Metal Underground.com

Thought I'd create this thread as yet another place to throw a bit of humor.
I'd love to read anyone contributions for alternate lyrics to metal songs (or metal lyrics to non metal songs).

To kick things off, here's one I did a while back to Metallica's one, appropriately retitled "Duece".

I can't push out anything
Can't tell if my crap will plop or stream
Deep down inside it feels unclean
This terrible rumbling stops me
Now that the flu is through with me
I'm cramping up and cannot pee
My butthole is about to bleed
Nothing is real but pain now

Clench my a$$ as I wish for death
My a$$hole hates me

Back on the throne, it’s much too real
Out dumps lunch from Taco Bell
Don't look backward lest I hurl
Why’d I splurge for the 4th meal
Wince at the lube that sticks to me
K-Y is not just sex jelly
Tried all the creams that soothe the heat
Wipe this sh!t off from me

Clench my a$$ as I wish for death
My a$$hole hates me

Now my stomach churns, I'm not done
Oh God help me
Clench my a$$ as I wish for death
My a$$hole hates me

Sphincter imprisoning me
All that I see
Overflown toilet
I cannot eat
I cannot drink
Trapped with my filth
Commode my holding cell

Sh!tstaine burning my A$$
Burning my cheeks
Burning my colon
Burning my balls
Burning my legs
Burning my hole
Left me with the Sharts from Hell!

(This post was last edited on December 21, 2015 at 2:36 PM ET.)

Here's another one from Megadeth to the tune of Hanger 18:

Bangbros 18

Welcome to these pr0n set walls
It’ll take no time get you aroused
Impossible to get blue balls
For your seed is sucked by three hot blondes
Computer banks of MILF’s next door
Instant smut to jerk your rod

Possibly I’ve seen too much
Bangbros 18, I fap too much

Horny wives for holes of glory
Suspended sluts who cry for rough sex
No one watches for the story
Her tits aren’t real but who'd suspect
Two lesbians who stroke their clits
Who’ll then combine to suck ten dicks

Possibly I’ve seen too much
Bangbros 18, I fap too much

A little lesser known song from Fear Factory. The idea for this one all started with me hearing the lyric "Born, Bred, Beaten" and thinking "Cornbread Eaten". It just went from there. And like most FF lyrics, this is rather repetitive.
Hope you guys/gals enjoy anyway...

New Bread (Fear Factory – New Breed)

We’ll bake some new bread
We sift the flour
We’ll bake some new bread
We sift the flour

We are immune to rice itself
That food makes you real hungry
We are immune to rice itself
That food makes you real hungry

Cornbread, eaten
Cornbread, eaten

We make the loaf rise with yeast
We have control of what you eat
We make the loaf rise with yeast
We have control of what you eat

Cornbread, eaten
Cornbread, eaten

New bread, new bread
New bread, new bread

We are immune to rice itself
That food makes you real hungry
We make the loaf rise with yeast
We have control of what you eat

Cornbread, eaten
Cornbread, eaten

New bread, we make the new bread
New bread, we sift the flour
New bread, we make the new bread
New bread, we sift the flour

New bread [repeat]

(Comments, critiques, suggestions are welcomed)

(duplicate post)

(This post was last edited on February 25, 2016 at 11:20 AM ET.)

(Triplicate post while trying to figure out the work around for copy/pasting.)

(This post was last edited on February 25, 2016 at 11:22 AM ET.)

Since I missed last weeks post, here is another. This one based on Meshuggah's Rational Gaze reinterpreted through a coffee filter...

Irrational Glaze (Meshuggah – Rational Gaze)
Start the day waking early
Brew the coffee to make it real
Let Folgers flow intravenously
to know blood’s been congealed

We’ve all been lazy
Subjects of Virtual Decaffeination
A systematic, denial of the cocoa bean

To smell the fine grains, to feel the javas warmth
A cup fixed with flavoring tools, improved by fermentation

They Like Juice
If it’s not chewed, filter pulp from its substance
as our kind, wants to pour foam onto a strong grind
Everything examined, Supped and rated, one drink at a time
the harder we stir the more complete the
disintegration
In to solution
Ice
With whole milk
Whipping cream
Foams arise
Dispensers activated
-
Percolation aborted
the latte, beyond our grasp
The twin-shot of special expresso hidden
Where's my damn coffee
Barista offers Sanka insanity to serve
No clarity No unity

(solo)

Weak ass green tea undrinkable, transparent
It is as swill to our lips
Restrict our drink decisions
Espressos taken for granted-Absolute
Possessed, owned, controlled
By their common drip infected irrational glaze
Decaf, forever, we work among the ignorant

Never strain off the coffee grounds

Any comments, suggestions, criticism is appreciated...

(This post was last edited on January 11, 2016 at 1:13 PM ET.)

Here's another one. In an effort to avoid previous topics (food, sex, incontinence), this next song by Black Sabbath is about something as benign as laundry.

