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Anyone got any good jokes?

Posted in: Forum Home >> General Discussion >> Anyone got any good jokes?

Displaying posts 51 - 75 of 228 1 2 3 4 5 ... 9 10 Last
Displaying posts 51 - 75 of 228 1 2 3 4 5 ... 9 10 Last
Jul 29, 2009 10:08 PM ET #51 (permalink)

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were hitchin' a ride in the back of a truck going down I-10. All of a sudden the truck jacknifes, hits the railing and goes over the side into the Atchafalaya(swamp). The driver and Boudreaux come up after a few seconds, huffing and puffing, but are otherwise OK. Nearly a minute passes and Thibodeaux finally comes up sputtering and choking. Boudreaux asks, "Thibodeaux, what da hell took you so long"? Thibodeaux replies, "I couldn't get da damn tailgate open".

Jul 29, 2009 10:24 PM ET #52 (permalink)

Signs you might be a Cajun:
1. You start an angel food cake with a roux.
2. You gave up Tabasco for lent.
3. You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says "don't eat the dead ones" and you know what he means.
4. Your mama announces each morning, "I've got the rice cooking-what ya'll want for supper?"
5. You pass up a trip abroad to go to the crawfish festival in Breaux Bridge.
6. You think the four seasons are: duck, rabbit, deer, squirrel.

Jul 29, 2009 10:34 PM ET #53 (permalink)

After he was dead, a Cajun discovered himself in Hell. He looked around awhile, then went right to work shoveling brimstone. The devil came up to him and said, "How you like it here, my friend? It's hard work and it's hot, yeah?"

The Cajun just smiled and answered, "It not so bad. The work is steady. I got no problem with steady work. And it ain't so hot. You think this is hot? Man, I'm from south Lousiana --- It hot there, my fren! This ain't nothing." He just laughed and went back to work singing and having a high old time.

Satan, being a former Texan, did not like Cajuns. He said to himself, "I'll get him. So he don't mind the hot, huh?" Satan waved a hand and the whole place was suddenly ice and snow, solid. And he said, "That'll fix dat fool!"

When he went back to check on the Cajun, he found him jumping up and yelling and laughing and clapping and dancing. So Satan said, "Man, what's wrong with you?!"

The Cajun smiled big and replied, "The Saints done won the Super Bowl!

Jul 29, 2009 10:37 PM ET #54 (permalink)

Boudreaux was sitting in the City Bar in Maurice, Louisiana, one Saturday night, and had several beers under his belt. After a while, he looked at the guy sitting next to him, and asked him, "Hey, you wanna hear a good Aggie joke, you?"

The big guy replied, "Let me tell you something. I'm an oil field roughneck, I weigh 270 pounds, and I don't like Cajuns. My buddy here is a pro football player, weighs 300 pounds, and he doesn't like Cajuns either. His friend on his other side is a professional wrestler, weighs 320 pounds, always has a chip on his shoulder, and he likes Cajuns even less than we do, and we are all Aggies. Do you really want to tell us an Aggie joke ?"

Boudreaux, all 150 pounds of Cajun attitude, told him, "Mais, I guess not. I don't want have to explain it three times !

Giggidy

Jul 29, 2009 11:42 PM ET #55 (permalink)

So my dad (a college professor), of all people, told me this one.

There's a group of gays sitting in a hot tub together. They're just hanging out, enjoying the warmth and the bubbling water. Suddenly, a blast of sticky, white liquid erupts from the foam. They just sit there in awkward silence for a few moments, nervously glancing around at each other. Finally, one of them gets the courage to break the quiet and asks -

"ok, who farted?"

(This post was last edited on July 29, 2009 at 11:44 PM ET.)

Jul 30, 2009 2:18 AM ET #56 (permalink)

AP1: The Cajun jokes are WIN!

You wanna hear a funny joke?
Women's Rights

What are the two worst things you can do to a 5-year-old girl?
I don't know the first one, but the second one is wiping the cumstain on her favorite teddy bear

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, someone already told her twice

Whats the good thing about having sex with twenty one year olds?
There's 20 of them

Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.

Why was the black Jew mad?
He had to sit in the back of the gas chamber.

What's worse than swinging a dead baby around on a string at a hundred miles an hour?
Stopping it with a shovel. -PANG-!!!

What looks good on a police officer?
The world trade center.

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed, reading. He says, "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache." His wife looks up, and says, "I think you'll find that that's a sheep." The man replies, "I think you'll find that I'm not talking to you!"

What's better than raping an infant?
Hearing the ribs crack under the pressure.

What's black or white and red all over?
An inter-racial abortion

Jul 30, 2009 2:29 AM ET #57 (permalink)

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto!

