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Anyone got any good jokes?

Posted in: Forum Home >> General Discussion >> Anyone got any good jokes?

Displaying posts 1 - 25 of 225 1 2 3 ... 8 9 Last
Displaying posts 1 - 25 of 225 1 2 3 ... 8 9 Last
Jul 6, 2009 5:53 PM ET #1 (permalink)

I figured we could use a thread like this for when any of our readers are feeling down or whatever. So if you know any good ones, fire away!

Dave goes to the doctor and asks if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over twenty years I haven't. I do my best to remain professional." With that, Dave dropped his trousers to reveal the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It was no bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst intro uncontrollable laughter, wipes away his tears, takes a deep breath and says "I'm sorry, I really am. It won't happen again. Now how can I help you?"

Dave replied: "It's swollen."

Jul 6, 2009 6:19 PM ET #2 (permalink)

LOFL !! Thanks Oz

Jul 7, 2009 3:27 AM ET #3 (permalink)

Hey, what do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A Milkshake!

Jul 7, 2009 6:59 AM ET #4 (permalink)
Red's avatar

Red

Lorena Bobbitt had just cut off her husband's penis. She was driving down the road, wondering what to do with it, when the thought struck her to toss it out the window. The penis bounced off the windscreen of the car travelling in the opposite direction." Shit," said the driver to his passenger. "What kind of bug was that?" "Dunno," he replied. "But did you see the size of the cock on it?!"

Jul 7, 2009 4:25 PM ET #5 (permalink)

Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach when Moses says, "You know what? I'm going to try and part the ocean again." He throws his hands in the air and, magically, the ocean parts.

Jesus sees this and says, "I'm going to try to walk on water again." He walks up to the water, takes a step on top and sinks.

Moses says, "Try it again, Jesus. It's been a while." Jesus tries again, and once more, he sinks.

Jesus comes out of the water and says, "I know what the problem is. When I walked on water before, I didn't have holes in my feet."

Jul 7, 2009 4:43 PM ET #6 (permalink)

Kathy is on her way home from a trip to the circus with her son Billy.. All the way home, Billy is bouncing his balloon around in the car and its driving his mom crazy.!
This is only adding to her frustration of holding off taking a shit until she gets home.!
Once they get home, Billy resumes bouncing that balloon around the house.. while his mom runs to the bathroom.!
Once she gets to the bathroom she discovers that they are out of toilet paper.!
So out of anger and frustration she yells at Billy to "quit playing with the damn balloon and find something to do" while she runs to the store for some toilet paper..!
As she runs out the door, Billy hits the balloon one last time... and as he walks off to his room, the balloon slowly floats through the air and lands in the toilet.!

By the time Kathy gets home from the store, her stomach is rumbling and gurgling so bad, she isn't paying any attention as she sits down and proceeds to unload.. As she finishes her duty and stands up to flush.. she sees that huge pile of shit in the toilet and freaks out..!!

Not knowing what to do, she decides to call her doctor, who agrees to come over and see what the problem is.?
Upon entering the bathroom, the doctor notices the huge pile of shit in the toilet.. He takes out his pen and leans in closer to get a better look and as he pokes the pile of shit, suddenly it explodes and covers him and the entire bathroom in shit.!

Kathy is embarrassed beyond belief and immediately begins to apologize to the doctor. The doctor turns around and in a state of shock he says.. " In twenty five years of being a doctor I have seen many things.. but ma'am., that is the first time I have ever seen a fart."

