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Pit Stories: The Limp Dick Salute To Behemoth At Bloodstock

Photo of Behemoth

Band Photo: Behemoth (?)

Oh guys, we've got a doozy of a Pit Story for you today!

This one's got it all: unwanted fecal matter, a dude too drunk to realize he shouldn't be naked, and an, er... "half mast" salute to Behemoth at Bloodstock Open Air.

Whether for good or ill, there's also video of the whole debacle below, if you've got the courage to give it a view.

This week's tale comes courtesy of Barnes, the guitarist / saxophone player from Welsh death metal band Intensive Square, who had this to say about witnessing something that can never be un-seen:

Undoubtedly the craziest thing I have seen inside or outside of a venue, would have to be during Behemoth's headline set on Saturday 11th August 2012, at Bloodstock Open Air Festival in Derbyshire. I'll set the scene: there was a huge boisterous rabble of our friends that went to the festival together and we spent the majority of that day drinking at our campsite. As the night drew in, we made our way into the festival area to catch Behemoth's set. In the mania of his inebriation, our good friend (who, for the purposes of this tale, we'll call Tony) repeatedly proclaimed that right at that moment Behemoth were "the greatest living metal band." When we reached the main stage, the band were already in full swing amidst a stage laden with Satanic artifacts and spewing pyrotechnics into the night sky.

Once we had weaved through the crowd and got as close to the stage as we were going to, the band began to play "Chant For Eschaton 2000." Tony went ballistic: "Fuck, boys! This is fucking insane! Behemoth is my favourite fucking band, boys!" and then he started to undress. Pissed beyond reason, mesmerized, and now completely naked, Tony bent over to pick up his red cap and simultaneously evacuated an unintentional morsel of shit from his bowel at the centre of a slowly widening circle of strangers; the festering eye of an uncomfortable storm.

"Boys, you've got to get me up there" he implored. Once our friends Andrew and Jamie had volunteered to raise him on their shoulders, Tony glanced down at his disappointing penis and realised that his general had been demoted to the rank of cadet and that he was not fit for the parade. He scoured the immediate crowd in search of a handjob, seeking to "make it a bit bigger," but upon realising that no help was at hand, he set about the task himself.

As Chant for Eschaton 2000 reached its climax, Tony was treacherously hoisted upwards until he was standing erect above the crowd, still pumping his fist in a futile bid to cajole his limp penis into following suit. He soon realised that this was a thankless task and gave up. Steadying himself with one hand, he slowly raised the other and formed an exultant horn as he shared the perplexed gazes of guitarists Seth and Nergal.

I know you might reconcile this as a fantastical myth, too implausible to have really happened, but luckily you don't have to take my word for it. Just check out the video below and skip to 49:20 where you can see the evidence for yourself as broadcast live on the official Bloodstock coverage of the festival.

Intensive Square's debut album "Anything That Moves" is out now on Black Bow Records on vinyl. For more info on the band, head over to Facebook here.

xFiruath's avatar

Ty Arthur splits his time between writing dark fiction, spreading the word about underground metal bands, and bringing you the latest gaming news. His sci-fi, grimdark fantasy, and horror novels can be found at Amazon.

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13 Comments on "Pit Stories: The Limp Dick Salute To Behemoth"

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xFiruath's avatar

Contributor

1. xFiruath writes:

I'm reading this thinking there's no way it went down like that. Then I'm on the floor laughing when I see on the video he actually gives it a couple of little pumps but gives up and decides to throw the horns instead.

# Feb 2, 2016 @ 4:00 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Drum_Junkie's avatar

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2. Drum_Junkie writes:

"... no help was at hand..." LMFAO!!!!
Whiskey d|ck strikes another unsuspecting victim.

# Feb 2, 2016 @ 4:48 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
americanpatriot1's avatar

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3. americanpatriot1 writes:

LMFAHO!!!

# Feb 3, 2016 @ 8:34 AM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Jigenuck's avatar

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4. Jigenuck writes:

Wow, watching someone puking at a festival is nothing compare to that!!!

# Feb 3, 2016 @ 6:28 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
NW_MetalHead's avatar

Member

5. NW_MetalHead writes:

That story was ri-d***-ulous.


(See what I did there?!?!)

# Feb 4, 2016 @ 10:28 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Blindgreed1's avatar

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6. Blindgreed1 writes:

That's awesome. XD

# Feb 5, 2016 @ 5:12 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
xFiruath's avatar

Contributor

7. xFiruath writes:

Fvck, they took down the video!

# Feb 16, 2016 @ 3:41 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Drum_Junkie's avatar

Member

8. Drum_Junkie writes:

You should have known it wouldn't stay up long.

Frankly, I'm surprised it was up longer than 4 hours.
;)

# Feb 16, 2016 @ 4:40 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
hellrat's avatar

Member

9. hellrat writes:

Haha, fvckin classic, gotta be the best tale from the pits yet....but damn! Wish I'd seen the video :)

Btw, what's cracklin dudes, been a while!

NP----Thousand Fold Death----Marduk

# Feb 26, 2016 @ 4:22 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Blindgreed1's avatar

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10. Blindgreed1 writes:

Sup HR?

# Feb 26, 2016 @ 4:33 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Drum_Junkie's avatar

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11. Drum_Junkie writes:

Long time no read HR! Did ya get stuck on a mountain?

# Feb 26, 2016 @ 4:44 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
hellrat's avatar

Member

12. hellrat writes:

Yo bros! Nah, my crap old computer finally sh!t the bed and typing on the phone is too hard with my pork fingers....wifey got me this tablet thing which is pretty sweet, though I'm still kind of a tard with onscreen keyboard on this thing as well haha

Anyway, good to see ya brothers \m/

# Feb 26, 2016 @ 5:26 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address
Drum_Junkie's avatar

Member

13. Drum_Junkie writes:

Sorry about the PC. I've been there brother. My hard drive crashed about 3 years ago. Sucks ballz!

I'd be careful about taking your tablet on your hunting trips, though. I read about a guy who came down from the mountain carrying two of them tablets. It didn't end well.... :)

# Feb 26, 2016 @ 5:52 PM ET | IP Logged Reveal posts originating from the same IP address

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