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Anyone got any good jokes?

Posted in: Forum Home >> General Discussion >> Anyone got any good jokes?

Displaying posts 201 - 225 of 230 1 2 ... 7 8 9 10 Last
Displaying posts 201 - 225 of 230 1 2 ... 7 8 9 10 Last
Nov 22, 2011 6:46 PM ET #201 (permalink)

You and your british wit Oz :P

Nov 22, 2011 6:56 PM ET #202 (permalink)

I know, I'm a character!

What bounces and makes kids cry?
My cheque for Children In Need.

Nov 22, 2011 10:06 PM ET #203 (permalink)

Ive been telling this joke to everyone I can lately, because it's one of those really douche jokes that makes noone laugh, but everyone hate you. I cant believe I havent posted it here yet.

How do you kill a circus?

You go for the Juggler.

Nov 23, 2011 7:52 AM ET #204 (permalink)

This was an excerpt from a debate today in class:

Friend: "What is worse? Being ugly or stupid?"
Me: "Being black!"
Friend: "But that's both!"

Nov 24, 2011 7:32 AM ET #205 (permalink)

Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS?

It never gets old.

(It's terrible I know >;.<; But don't blame me - blame sickipedia)

Nov 25, 2011 10:12 PM ET #206 (permalink)

Why does the average woman live longer than the average man?

They don't have a wife.

Nov 29, 2011 10:44 AM ET #207 (permalink)

How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
Stick some sheet music in front of him.

What do you call a guy who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
The singer.

What's the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
One matures and makes money, the other hits things with sticks.

Nov 29, 2011 11:37 AM ET #208 (permalink)

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

There are three kinds of drummers... Those who can count and those who can't.

(This post was last edited on November 29, 2011 at 11:39 AM ET.)

Nov 29, 2011 5:16 PM ET #209 (permalink)
ZMA's avatar

ZMA

I know so many jokes but when the time comes to tell one all I can think of is this........

Do you know what a baby in a microwave sounds like?................. I don't either I'm too busy jerking off.

It sucks that I can only remember that retarded joke lmao.

Oh wait.

What do you give a blind deaf quadriplegic baby for christmas?..................Cancer.

I know too many dead baby jokes..... It haunts me.

Nov 30, 2011 9:18 PM ET #210 (permalink)

"Hand me downs." Apparantly not the nicest way to ask my wife to pass our disabled baby to me.

Dec 1, 2011 12:00 PM ET #211 (permalink)

What do you call a drummer that broke up with his girlfriend?... Homeless.

Dec 5, 2011 3:48 PM ET #212 (permalink)

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
A: Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.

Q: What would you call the smartest drummer in the world?
A: Mildly retarded.

Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

Dec 5, 2011 5:15 PM ET #213 (permalink)

"I'm invigorated at how absolutely awesome the record turned out."
-Lars Ulrich on Lulu

What's the difference between Keith Richards and a rotting corpse?
The guitar

Dec 21, 2011 1:42 PM ET #214 (permalink)

bump.

Here’s a dozen quickies for ya…

-"An egg is the unluckiest danged thing in all creation: it only gets laid once, it only gets eaten once, it takes eleven minutes to get hard, it comes in a box with eleven other guys, and the only one who ever sits on its face is its mom."

-When the guys laugh at me for volunteering at the women's mental health clinic I just shrug it off. But when they tell me I'm fucking nuts, I have to smile, because then I know they understand."

-"I hate it when the dog sneaks into the bedroom while my girlfriend and I are having sex. Inevitably, he'll start licking his balls right there in front of us. It's just his way of rubbing my nose in the fact that he can have as much fun as me without first having to buy someone an expensive dinner."

-"With all the spam we get for penis-enlargement pills, you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill that would shrink vaginas instead."

-"Women are like wine: I can only afford the really cheap ones that have the big, ugly boxes that leak."

-"Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club."

-"Add 'Come early on your first day' to that list of career advice that doesn't apply in the porn business."

-"I was with a girl once and she pointed and laughed. She said: 'Who do you think you're going to satisfy with THAT?' I said 'Me'."

-"I think the people above me are having sex. Either that or they're sleeping restlessly and agreeing with each other a lot."

