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Anyone got any good jokes?

Posted in: Forum Home >> General Discussion >> Anyone got any good jokes?

Displaying posts 151 - 175 of 225 1 2 ... 5 6 7 8 9 Last
Displaying posts 151 - 175 of 225 1 2 ... 5 6 7 8 9 Last
Sep 27, 2011 4:29 PM ET #151 (permalink)

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Sep 27, 2011 4:44 PM ET #152 (permalink)

DAMN JUNKIE!!! lol

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
“Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?”
“Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.”

The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl.
“Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers.
“From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”

What is 12″ long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

What’s black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.

Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.

Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.

What’s the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.

(This post was last edited on September 27, 2011 at 5:02 PM ET.)

Sep 27, 2011 5:33 PM ET #153 (permalink)

^lol! Thanks GC...


Q: What's better than long legs wrapped around your waist?


A: Short legs trying...
----

Q: Why did Anthony Weiner get a midget to hold his dick?

A: For perspective while he took the picture.

(This post was last edited on September 27, 2011 at 5:55 PM ET.)

Sep 27, 2011 9:47 PM ET #154 (permalink)

So these two co-workers steve and joe were discussing their up coming wives anniversaries that happens to be in the same week. Joe says "I haven't quite figured out what to get my wife yet...what about you." Steve replies proudly "well I got my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes." Confused Joe says "why did you do that?" Steve "well if she doesn't like the necklace I got her she can go return it in her new Mercedes." Joe thinks for a second and says "I know what I will get her.....a dildo and flip flops." Steve bewildered responds "why that?!" Joe "well if she doesn't like the flip flops I got her, then she can just go fuck herself."

(This post was last edited on September 27, 2011 at 9:50 PM ET.)

Sep 27, 2011 11:06 PM ET #155 (permalink)

^^LOL MR

These 3 guys died and went to heaven, but before they could get in they had to see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asked the first one: "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" He answered "I cannot tell a lie, I committed adultery on her twice." St. Peter then proceeds to give the guy a Toyota. The next guy gets asked the same question, to which he replies: "I am sorry your holiness, but I cheated once." St. Peter gives the guy a Mercedes. The final guy gets asked the same question, and answers "I am proud to say that during my whole marriage I never once ran around on my late wife." St. Peter then gives him a Rolls-Royce. So, all three guys were driving around up in the clouds when they got to a stop light in the sky. The first two men noticed that the other man was bawling like a baby. So, they ask him: "Why are you crying? You got a Rolls-Royce!! And the man replied, "I know, but I passed my wife at the last stoplight and she was riding a bicycle!!"

Sep 28, 2011 11:58 AM ET #156 (permalink)

I've got a new one:

"The Metallica - Lou Reed collaboration sounds really good".

Sep 28, 2011 12:28 PM ET #157 (permalink)

^ Now I can find some humor in some of the tasteless baby jokes posted on here, but there's nothing funny about that joke, WOLF. That's a new low. ;)

Sep 28, 2011 12:40 PM ET #158 (permalink)

Ever heard "so bad it's good"? ;) Just imagine if someone actually said "the Metallica / Lou Reed sounds really good", I bet you'd laugh.

Speaking of tasteless baby jokes, got many of em, but they're just too... tasteless.


Ok, ok, I'll try:

A Russian tourist and a dog gets run over by a car in Finland.
The police noticed a clear difference between these 2 accidents: there were skid marks on the road in the dog's case.

--------------

What does Tarzan and Swedish king Kaarle XVI have in common? They're both Kings of the apes.

---------------

Too racist? ;)

(This post was last edited on September 28, 2011 at 1:07 PM ET.)

Sep 28, 2011 7:00 PM ET #159 (permalink)

What are Fins?

GAY

>;:(

Sep 28, 2011 7:38 PM ET #160 (permalink)

LOL!!!

What’s brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank.

--------

A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
“What are they?” she asked.
“Those are mummy’s breasts,” the mother replied.
“Will I get those?” came the next question.
“When you’re a little older,” answered the girl’s mother.
“And what is that?” the little girl asked.
“That’s mummy’s vagina,” the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
“When will I get that?”
“That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change.”
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
“What’s that thing, daddy?” asked the little girl.
“That’s daddy’s penis,” he answered.
“When will I get one of those?” the little girl asked.
“In about an hour.”

------

A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn’t complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn’t say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said “Don’t you think it’s a little bit presumptuous for you to think it’s okay to fuck me in the ass?”

“Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old” he replied.

(This post was last edited on September 28, 2011 at 7:43 PM ET.)

Sep 28, 2011 7:51 PM ET #161 (permalink)

Oh dang.

Sep 29, 2011 4:42 AM ET #162 (permalink)

Oh no. TIM the kid flipped. Shame.

Sep 29, 2011 8:10 PM ET #163 (permalink)

What’s red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

What’s green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.

A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclamimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m off home now.”

Sep 30, 2011 12:50 AM ET #164 (permalink)

A man and a five year old boy were walking in the forest at dusk. The boy says, "Gee mister, this forest sure is scary." The man replies, "You think you're scared, you're not the one that has to walk out of here alone."

Sep 30, 2011 10:20 AM ET #165 (permalink)

LOL AP1!

I've actually heard that one before, and I almost feel guilty it makes me laugh!

Sinister stuff...

Sep 30, 2011 10:30 AM ET #166 (permalink)

the loureed and metallica project joke of the year

Sep 30, 2011 10:34 AM ET #167 (permalink)

Wilco, I fully agree! I actually mentioned that one here earlier but the guys didn't like it :(

Sep 30, 2011 10:51 AM ET #168 (permalink)

but will buy it anyway just to have it

Sep 30, 2011 11:14 AM ET #169 (permalink)

Ok, mate. Let me know how it is.

Sep 30, 2011 12:53 PM ET #170 (permalink)

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Sep 30, 2011 12:56 PM ET #171 (permalink)

The horny midget found that the best way to make time with women was to be direct about it. So he went up to the tallest blondest woman at the party and said, "Hey, honey, whaddaya say to a little fuck?"
She looked down at him and promptly replied, "Hello, you little fuck!"

Sep 30, 2011 1:40 PM ET #172 (permalink)

Hey, Wolf. I guess the ;) was ambiguous in my comment. I didn't have any problem with your Reedtalica joke (or wilcos). I was aiming for a little sarcasm, but I missed the mark. Sorry buddy...

wilco, nice one on the midget joke! LMAO!

Sep 30, 2011 8:29 PM ET #173 (permalink)

LOL... Wilco...

D_J, nah, no worries mate!

Have a great Weekend, gents!

Oct 1, 2011 5:10 AM ET #174 (permalink)

wilco, you just won with the midget joke

Oct 26, 2011 11:13 AM ET #175 (permalink)

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas....Father O'Malley rose from bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful Texas day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead on his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.....the conversation went like this...."Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how may I help you". "And the best of the day to yerself..This is Father O'Malley at St. Anne's Catholic Church. There's a jackass laying dead on me front lawn". Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites! "There was a dead silence on the line for a moment....Then Father O'Malley replied, "Aye' tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin"...

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