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Pit Stories: The Limp Dick Salute To Behemoth At Bloodstock

Band Photo: Behemoth (?)

Oh guys, we've got a doozy of a Pit Story for you today!

This one's got it all: unwanted fecal matter, a dude too drunk to realize he shouldn't be naked, and an, er... "half mast" salute to Behemoth at Bloodstock Open Air.

Whether for good or ill, there's also video of the whole debacle below, if you've got the courage to give it a view.

This week's tale comes courtesy of Barnes, the guitarist / saxophone player from Welsh death metal band Intensive Square, who had this to say about witnessing something that can never be un-seen:

Undoubtedly the craziest thing I have seen inside or outside of a venue, would have to be during Behemoth's headline set on Saturday 11th August 2012, at Bloodstock Open Air Festival in Derbyshire. I'll set the scene: there was a huge boisterous rabble of our friends that went to the festival together and we spent the majority of that day drinking at our campsite. As the night drew in, we made our way into the festival area to catch Behemoth's set. In the mania of his inebriation, our good friend (who, for the purposes of this tale, we'll call Tony) repeatedly proclaimed that right at that moment Behemoth were "the greatest living metal band." When we reached the main stage, the band were already in full swing amidst a stage laden with Satanic artifacts and spewing pyrotechnics into the night sky.

Once we had weaved through the crowd and got as close to the stage as we were going to, the band began to play "Chant For Eschaton 2000." Tony went ballistic: "Fuck, boys! This is fucking insane! Behemoth is my favourite fucking band, boys!" and then he started to undress. Pissed beyond reason, mesmerized, and now completely naked, Tony bent over to pick up his red cap and simultaneously evacuated an unintentional morsel of shit from his bowel at the centre of a slowly widening circle of strangers; the festering eye of an uncomfortable storm.

"Boys, you've got to get me up there" he implored. Once our friends Andrew and Jamie had volunteered to raise him on their shoulders, Tony glanced down at his disappointing penis and realised that his general had been demoted to the rank of cadet and that he was not fit for the parade. He scoured the immediate crowd in search of a handjob, seeking to "make it a bit bigger," but upon realising that no help was at hand, he set about the task himself.

As Chant for Eschaton 2000 reached its climax, Tony was treacherously hoisted upwards until he was standing erect above the crowd, still pumping his fist in a futile bid to cajole his limp penis into following suit. He soon realised that this was a thankless task and gave up. Steadying himself with one hand, he slowly raised the other and formed an exultant horn as he shared the perplexed gazes of guitarists Seth and Nergal.

I know you might reconcile this as a fantastical myth, too implausible to have really happened, but luckily you don't have to take my word for it. Just check out the video below and skip to 49:20 where you can see the evidence for yourself as broadcast live on the official Bloodstock coverage of the festival.

Intensive Square's debut album "Anything That Moves" is out now on Black Bow Records on vinyl. For more info on the band, head over to Facebook here.

Ty Arthur splits his time between writing dark fiction, spreading the word about underground metal bands, and bringing you the latest gaming news. His sci-fi, grimdark fantasy, and horror novels can be found at Amazon.