Jul 7, 2009 4:59 PM ET #7 (permalink)

A 13 year-old old paperboy knocks on the door of one of his customers. A beautiful 20 year-old woman answers the door in nothing but a transparent nightie and asks him what she can do to help him. He tells her that she owes him for four weeks' bill and that he needs the money. She wanted to know how much she owes him and he figures that, at four dollars a week for four weeks, she owes him 16 dollars. She told him that she doesn't have the 16 bucks but she will take him to bed and promise to make his teeth sweat. The kid figures, ‘what the hell’ and follows her into the house.
They go into the bedroom where she gets naked and lies on the bed, touching herself provocatively. He drops his paperbag from his shoulder and pulls his pants down, revealing an 11-inch member! He reaches into the bag and pulls out styrofoam spacers and starts to slide them over his penis to make it shorter. The girl says to him “Oh, don't worry boy, I can take all of that!” He looks up at her out of one eye and says ''Not for 16 fucking dollars bitch!”

Jul 7, 2009 5:17 PM ET #8 (permalink)

Last one for today, I will try to remember some gut busters for tomorrow:

A women without arms or legs is sitting on a beach weeping. A guy walks by and asks her what's wrong. She says, "I've never been kissed before." The man feels sorry for her and gives her a long passionate kiss and starts to walk away. As he's walking away he hears her start crying again so he goes back and asks her what's wrong now. She sobs, "I've never had sex before."
The man sweeps her up in his arms, looks into her eyes, and tosses her into the water yelling, "You're fucked now bitch!!"

Jul 8, 2009 11:46 PM ET #9 (permalink)

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

Jul 8, 2009 11:56 PM ET #10 (permalink)

Why did the cookie go to the doctors office?

Because he was feeling crummy!

Jul 9, 2009 11:25 AM ET #11 (permalink)
Red's avatar

Red

Beer or Vagina:
Which is better, beer or vagina?
1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2.Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3.A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc... with vagina you also have a choice, white, black, asian, hispanic, and eskimo...
Call it a DRAW

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother
One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you
drink it
One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 9
That's it! The matter is settled, the unfortunate yet tasty winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.

An extra point for BEER

Jul 9, 2009 1:07 PM ET #12 (permalink)

LMAO!! on Red's joke.

Heres one for ya.

Whats the difference between a refrigerator and a vagina?

Meat dont fart when you pull it out of the refrigerator.

Jul 9, 2009 2:47 PM ET #13 (permalink)
Red's avatar

Red

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww ! LOL

Jul 9, 2009 3:43 PM ET #14 (permalink)

Q - Whats the difference between meat and fish.?

A - If you beat your fish it dies.!

Jul 10, 2009 6:50 PM ET #15 (permalink)

Obama is raising the sales tax on Tylenol because its white and it works.

Jul 10, 2009 6:55 PM ET #16 (permalink)

LOFL !!

Jul 10, 2009 9:27 PM ET #17 (permalink)

When Farrah Fawcett died, she went to heaven, where she met God. God promised her one wish. She said, "I wish for all the children to be safe." That's when God offed Michael Jackson.

I'm sorry.

Jul 10, 2009 9:35 PM ET #18 (permalink)

Nothing to be sorry about.! LOFL
That is an excellent joke.! Glad you shared with us ;-)

Jul 12, 2009 11:15 PM ET #19 (permalink)

A man is speeding and accidently hits a woman. Who's fault is it?


The man's fault for driving in the kitchen.

Jul 13, 2009 1:55 PM ET #20 (permalink)

This isn't really a joke, but that reminds me of one of my favorite phrases- Why do women even drive? There's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen!

Jul 13, 2009 9:13 PM ET #21 (permalink)

Pursuit_Of_Vikings - I've heard an even better saying, and though I'm not religious, 'tis more amusing than what you said. Why did God create men first? Because you always need a rough draft before a masterpiece.... :P

Jul 13, 2009 9:19 PM ET #22 (permalink)

^ God must've been a woman then, because a man doesn't need a do over :P

Jul 13, 2009 9:47 PM ET #23 (permalink)

Hell nah nigguh.

Jul 13, 2009 10:03 PM ET #24 (permalink)

I predict that Termy hasn't been with a woman before. lol

Jul 13, 2009 10:10 PM ET #25 (permalink)

Who needs a woman when you have puppies?

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