Somehow each year I manage to get a free ticket into Ohio's largest rock and metal concert: Rock on the Range. A carnival of trailer fashion, Bud Light, and indiscernible male/female nipples. This particular year I got a pass for the day Rob Zombie headlined. My friend and I didn't have field passes so we strategized on a way to sneak in. As we were faking up a backstage lanyard a cop comes up to us and asks us if we're trying to get into the field. We both reply "Yeeeea?" and the cop reaches into his pocket and gives us two field passes. I try to cheers him but he didn't fall for it. I'm glad he didn't kill me about it.
As most festival goers know, if you want to get a good spot for the band you want to see then you have to watch the tail end of the band before them. In my unfortunate case it was none other than Five Finger Death Punch AKA Bizarro Limp Bizkit that decided to stretch Wes Borland's look across three band members and dip Fred Durst in a Kentucky Waterfall by the ankle. It was the monkey at the zoo eating its own shit that you cant stop watching. Especially for their final song.
As Ivan Durst tells the crowd its their last song he makes a motion to the stage hands and tells the crowd they're doing something very special tonight. He says "Tonight we're gonna bring out our biggest fans to help sing along to this last tune" as he brings on stage twenty eight year olds. I don't know if this was their sick play on the old dead baby joke "whats the best thing about 28 year olds?/Theres 20 of them" but they literally brought out 20 8-year-olds on stage. I'm stricken with horror as the lead singer says "This last song is called...BURN MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!"
A zippy tune blazoned with lyrically prowess such as "I just don't give a shit, you need to feel it or you'll never fucking know it." The crowd goes wild, the kids are amped as fuck, and I'm losing consciousness. The caucasity. Its like a Kids Bop ad but its just the actual band with a bunch of kids behind them and Mickey Mouse is snorting meth off Minnie's mouse tits in a port-o-john back stage.
As the song is coming to a close the singer walks down the line of children and gives each one a turn to scream "BURN!" as he intervenes and says "MOTHERFUCKER!" as to somehow edit the song for the kids, or some shit, while also effectively screaming "MOTHERFUCKER!!" in the face of 20 eight year olds as a mom stuffed into a tube top films it all for Facebook later. The set ends, the kids get back in Ms. Frizzle's Fucked Up School Bus, and no one questioned any of it. Thirty minutes later Rob Zombie is setting off fireworks to "We're an American Band" in between his many cowboy hat changes. My life was never the same.
I managed to find some fan-filmed footage of the event in question (unless this is something the band just does regularly....) in a YouTube clip. It starts with one kid, but sure enough, soon there's a gaggle of 'em up there shouting away.
Maharaja will release the "Kali Yuga" album next month on September 22nd, with an advance track available below. Follow the latest on the band at Facebook here.
Ty Arthur splits his time between writing dark fiction, spreading the word about underground metal bands, and bringing you the latest gaming news. His sci-fi, grimdark fantasy, and horror novels can be found at Amazon.
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