Snow white (Black Sabbath - Snowblind)
What you soak and what you bleach
Stains that don't come out easily
Feeling happy in my Gain
White crystals within my drain
(No stain)

Softer fabric on my bed
Since I got that new bedspread
Downy fills my every load
Wash in hot or wash in cold

My dyes are Tide but I can see
The snow white linens in the breeze
My skin no longer itches me
I feel the softest fleece on me

Hang the heavy clothesline down
Let me beat the cost of Dawn
dryer sheets like flakes of snow
Soon I’ll feed the laundry soap

Don't you think I know what I'm doing
Don't tell me that I’m washing it wrong
You're the one that smells like a loser
These ol’ sweaters feel nice and soft

Rid the world of muted colors
Turn my grays to vibrant colors
Laundry drying in the sun
Will I fight this Eczema?

I've got a few more in the queue, but if anyone has an idea they'd like to post, feel free. I'd enjoy reading someone else's take.

(This post was last edited on January 18, 2016 at 2:25 PM ET.)

I remember seeing Gojira for the first time and laughed my ass of when they introduced one of their songs.
"This next song...(dramatic pause) is about Whales...(dramatic pause) that fly... This next song is called.. Flying Whales."
For whatever reason I imagined fat chicks floating through the air. This next set of alternate lyrics are a 'heavy' bastardization of that song.

Gojira – Flying Whales
Weight watchers of chaos have invaded our space
Their folded girth again, I love to fuck these whales
Fat rolls do guide us to their wetter spots of life
I won't despair
I'll break their dark hole ‘n pound

Smothered
By heavy teats
My chest
Crushed tight
From WHALES!

Beyond the gyms I searched
And had a different view
Of some big girls: No skinny chicks for me
Butt cheeks in yoga pants
I fondled the place where
they want
ass play
Fat lovin’ time tonight

Udders
They sway
Hang down
just right
Like a magic carpet ride
I grabbed her supple thighs around
From back here
Pour My Seed out on her weighty flesh

How I can chase these whales
Love handles got the twerk
ripe ass thrown in the sky
I can't believe my eyes
Butt so huge

Fudge tunnel grips me tight
Like banks of clouds they gather
See massive shape of flesh
Slutty giants of the club
The curviest comes to me
A BBW who’s horny
She shows me a good time
Slowly grinding on my gear

So much
total width
no words at all
Powerful
Plumpness
Her only speech
“BUUURRRRRP…”

Devour
Hot wings
Big Girls
delight
FAAAAT!

(This post was last edited on February 10, 2016 at 7:05 PM ET.)

Here's one from Pantera. Rumor has it that these were the original lyrics written by Vinnie Paul...

Fucking Docile

Almost every day
I eat at the same place
A window corner booth
And stuff my face with food
When you go weigh yourself
You go and starve yourself
You stop to regurgitate
Until you nauseate
Today I’ll play the part of grandparent
I’ll bake a dozen cookies
For you to eat all by yourself
My pies will give you type II diabetes
While I’m making fudge and baking bread
and cooking food my own way
The right way

[Chorus]
To eat
To feed
My heartbeat stops
In turn
It’s making us
Fucking docile

We’ll weigh a ton!

When food takes way too long
They get your order wrong
You scream and piss and moan
To take your food to go
You don’t stop to wonder why
Thousands of people die
You’re eating truffles, man
While kids starve in Sudan
Now I’ll play a restaurant server
To serve and bring food
Buy some shrimp with the steak
I’ll bus the tables
for breakfast lunch and dinner
And believe you me
If you tipped me
I’ll bring your change like a man
Not a dog

[Chorus]

Come meet the baker, boy
Some food you can’t enjoy
Because of Cholesterol
A fucking wives’ tale
The butter on your bread
The sugar cube is death
Weight watchers say your prayers
Cause gluten’s everywhere
Now I’ll play a man eating seafood
Who just ordered the ultimate feast tonight
I pick all you can eat because I am hungry
I’ll outgrow my clothing and donate them to a stranger

Pants won’t fasten

[Chorus]

(This post was last edited on February 24, 2016 at 5:12 PM ET.)

Thanks Blind! Much appreciated. My personal favorite so far is Meshuggah's. That one took some effort to get it to flow well.

Here's one from Nightwish. I tried, but for the life of me I couldn't work in sweater puppets.

Large Chest of Wonders (Nightwish – Dark Chest of Wonders)
“Once I had a dream about her tits”

(Once there was / two high beams)
One night the clock struck twelve, her window open wide
(There it was / her huge rack)
The time I was walking by and took a peek inside

(Saw her firm / tig bitties)
This time she turned to me, fondled her fair headlights
(Once I wished / for this night)
Lust brought me here, it's time to cup her breasts and…

[Chorus:]
Feel the double D’s
Far beyond a C
All the bras are gone
She bares her chest once more
Large chest of wonders
Seem supersized
O’ the busty pillows
Ones I long to hold

Woman with the big boobs is what the world stole from me
This night will bring her back to me

[Chorus x2]

(This post was last edited on February 29, 2016 at 11:51 AM ET.)

