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Anyone got any good jokes?

Posted in: Forum Home >> General Discussion >> Anyone got any good jokes?

Displaying posts 76 - 100 of 226 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 9 10 Last
Displaying posts 76 - 100 of 226 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 9 10 Last
Aug 5, 2009 1:09 AM ET #76 (permalink)

Here are a couple more tasteless dead baby jokes, just for db. =)

How many babies does it take to paint a room red?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

Oct 14, 2009 6:32 PM ET #77 (permalink)

I remember once a girlfriend of mine was comatose. When I went in to sit with her during visiting hours the nurse said to me, "Mr. Hynes, she's still more or less unresponsive, but when I was giving her a sponge bath this morning, I noticed her eyes flicker when I began to dab her pussy... so if you feel like having some oral sex, I don't mind." I thought I may as well give it a go.

Shortly afterwards, her life support machine started beeping like crazy. The nurse ran and said, "Fuckin' hell! What happened?"

I said, "I think I nearly choked her!"

Oct 14, 2009 6:39 PM ET #78 (permalink)

A seriously depressed man called up the suicide help hotline crying his eyes out.

"Hello, this is Julian speaking how can I help you?"

The depressed man proceeds to wail out all his problems.

"I was married. To a beautiful woman and we lived in a big house. I had a great job and a we had a car each. We used to holiday in Barbados and had two kids, the lot! She met this guy on the internet and left me! She took the kids, all my money, the house has been repossessed. I was so depressed I lost my job! I'm thinking of killing myself."

Julian responded, "Well, I think that's for the best."

Oct 14, 2009 6:45 PM ET #79 (permalink)

A friend of mine once swapped his girlfriend for an outdoor toilet. He said that the hole was smaller and it smelled better!

Oct 14, 2009 6:55 PM ET #80 (permalink)

I was in the pub the other night and a mate was telling me about the time he bought a packet of luminous condoms.

He said, "My girlfriend wanted me to put one on, turn all the lights out and lay on the bed and she'd run in and jump on top of it."

I said, "I bet that was a laugh!"

He said, "You bet it was, I put it on the bed post!"

Oct 14, 2009 8:31 PM ET #81 (permalink)

i heard the other day on the news that 8 out of 10 women are battered.

and all along i have been eating mine plain!!!

Oct 19, 2009 7:41 PM ET #82 (permalink)

A bloke goes into a pet shop and complains to the clerk that his goldfish has epilepsy. The clerk takes a look at it and says:

"It looks fine to me."

The customer responded, "Yeah, but you haven't seen him outside the bowl!"

Oct 19, 2009 8:58 PM ET #83 (permalink)

A man once said to his girlfriend
"Hey, you have a wide pussy! Hey, you have a wide pussy!"

She Replied:
Why did you have to say it twice?

The man says, "I didn't..."

(Bonus points for the metalhead who can name the Arnold movie that joke is from...)

Oct 19, 2009 9:01 PM ET #84 (permalink)

Predator: GET TO THE CHOPPAAAAAA!

Oct 19, 2009 9:12 PM ET #85 (permalink)

^666 points for AP!!!!!!!!!!

\m/

Oct 25, 2009 11:54 AM ET #86 (permalink)

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a playground

Nov 5, 2009 6:51 PM ET #87 (permalink)

A guy walks into the bar and sits down to order a drink..
The bartender looks at the guy and says " Damn, where did you get the black eyes and the bloody lips.?"
The guy says " My wife"
The bartender says " Holy shit.. what did you do to piss her off.? "
The guy says " I called her a cheap whore.!"
The bartender replies with.. "Damn buddy, how many times did she hit you.?"
The guy says " It only took one swing with that bag of nickels she brought home.!"

Nov 5, 2009 8:50 PM ET #88 (permalink)

Why don't men fix their wive's watches when they break?

Cuz there's a clock on the stove.

Nov 6, 2009 2:14 PM ET #89 (permalink)

In the spirit of this weeks Eagles vs. Cowboys game at the Link:

A teacher excitedly addressed her entire class on how proud she was to be a Dallas Cowboys fan. Afterwards she asked for each student to stand up and announce to the rest of the class who their favorite team was. Each and every student in the class said that the Dallas Cowboys was their favorite team except for one little girl who stood up and said proudly "The Philladelphia Eagles". The teacher asked her why she was an Eagles fan and the little girl replied "because my mommy and daddy are both eagles fans". Pertebed, the teacher asks "what if your mommy and dadddy were both morons? Would you be a moron too"? "No" replied the girl, "i'd be a Cowboy fan".