-"Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex ?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak."

-"It was only after I untied my girlfriend from being face down on the bed that I learned her screaming, 'Asshole!' was a statement about my character and not an invitation or request."

And the last one for Netro…
-"How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers ? Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room."

Dec 25, 2011 3:46 AM ET #215 (permalink)

(These are all original content, based on my general personal experiences, or from working as a security officer in D.C.)

You know what I like to call that pouch of fat over a morbidly obese man's crotch? A pussy shield. He is never getting any as long as he has it on.

For those that don't know what 'going viking' is: Its when you fuck one broad, then fuck another broad without washing your dick in between. I like going viking because its almost a threesome and neither of them know.

My supervisor described a patron of the apartment building I'm working at as some broad with a nice ass but an ugly face. I don't really care about the face, its the first thing I cut off.

I was working at the campus and saw a girl with one arm. Sweet, one less arm to pin down. I had a similar thought when I saw a cute girl with one leg, "She won't run"

I was at the hospital for strep throat and the nurse was about to take a throat culture. She told me, "close your eyes and open your mouth" the last time I heard that I was in a football coach's basement. But no, taking advantage of boys isn't funny. I even feel violated when my doctor gave me a prostate exam, the only reason I don't say anything is because he threatened to hurt my parents if I did :P

Sometimes at night when I check the women's restroom to make sure its clear I like to take a second and take a deep breath through my nose and go, "*sniff* Mmmmm pussy."

My former client at the campus told me a story from her childhood when she was at a family cookout that had a trampoline. A woman jumped over the fence into their cookout trying to run away from her husband who was trying to kill her. In fear and confusion she ended up on the trampoline and her husband busted through their yard and blew her face off with a shotgun. It was horrible, my client probably didn't get to play "Duck Hunter" either.

Jul 31, 2012 10:31 AM ET #216 (permalink)

bump..

Just ran across this one and got a chuckle out of it...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to
get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate-glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a
hearse for 25 years."

Jul 31, 2012 8:40 PM ET #217 (permalink)

Hahaha! Like it DJ! Like it alot!

I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper.
"Don't be silly!" she said, "You can use my iPad!"
So I did. Fucking spider didn't know what hit it!

(This post was last edited on August 1, 2012 at 2:19 PM ET.)

Aug 1, 2012 5:21 PM ET #218 (permalink)

LMFAO!!!

Oct 11, 2012 1:38 PM ET #219 (permalink)

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
'Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake .....
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there....
On the couch....

Naked.

Oct 11, 2012 2:58 PM ET #220 (permalink)

HA!!! ^ Great bump to the thread!!

Here's another....

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer!
Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"

Feb 14, 2013 12:23 PM ET #221 (permalink)

BUMP....


A Romantic Moment in honor of Valentines Day.


A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text..............
"If you are sleeping,
send me your dreams.

If you are laughing,
send me your smile.

If you are eating,
send me a bite.

If you are drinking,
send me a sip.

If you are crying,
send me your tears.

I love you."

He replied........

"I am taking a crap.
What should I do?"

Mar 17, 2013 4:50 PM ET #222 (permalink)

Ten Catholic priests are killed in a bus crash. When they get to the gates of Heaven, Saint Peter says to them, "If any of you are paedophiles, go straight to Hell now." Nine of the ten turn and walk towards Hell before Saint Peter shouts, "And take the deaf cunt with you!"

May 3, 2013 6:11 AM ET #223 (permalink)

Whats the difference between a dead bird and 100 dead babies?

I dont have a dead bird in my garage...

Oct 25, 2013 5:00 PM ET #224 (permalink)

Last night I had to tell my wife that my dick was shrinking.... well, it was either that or tell her that her ass is getting bigger. You gotta pick your battles.

Nov 26, 2013 6:52 PM ET #225 (permalink)

^win.

I got a bit drunk earlier and my mother was telling me about some hot friend of hers who had breast cancer...I mean that sucks but its better to have a double mastectomy than a double ASStectomy. That's what really fucking counts in my opinion. I don't need tits on a broad honestly, she gets wet...Just saying.

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