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Anyone got any good jokes?

Posted in: Forum Home >> General Discussion >> Anyone got any good jokes?

Displaying posts 101 - 125 of 225 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Last
Displaying posts 101 - 125 of 225 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Last
Jan 29, 2010 8:36 AM ET #101 (permalink)

A Catholic priest gets in a head-on collision with a rabbi. They both get out of their cars.
"Are you all right, rabbi?" the priest asked. "Yes," the rabbi replied, "a bit shaken up though."
The priest hands him a flask. "Take a swig of this whiskey," he said, "it'll calm your nerves."
The rabbi takes a drink as they survey the wreckage. "So what do we tell the cops?" the rabbi asks.
"Not sure," said the priest, "but I'm sure as hell telling 'em I wasn't the one drinking."

Jan 29, 2010 3:14 PM ET #102 (permalink)

^Lol

Single vs. Engaged vs. Married:

Sipping her drink, the SINGLE girl leered and said, "Last Friday, at the end of the work day, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The ENGAGED woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The MARRIED woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?""

(This post was last edited on January 29, 2010 at 3:16 PM ET.)

Jan 29, 2010 5:42 PM ET #103 (permalink)

A woman trying to spice up her sex life bought a pair of crotchless panties and wore nothing else when her husband returned home for work. When he arrived he looked at her and she said "do you want some of this baby"? "Hell no" he replied "look at what it did to your panties"!

Jan 30, 2010 6:35 AM ET #104 (permalink)

Haha! I like that one Jenny! BGs was great too.

When I was taking down my Christmas decorations I thought to myself, "Hmm, maybe my decorations offended my muslim neighbours?" So I spray painted "ALLAH IS A CUNT" on my garage just to make sure.

Feb 3, 2010 7:48 PM ET #105 (permalink)

got a little sucky one
what did the Egg say to the pot of water?
egg:itll take you a while to get me hard I just got laid

(referring to hard boiled egg,and just getting layed by a chicken for people who dont get it)

Feb 4, 2010 4:22 PM ET #106 (permalink)

Why did Hitler kill himself?

He saw his gas bill.

Feb 5, 2010 8:58 AM ET #107 (permalink)

LIMP BIZKIT.

(no explanation needed, I assume.. :)

Apr 20, 2010 5:02 PM ET #108 (permalink)

A middle aged lady is in her living room watching telly, when she's disturbed by hearing the builders across the road. All day long they're making noises and shouting and swearing at each other. Finally she decides that she's heard all the swearing she can take, so she makes herself a sandwich and puts it in a brown paper bag and goes to see the builders.
She points at a bench and asks one of the builders, "Do you mind if I sit here?"
"Not at all love." the builder responds. She sits down and says to the builder,
"Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ?"
The builder shouts up, "Dave! Have you heard of Jesus Christ?"
"Why?"
"Because his wife's brought him a sandwich!"

Apr 20, 2010 10:49 PM ET #109 (permalink)

What has 72 balls and screws indians?


BINGO!!!!!!!!!

Apr 22, 2010 8:51 PM ET #110 (permalink)

Ill try to remember how this one goes...

There was a guy having sex with his wife when he had a heart attack and died. The doctors at the funeral home called his wife a day later after he died and said "Im sorry but your husband is still hard after rigor mortis kicked in, what do you want us to do?" She told them "Cut it off and shove it up his ass!" doctor: "What?" Wife:"Cut his dick off and shove it up his ass!"

At the funeral when the man was in his casket it looked like he had a tear in the corner of his eye, someone mentioned the tear to his wife and she went to check it out. When she seen it she said "Hurts doesnt it you asshole?"

Apr 22, 2010 9:28 PM ET #111 (permalink)

heres one for the ladies to get offended by:

Whats black and blue all over and hates sex?

A rape victim.

heard that one when a guy told it to a chick teacher in class once.

Apr 25, 2010 9:41 PM ET #112 (permalink)

This one is long as fuck so please forgive me

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

Apr 25, 2010 11:02 PM ET #113 (permalink)

^^ That was awesome.

Apr 26, 2010 3:08 PM ET #114 (permalink)

I "lol"ed.

Mar 29, 2011 5:23 PM ET #115 (permalink)

Bump... Gotta be some new jokes goin around.

Mar 29, 2011 6:20 PM ET #116 (permalink)

So a black guy picks up this white girl at a club.
he takes her home, and she asks him, " is it true what they say about black guys?"
He replies, "It sure is baby".
So he stabbed her and stole her purse.

Mar 29, 2011 6:46 PM ET #117 (permalink)

NICE FAN! LMFAO!!!

Mar 29, 2011 6:53 PM ET #118 (permalink)

A dwarf goes into a chemists and said, "I'd like to buy that four foot condom in the window please."
The pharmacist said, "You can't have that, it's for display purposes only."
The dwarf replied, "I'll give you £50."
"Ok. Done."

So the dwarf slid the condom over his head and unrolled it until he was covered from head to toe in this massive condom. He asked the pharmacist, "What do I look like?"
The pharmacist responded, "You look like a big prick!"
The dwarf sighed, "Thank fuck for that. I'm sick of being called a little cunt!"

Mar 29, 2011 8:34 PM ET #119 (permalink)

A blue and a white tampon cross each other while walking down the road, which one says hello first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

Mar 29, 2011 9:28 PM ET #120 (permalink)

Nice. I needed some good laughs. I still laughed at Jenny's (agian). That one's great.

Mar 29, 2011 10:28 PM ET #121 (permalink)

Darkstar's joke reminded me of this one I heard a few days ago;

Why are E.T.'s eyes so big?

Because he saw his phone bill.

Mar 30, 2011 10:46 AM ET #122 (permalink)

black guy joke was sofa king ha-larious FAN. almost peed myself.

wanna hear a joke?

women's rights.

Mar 30, 2011 12:55 PM ET #123 (permalink)

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street. They pass a playground. The priest says to the rabbi, "hey, wanna fuck those kids?" The rabbi replies, "out of what?"

Mar 31, 2011 4:13 PM ET #124 (permalink)

I got into an accident with a brand spanking new married couple. I mean, just married. The groom got out of his car just steaming mad. Yelling and screaming. I was like, "how am I going to get out of this one." So I said, "look sir, we can exchange insurance information all day long, we could, but that is not going to bring your wife back."

:) ....Heres another one for you all:

My nephews goldfish died the other day. It meant a lot to him. So I took my nephew into the bathroom and helped him flush the fish down the toilet. There was an uncomfortable moment afterwards when he turned to me and said, "uncle, am I going to see my goldfish when I die and go to Heaven?" I said, "look kid, I cant tell you what happens to a fish when it dies. I just can't. But what I can tell you is: there is no God."

:)

Apr 1, 2011 2:36 PM ET #125 (permalink)

What do a thief, a murderer and a carpenter have in common?

They all died in the end.

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