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Anyone got any good jokes?
|Displaying posts 226 - 230 of 230 1 2 ... 8 9 10 Last|
|Displaying posts 226 - 230 of 230 1 2 ... 8 9 10 Last|
|Jun 24, 2014 12:24 PM ET||#226 (permalink)|
I suffer from Dicklexia. Everything I read sounds like a penis joke.
|Aug 12, 2014 3:01 PM ET||#227 (permalink)|
15 quotes from Robin Williams in memory of his passing...
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so . . . look at the platypus.
I remember the economy was working and there was a budget surplus. Yeah! "Where's Clinton?" We impeached him. "Fuck! For what?" A blowjob. "Wow! Who did he blow, Putin?"
And what's George W. Bush doing now? He's a motivational speaker. It's kind of cool. It's kind of like having Lindsay Lohan as a guidance counselor.
Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is. And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. He is the only man on the planet who can go: "Anthrax? All right..."
They said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug". Marijuana enhances many things, colors, tastes, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run.
I can't even get a condom on when I want to! "Hey, baby. Yeah, I got a love glove. Hold on." "I'll be right with you, honey." "Don't go away on me now." You're playing "Beat the cock". "I got it, I got it!" There's your penis like a midget in a diving suit... "I don't think we're going in today, Pete. We didn't make the deadline."
People go "now, Robin, how do I know if I'm an alcoholic?" Well as one, let me give you some warning signs. Number one, after a night of heavy drinking, you wake up fully clothed going "Hey! Somebody shit in my pants!" Number two, you have a couple of cocktails, you find yourself on the freeway going, "What are these fuckers doing going the wrong way?" Number three, you get drunk, you go out for Indian food, you wake up in Bombay with a camel licking your balls. Ta da! You are an alcoholic! And some people say "Robin, I'm a *functioning* alcoholic!" Which is, you can be one. It's like being a paraplegic lap dancer. You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.
Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, "Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on Jack! Standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going "Heh heh heh heh!!!!" And that damn organ music too, the whole [does intro to "Charge!"]! Third base coach is always doing this...[wiping nose, fidgeting around]. When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line! People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, "You're out!" "No, baby, I'm up now! Ha ha ha!"
Now the airport security is tight. You go through the metal detector and if you are heavily pierced, like some of my friends: "Take out your keys, sir." "Tip of the iceberg." For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall and a bolt through the cock after me." "That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling."
And it's not bad enough that they make porn movies, they make porn movies of MY movies. They made "Good Will Humping." It's okay. "Wet Dreams May Cum," all right. "Snatch Adams"? That was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Fuck off! You know, "Popeye", I would watch.
One time in makeup as Mrs. Doubtfire, I walked into a sex shop in San Francisco and tried to buy a double-headed dildo. Just because. Why not? And the guy was about to sell it to me until he realised it was me – Robin Williams – not an older Scottish woman coming in to look for a very large dildo and a jar of lube. He just laughed and said, ‘What are you doing here?’ and I left. Did I make the purchase? No. Did I walk away with a really good story? Yes.
(This post was last edited on August 12, 2014 at 3:02 PM ET.)
|Aug 12, 2014 6:58 PM ET||#228 (permalink)|
I'm gonna miss that man. Him and Rik Mayall really made my childhood and they both died this year. Sad world.
|Aug 24, 2014 12:31 AM ET||#229 (permalink)|
Sometimes I shudder to think how similar I am to my dad. Then I remember, "I'll hit a bitch sober. So we are different!"
|Nov 22, 2014 8:30 PM ET||#230 (permalink)|
Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."
Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"
Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says 'Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything'.
Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."
A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.