Dec 30, 2009 2:24 PM ET #90 (permalink)

Apple have recalled the new model of the iPod for children. Apparantly, calling it iTouch Kids wasn't the best name for a product!

Jan 3, 2010 12:39 AM ET #91 (permalink)

Well, there were these three old ladies, sitting on a park bench one day, having a lovely chat. Suddenly, out of the blue, a young man appears in front of them wearing a big overcoat. He then flings the coat open, exposing himself right in front of these old dears. Well, the first one had a stroke, as you can probably imagine! Then the second poor old lady had a stroke! And the third poor old lady...............well, she just couldn't quite reach!!!!!!

Jan 3, 2010 7:33 AM ET #92 (permalink)

hahaha Oz, that's hilarious!

Jan 22, 2010 6:41 PM ET #93 (permalink)

Common math jokes... some of my favs from the university of Alberta

Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach?
A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!

New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.
According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

A mathematician is asked by a friend who is a devout Christian: "Do you believe in one God?"
He answers: "Yes - up to isomorphism."

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...'

In a speech to a gathering of mathematics professors from throughout the United States, George W. Bush warned the academics not to misuse their position to force their often extremist political views on young Americans. "It is my understanding", the president said, "that you are frequently teaching algebra classes in which your students learn how to solve equations with the help of radicals. I can't say that I approve of that..."

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

There's more but I'm lazy

Jan 22, 2010 7:15 PM ET #94 (permalink)

Even though it is 100% true (reported by Ozzfest.com on December 18), I still find this hilarious:

Ozzy Osbourne is coming out with a new album this year and it is called "Soul Sucka" (yes sucka not sucker)
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(This post was last edited on January 22, 2010 at 7:18 PM ET.)

Jan 25, 2010 9:46 AM ET #95 (permalink)

What do you call a bunch of lepers sitting in a hot tub?

Stew.

Jan 25, 2010 9:57 AM ET #96 (permalink)

A recent study has shown a direct link between the drop in suicide bombings and Susan Boyle. Apparantly now that terrorists have seen what a virgin looks like, they're not so keen to get to paradise!

Jan 25, 2010 8:45 PM ET #97 (permalink)

A guy is wandering through the Chinese wilderness and hasn't had any food or drink in weeks.
He comes across some random mansion and thinks: "Oh my God thank you i might get a nights rest and a good supper tonight"
So he walks up to the door and knocks, the Old Wise Man opens the door and asks "What do you want?"
The guy replied: please sir, I've been wandering through this wilderness without any food or sleep for the past few weeks, can I stay here for just one night?"
The Old Wise Man said: Very well, but you have to be gone by tomorrow morning and you can't sleep with my Grand Daughter or I will give you the worst three Torture Tests known to man.
The guy agrees to the terms and goes inside. That night he goes looking for the Wise Man's Grand Daughter, he finds her and sees that she is really hot so ends up getting laid.
Then on the way to his room he thinks to himself: "It was worth it, nothing bad has happened yet I'll just leave before he wakes up."
So the next morning the guy wakes up and sees a huge boulder on his chest with a note that said "Torture Test #1 heavy rock on chest"
The guy says "This is f-cking stupid!"
He gets up and throws the boulder out the window.
As he is throwing it out he noticed another note near the window which said "Torture Test #2 heavy rock tied to left testicle."
He shouts "Oh Shit!"
Its too late to grad the rock and he can't find the string so he jumps out with it. When he hits the ground he feels the most excruciating pain he has ever felt and finds another note which wrote "Torture Test #3 right testicle tied to bedpost"

Jan 27, 2010 9:43 AM ET #98 (permalink)

What's more fun than tying a baby to a tether ball rope and spinning it around at 200 mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Jan 27, 2010 10:01 AM ET #99 (permalink)

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg..

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

..........................................................................................................................................................................

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Jan 28, 2010 5:35 PM ET #100 (permalink)

whats worse than 10 babies nailed to a tree?

pne baby nailed to 10 trees

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