Here's one of Slipknot's well known songs Surfacing. In this new context, Surfacing refers to the dreaded prairie dog effect.

Slipknot – Surfacing

(Got to go!)

Rumbling from deep in my gut
I don't see, a lavatory
Over and over my large instestine
All this Mylanta is doing me in!

[Chorus]
Push it all! Push this Turd!
Push every meal through your asshole!
Dump a log!
Dump a shit!
Dump a big shit!
Dump a bigger fudgie!

Sticky as the shart explodes
Taking shape, staining shag
Over and over my large intestine
All this Mylanta is doing me in!

[Chorus]

Feelin’ your bowel move, hold it in for your own sake
Dripping hole man, fart, stop, can’t wait
Hope it’s nothing, but it ain't holding back
Every damn turd that sprays is a sneak attack
Better sit your ass on the loo!
Ain't a fuck thing you can do!
Asspiss cause your stomachs getting empty
I am the burning feces you intend to clean

I am the push that makes you ‘move’ (4x)

[Chorus]

(This post was last edited on March 7, 2016 at 12:53 PM ET.)

With all the election coverage going on in the U.S., it seems appropriate to have at some political themed lyrics.

My first thought was Children of the Grave -

"Children Of The Bern"
Revolution in their minds,
the children feel the Bern
Against the rich that rig the system
thieving funds they didn’t earn
They're tired of wages driven down
being broke when rent is due
They'll fight the one(%) at the ballot box
until our incomes grow some too

Children of November live
in the ones that vote today
Will the polls rise up tomorrow
bridging the gap to Hillary?
Can the Bern give us as showdown
for all the land to hear?
Can He win enough delegates,
or will He disappear?

So you children of the Bern
listen to what I say
If you want *
spread the vote today
Show the world that love is still alive
you must be brave
Or you children of today
are Children of the Grave, Yeah!

* choose from:
A better place to live in (original)
a higher wage for living
free college tuition
to limit climate change
to bring social justice
a blue or brown suit
to keep social security
to reform wall street
to reform immigration

I'll post another one for one of the Republican nominees, which practically begs a Megadeth tune. (Liar could be used verbatim.)

(This post was last edited on March 11, 2016 at 1:30 PM ET.)

Well, I was leaning for Megadeth, but Slayer's War Ensemble has so much potential with the internal battle going on in the GOP.

Here is... Trump Ensemble

Propaganda Trump ensemble
screws the GOP
Cruz is plotting further right
in two-faced hypocrisy
Kasich sticks to policy
Ben Carson goes to sleep
Poor Rubio he lost his state
To th’ spray-tanned orange face

No filtration on his words
Encompass the headlines
Supreme art of celebrity
Staying in their minds
Blowhard no remission
Give ‘em all nicknames
Retweets by the Trump
Poll numbers that he’s led

Vote for Trump! Trump support!
The Vote is Trump, Donald Trump
When victory leads to massacre
The general vote is all uphill
With how many people hate him still

Vote for Trump! Trump support!
The Vote is Trump, Donald Trump
When victory's really short sighted
The general vote is all uphill
With how many people hate him still

Debates don’t rise above
When discourse falls
Depend on tripe soundbites
Like border walls
Dickhead brings protest lines
Flanked all around
Tone-deaf conversation
Forbode his crown

Regimes ultimate change
grown past their prime
Flowing funds are of no use
Preibus still whines
Superpacs air the ads
lost battles scored
Lone is their war cry
hashtag for nevertrump...War!)

Propaganda Trump ensemble
Split the GOP
Pandering to the right
In bold faced bigotry
Delegates accumulated
With crude strategy
When victory is 1237
any less is defeat

Vote for Trump! Trump support!
The Vote is Trump, Donald Trump
When the end is a slaughter
The general vote is all uphill
With how many people hate him still

(This post was last edited on March 15, 2016 at 3:12 PM ET.)

Here's another post from Pantera

This was inspired by the Just for Fun post about the headbanging horse.
MU.com news/details.cfm?newsid=124746

I'm Broken
He whispers – with a smile
In our - stables while
Young colts – start to train,
The halters - on their face,
nodding, neighing, trot in place.
Is the bit too rough for them to take?

Two... young… foals… run…
equestrians, good livestock but.
Sore saddles are not so fun.
That's how.
Look at me now.
I'm broken.
Inherent to ride.
I'm broken.

One day – the final ride,
a cowboy - fact of life.
Grain fed -it makes good feed.
Inbred – a stronger breed.
Every stallion, animal husband
a dozen apples for the eager stud.

Two… young.. mares.. spawned..
Solutions to livestock loss
Veterinary doctor can raise his cost.
That's how
Look at you now.
You're broken
Inherent to ride.
You're broken

That's how
Look at us now
(solo)
I'm broken.
Inherent to ride.
I’m broken.
That's how.
Look at me now.
I'm broken (broken) (repeat 2 more times)
I’m broke.

(This post was last edited on July 11, 2016 at 3:52 PM ET.)