"some music was meant to stay underground..."

70000 Tons of Metal - The World's Biggest Heavy Metal Cruise

Metal Underground.com Forum

Our newly launched forum is a place to freely discuss topics that are not directly in the news. Posting messages in the forum requires a free Metalunderground.com membership. You can still discuss news articles by posting comments on the respective articles (with or without a login).

Please view the forum rules before posting. Spamming, trolling or personal attacks may result in deletion of messages, loss of membership privledges, and/or a permanent ban.

Your permissions: while not logged in as a member, you may only read the forums. (Log in/Sign Up)

Anyone got any good jokes?

Posted in: Forum Home >> General Discussion >> Anyone got any good jokes?

Displaying posts 26 - 50 of 231 1 2 3 4 ... 9 10 Last
Displaying posts 26 - 50 of 231 1 2 3 4 ... 9 10 Last
Jul 13, 2009 10:17 PM ET #26 (permalink)

IN - The puppies are proof of the contrary :P

LOL, that's so wrong on so many different levels. I mean, its not like I'm Tasmanian like Wiggles or anything.

Jul 14, 2009 7:27 PM ET #27 (permalink)

"I predict that Termy hasn't been with a woman before." How does one 'predict' the past? o,O

Jul 14, 2009 7:36 PM ET #28 (permalink)

I predict that this prediction won't come true.

Wrap your head around that one, bitches! lol

Jul 14, 2009 7:55 PM ET #29 (permalink)

That's quite a circle psythe. Now make a triangle, an isosceles triangle!

Jul 14, 2009 8:05 PM ET #30 (permalink)

okay seriously guys stop trying to confuse me. You know what I meant, douchewads :P

Jul 14, 2009 8:45 PM ET #31 (permalink)

I got pissed off last week when I turned on the telly to see the Jacksons carrying MJs coffin... I thought Cool Runnings was on! I love that film!

Jul 15, 2009 2:13 AM ET #32 (permalink)

lol Oz, Cool Runnings is, dare I say, a "cool" flick indeed.

DIE - I'll see your isoscelese triangle and raise you a cone with two right angles :P

IN - ugh, don't try to comprehend stuff...everybody knows you attempting thought never ends well :P

(This post was last edited on July 15, 2009 at 2:14 AM ET.)

Jul 15, 2009 3:59 AM ET #33 (permalink)


Jul 15, 2009 6:57 AM ET #34 (permalink)

FUCK YOU TERMINATOR. *runs and cries in a forest*

Jul 15, 2009 2:00 PM ET #35 (permalink)

You watch your language! AND QUIT YELLING AT ME, JERKS!

Jul 16, 2009 11:51 AM ET #36 (permalink)

Can't we all just.. get along? :-P

Jul 19, 2009 5:24 PM ET #37 (permalink)

Women are like a pack of cards...
You need a heart to love one, a diamond to marry one, a club to bash her head in and a spade to bury the bitch :D

Jul 28, 2009 10:31 PM ET #38 (permalink)
Red's avatar


Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

Jul 28, 2009 11:49 PM ET #39 (permalink)

This is a good one. My friend from militaryspot.com Coachman told this to me:

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Unfortunately, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

' NO S***.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?

Jul 29, 2009 1:35 AM ET #40 (permalink)

Good one.

Jul 29, 2009 6:11 AM ET #41 (permalink)

An Asian man was killed in my town recently with a Starting Pistol... Police say it's definitely race related!

Jul 29, 2009 6:22 AM ET #42 (permalink)

A guy decides one weekend to go hunting so packs up his guns and drives to the woods. As he gets a little relaxed he sees a great big bear run past him but before he can ain his gun the bear's gone. Right after this, he feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to see the bear towering above him.

The bear says, "Right, I'm gonna give you a choice. You can either let me kill you, or let me buttfuck you."

After a quick thought the man drops his trousers and the bear has his way. Determined to get revenge for this, he goes out the next weekend to find the bear and kill it. However, not even ten minutes into his time in the woods, he feels a tap on his shoulder and is greeted with the same bear who offers him the same choice. Once again, the man receives a good buggering from the animal.

Enraged he goes back once more the next weekend, he has trouble finding the bear and just before he's about to give up, he feels the familiar tap on the shoulder. He turns around to see the same bear.

The bear says, "You don't come here for the hunting do you?"

Jul 29, 2009 6:29 AM ET #43 (permalink)

Abraham is stood on one of the holy mountains talking to God and says,

"So let me get this straight, the Arabs get to keep the oil, and we cut the ends of our what?!"

(This post was last edited on July 29, 2009 at 6:41 AM ET.)

Jul 29, 2009 12:13 PM ET #44 (permalink)

A wife decides that she needs to spice up her and her husband's sex life. So, she goes to the adult novelty store and came back with some crotchless panties.
She goes home, puts them on and waits for her husband to come home. When he does, she lifts up her dress and shows him her new panties, asking, "You want some of this?"
"Hell no," says the husband, "look what it did to your underwear!"

Jul 29, 2009 12:14 PM ET #45 (permalink)

One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first.
Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love."
Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think."
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet."
Confused, the teacher asked why.
Johnny replied, "When I walked past my mom's room last night, she had her feet in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming, I'm coming!"

Jul 29, 2009 12:39 PM ET #46 (permalink)

A man is walking around the Grand Canyon, and sees a little girl looking over a cliff.

"Hey, why are you standing over here by yourself?"

The little girl points at the bottom of the Canyon to a burning car wreck. Her parents were in that car and crashed and burned to their death.

The man unzips his fly and starts saying "Today is not your lucky day."

Jul 29, 2009 12:44 PM ET #47 (permalink)

Everyday at the office, a man walks up to a woman named Mary, takes a big breath of fresh air and says, "Your hair smells lovely today!" After about a fortnight of this, Mary went to work relations to complain. The manager said, "What's wrong with him saying your hair smells nice?"

Mary replied, "It's Keith, the fucking dwarf!"

Jul 29, 2009 5:49 PM ET #48 (permalink)

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Jul 29, 2009 6:04 PM ET #49 (permalink)

Blind: That is just so wrong. Funny but wrong.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were wandering around Wal-Mart, looking for an anniversary gift for Boudreaux's wife. He asks an attendant what the popular perfumes are nowadays. She holds up a bottle, sprays a tiny amount and says, "This is our newest perfume. It's called 'Come To Me'". Boudreaux grabs the bottle, sniffs it, and says, "Thibodeaux...dis smell like 'Come To You'?"

Jul 29, 2009 6:24 PM ET #50 (permalink)

AP1: I've been waiting to see a coon ass joke since this thread started. Nice one lol.

(This post was last edited on July 29, 2009 at 6:25 PM ET.)

Reply to Discussion or Return to General Discussion forum