"some music was meant to stay underground..."

70000 Tons of Metal - The World's Biggest Heavy Metal Cruise

Metal Underground.com Forum

Our newly launched forum is a place to freely discuss topics that are not directly in the news. Posting messages in the forum requires a free Metalunderground.com membership. You can still discuss news articles by posting comments on the respective articles (with or without a login).

Please view the forum rules before posting. Spamming, trolling or personal attacks may result in deletion of messages, loss of membership privledges, and/or a permanent ban.

Your permissions: while not logged in as a member, you may only read the forums. (Log in/Sign Up)

Anyone got any good jokes?

Posted in: Forum Home >> General Discussion >> Anyone got any good jokes?

Displaying posts 176 - 200 of 231 1 2 ... 6 7 8 9 10 Last
Displaying posts 176 - 200 of 231 1 2 ... 6 7 8 9 10 Last
Oct 26, 2011 6:47 PM ET #176 (permalink)

I do like that one ST! Lol.

Oct 27, 2011 9:28 AM ET #177 (permalink)

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan

Oct 27, 2011 10:10 AM ET #178 (permalink)

Hahahahahahaha SIGN ME UP

And I know you copy/pasted it, Wilco. Because there were capital letters and grammar.

Oct 27, 2011 10:24 AM ET #179 (permalink)

yes i know but still funny you know my writing well

Nov 8, 2011 8:40 PM ET #180 (permalink)

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

Wife: "What about ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

Nov 8, 2011 9:21 PM ET #181 (permalink)

Alright, I have a joke...
St. Anger.
Seriously, though, what's the difference between lead singers and God?
God knows he's not a lead singer.

Nov 8, 2011 11:14 PM ET #182 (permalink)

LOL! St. Anger.
Knock, knock. Whose their? Little boy blue. Little boy blue who? Micheal Jackson.

Nov 9, 2011 9:07 AM ET #183 (permalink)

Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the guitarist has to show him how first.

Nov 9, 2011 9:10 AM ET #184 (permalink)

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!"

Nov 9, 2011 2:06 PM ET #185 (permalink)

(For the sake of the joke, assume this is possible)
One day a man goes to the doctor and says, "Okay, Doctor, I have a problem... I have a 25 inch long dick."
The doctor, after conquering his skepticism, says "well... alright, but how is that a bad thing?"
"Because I haven't had sex in 25 years. It's just too big! Whenever I'm about to get with a woman, she gets scared, calls me a freak, and then leaves."
The doctor thinks for a minute and says "Okay, there's no medical... 'cure...' for this that won't leave you completely broke. But, here's what I can do - I know this witch doctor who lives out in the woods. I don't know if he'll be able to help you, but it's worth a shot."
The doctor tells the man how to get to the witch doctor and the man sets off, weaving his way through the woods until he reaches the witch doctor's hut.
He repeats his predicament to the witch doctor, and after coughing up a little cash, the witch doctor gives him these instructions.
"Go a little southeast from this hut, and you will find a pond. In the pond, sitting on a log, will be a frog. Ask it to marry you. Each time it says "no," your penis will shrink by 5 inches."
So the man goes and finds the pond, and just like the witch doctor said, there's a frog sitting on a log. The man drops his pants, and nervously says, "Hey... frog?"
The frog belches out a "Yeah, what?"
"...will you marry me?"
The frog glances at him and goes "are you serious? No!"
And sure enough, the man's dick shrinks down to 20 inches. This is still too big for the man's liking, though, so he decides to try again - "Hey, frog, how about marrying me now?"
The frog says "no!" and the man's dick shrinks down to 15 inches.
The man considers the options for a second and decides that 10 inches would be the best length for him to have. So, one final time, he asks the frog, "alright, frog, will you marry me?"
The frog glares at him and says "Look, dumbass, how many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no!"

Nov 9, 2011 5:28 PM ET #186 (permalink)

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's cock. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I want a divorce."

Nov 9, 2011 5:55 PM ET #187 (permalink)

How many singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one to hold the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Nov 10, 2011 11:00 AM ET #188 (permalink)

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and are therefore unable to feel emotions such as fear.
....Wait, shit, I think I did it wrong

Nov 10, 2011 11:02 AM ET #189 (permalink)

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse does not respond because horses can't talk.

Nov 12, 2011 7:10 AM ET #190 (permalink)

Anti-jokes are the best.

What's worse than a worm in your apple?

the holocaust

Nov 12, 2011 7:14 AM ET #191 (permalink)

A man walks into a bar.

His alcohol dependency is destroying his family.

Nov 13, 2011 9:07 AM ET #192 (permalink)

you have to be careful with anti jokes because someone always unwittingly turns the conversation to dead baby jokes. I'm saying it now so none of you fuckers get any funny ideas(in a joke thread, see what I did there?)

Why did the little boy drop his lollipop? He got hit by a car

(This post was last edited on November 13, 2011 at 9:08 AM ET.)

Nov 13, 2011 9:22 AM ET #193 (permalink)

What's sad about four black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.

Nov 13, 2011 9:31 AM ET #194 (permalink)

lol just found this one like two seconds ago.

So get this, a priest, a rabbi, and a shaman all walk into a bar...

but there's no rabbi and no shaman and it's actually my 8th birthday and the priest is molesting me....

and the priest is my dad and he's not a priest.

My dad molested me... a lot.

Nov 13, 2011 5:12 PM ET #195 (permalink)

Went to Holy Communion this morning. The priest was wearing sunglasses, a trenchcoat, a trilby and a false beard. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Nov 14, 2011 11:15 AM ET #196 (permalink)

What do u tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing. She's already been told. Twice.

How do u give a woman the world?
Open the kitchen window.

Why does the bride wear white?
To match the kitchen appliances.

Wanna hear something funny?
Women's rights

Where can u find a book about women's right in the library?
In the Fiction section.

Nov 21, 2011 9:00 PM ET #197 (permalink)

A text my sister sent me some time back:

"So I'm on the bus and I see a woman with two black eyes and a broken arm...She doesn't listen, and she didn't learn her lesson."

Some lines I will probably use when I decide to do standup:

"It isn't cheating as long as you eat the corpse afterward"

"Vaginas are like jeeps. Not the prettiest thing to look at but men love them for what they do."

Nov 21, 2011 9:05 PM ET #198 (permalink)

I was in Wal-Mart earlier today when I asked my girlfriend, "What's your favourite tele tubby?"
"Tinky Winky" she said
"No you fat bitch, what TV do you want?"

Nov 22, 2011 6:31 AM ET #199 (permalink)

^Love it haha

Nov 22, 2011 10:21 AM ET #200 (permalink)

My mate bought a guard dog the other day......................... it's useless, It lets anyone and everyone onto his property.

It's a UK Border Collie

Reply to Discussion or Return to General Discussion forum