What's the worst part about having sex with Marilyn Monroe?
Maggots.

Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:
Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!
AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car. The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money." The lawyer says, "How DARE you call me materialistic." The cop replies, "Well, you've been so concerned about your car that you didn't notice that your arm is missing." The lawyer screams, "FUCK! My Rolex!"

A Jew and a fag go to heaven. St. Peter tells the Jew, "We're full, so you can go back, but only if you promise to stop being cheap." Then he tells the fag the same, but "only if you promise to stop thinking about gay sex." They go back, but then the Jew sees a penny on the floor, tries to pick it up, and they both die.

Jul 30, 2009 2:31 AM ET #58 (permalink)

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Jul 30, 2009 2:33 AM ET #59 (permalink)

There's a man with three daughters.

The first daughter(a Brunette) comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Daisy" the dad says" 'cause when you were born a daisy fell on your head."

The second daughter (a red-head) comes up and says "Daddy why'd you name me Rose" the dad says "'cause when you were born a rose fell on your head."

The third daughter (a blond) comes up and says "kjaglifvgjlfj" the dad says "SHUTUP CINDERBLOCK"

Jul 30, 2009 3:02 AM ET #60 (permalink)

What do you do after you rape a deaf mute?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

What do you get when you put a baby in a box full of razor blades and kick it down a flight of stairs?
An erection.

How do you get a baby to crawl in a circle?
Nail one of it's hands to the floor.

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?"
"Because you're ugly."

Why did helen keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was frggndorffngg

Have you ever smelled moth balls?
How'd you get the little legs apart?

A smoking hot girl walks into a bar. A guy at the bar says, "Wow, you're gonna get laid tonight!" She replies, "Hehe, how do you know?" And he replies, "Because I'm stronger than you."

During a man's annual physical, the doctor asked him to drop his pants and put his hands on the table. About 3 seconds into the rectal exam, the man cries out "OH MY GOD!" The doctor asks him what the problem is. The patient replies: The last doctor I went to did this with both hands on my shoulders.

Whats black and blue and hates sex?
The 4 year old in my trunk

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

What do 75,000 abused women every year have in common?
They don't f**king listen

What did the deaf, dumb, blind kid get for christmas?
Cancer.

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.
The teacher says, 'Save the children!'
The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'
The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

Abortion - it brings out the kid in you...

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?
"Hey, you gonna eat that?"

What do you get when you cross a black guy with an octopus?
I don't know but it sure could pick a lot of cotton

What did the lookout at the Alamo say?
"Colonel Travis, the landscapers are here!"

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!" He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

Jul 30, 2009 3:11 AM ET #61 (permalink)

(And this one is a reminder for a certain 2 people)

How is arguing on the internet like the special olympics?
Even if you win you are still retarded.

Jul 30, 2009 7:35 AM ET #62 (permalink)

Those were truly distasteful. I especially liked the one about the ribs cracking.

Jul 30, 2009 8:31 AM ET #63 (permalink)

Gorecunt, those are some of the funniest jokes I've heard in awhile! You're the man!

What's better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?

Not being handicapped!

Jul 30, 2009 11:34 AM ET #64 (permalink)

Killer GORECUNT . Just fuckin killer.

An Eskimo was traveling thru West Virginia and his truck broke down. This in the conversation that ensued; Mechanic-"Just as I thought,you blew a seal." Eskimo-" So fuckin' what'you fucked a sheep!"

Jul 30, 2009 12:28 PM ET #65 (permalink)

Thanks guys for the props. Now, two more:

#1
A husband is about to go on a business trip for two weeks, and he wants to find a sex toy that will keep his nympho wife satisfied for the time being. So he goes into a sex shop and tells the clerk, "I want the best sex toy you can offer." The clerk says "Okay" and goes under the desk and pulls out a box and puts it on the table.

"This, sir, is the voodoo dick"
"Voodoo dick?"
"Yes, the voodoo dick. Just watch." The clerk points at the door and commands, "VOODOO DICK, THAT KEYHOLE!"

The voodoo dick rises from the box and starts rapidly fucking the keyhole. Then the clerk says "VOODOO DICK, BACK IN THE BOX!" and the voodoo dick goes back into the box. Impressed, the husband buys the toy and brings it home to his wife.

"Honey, I know you're gonna miss me, and I wanted to find you a toy that will keep you satisified for the next 2 weeks that I'm not here." He further explains what the voodoo dick does and said that "All you need to do is say 'VOODOO DICK, [wherever you want it to go]'."

Two days later, the husband calls his wife from out of town to see if she's used it yet.

"No, I haven't needed to use it yet, but I'll use it as soon as I get off the phone with you."

After hanging up the phone, she takes out the box and says "VOODOO DICK! MY PUSSY!" The voodoo dick starts fucking her fast and hard. She enjoyed it, she came 3 times, but she forgot to ask her husband how to get it back in the box, so she got tired of it and started saying "VOODOO DICK, STOP!" Nothing. She tried over and over again, so finally she decided to drive to the hospital. She gets in the car, but as she's driving she's having intense orgasms and starts swerving. A cop pulls her over.

"Ma'am, have you been drinking?"
"No, you see, its this voodoo dick and I can't stop it from fucking my pussy"
The cop then says, "VOODOO DICK? MY ASS!" and the wife calmly drives back home.

Jul 30, 2009 12:50 PM ET #66 (permalink)

#2
A man is backpacking in Italy, he walks by the red light district and checks out the naked women in shop windows. He then sees one shop window that reads "Song & a blowjob" Curious, he steps inside to ask about it. The woman says "I can sing and suck you off at the same time."

"Okay, I'll check this out"
"But one condition, I have to do it in the dark"
"Deal"

The woman leads him into a dark room, where she proceeds to suck him off while singing a beautiful song. Satisfied, and very impressed, he goes back to his hotel. The next night, he goes into the same place, asking for the same thing: song and a blowjob. They go into a dark room, she sings again and sucks him off at the same time. Skeptical, he goes back to the hotel and plots.

"I can't believe she's actually doing that, I'm gonna bring a flashlight and surprise her so I can figure out how she does it"

So the next night, he goes back, hiding a flashlight in his pocket. He asks for the usual song and a blowjob, and she takes him upstairs to the dark room. She sucks him off, and as she starts to sing, he whips out his flashlight and turns it on. The woman runs out of the room holding her face. He shines the light around the room, and sees nothing, except a glass eye on the floor.

Jul 30, 2009 6:41 PM ET #67 (permalink)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are lying on the grass looking at the stars. Holmes says,

"Watson? As we lie here looking at the stars, what does it make you think?"

Watson replies, "Well it makes me think how small we are in the grand scheme of things. After all the universe is bigger than we can imagine and we are but two men."

Holmes nods and says, "Interesting. Anything else?"

"Well Holmes, it makes me think how amazing God is to have created each of those stars, the planets and everything we know and indeed, don't know about."

Holmes again nods to say he's understood.

"What about you Holmes? Does it make you think of anything?"

Sherlock Holmes takes a puff on his pipe and says, "Well my dear Watson, it makes me think that someone's stolen our fucking tent!"

Jul 30, 2009 6:56 PM ET #68 (permalink)

Little Johnny walks in on his mother while she's showering and points to her patch and asks "What's THAT"? His mother answers "That's my wash cloth; now run along Johnny". The next day Johnny walks in on his mother while she's taking a shower and in amazement points to where her patch USED to be and says "What happened to your wash cloth"? "I lost it" she replied "Now run along Johnny". Moments later Johnny bursts through the bathroom door and exclaimed "I found your wash cloth... The maid has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it"!

Jul 30, 2009 7:14 PM ET #69 (permalink)

A little boy walks in on his mum and dad having sex and says, "What are you doing?"

Dad replies, "Making you a new brother or sister son."

The little boy says, "Well do her doggy style, I want a puppy!"

Jul 31, 2009 3:29 AM ET #70 (permalink)

What's red and looks like a bucket?

A red bucket.

What's yellow and looks like a bucket?

A yellow bucket.

What's green and looks like a bucket?

Red bucket in disguise.

lol that dumb shit got me through highschool :)

Jul 31, 2009 6:36 AM ET #71 (permalink)

Gorecunt's were fantastic!

Okay high school jokes then?

I went into the store to buy a camo jacket but I couldn't see one anywhere.

Why did the boy fall off the swing?
He had no arms

Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a Camel.

Why couldn't the baby fit through the passage way?
It had a javelin through it's head.

What's more fun the nailing a baby to a fence?
Ripping it off.

Jul 31, 2009 7:47 PM ET #72 (permalink)

Man, it's been years since I've heard the voodoo dick joke. I don't get the dead baby and psychopath ones though. Very tasteless.

Jul 31, 2009 8:17 PM ET #73 (permalink)

Dead Babies and Psychopaths get a bad rap.

Jul 31, 2009 11:02 PM ET #74 (permalink)

How do you get a baby in a jar?

Blender.

How do you get it back out?

Doritos.

Aug 1, 2009 12:16 PM ET #75 (permalink)

I've heard most of these jokes before, but when I read the glass eye one, my jaw dropped. Sick, yet hilarious.

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