Band Photo: Ministry (?)
From: El Paso, TX, United States
Last Known Status: Regrouped
Latest Ministry News
Below is our complete Ministry news coverage, including columns and articles pertaining to the band. Some articles listed may be indirectly related, such as side projects of the band members, etc.
Note: We began associating news directly with bands in late 2003. Therefore, earlier band news may not be listed on this page.
Ministry mainman Al Jourgensen recently sat down for a lengthy video interview with MP3.com. Filmed in Al's hotel room on the eve of the band's final performance in San Francisco, the chat centers on the end of Jourgensen's long-running band, and what, exactly, he plans to fill his time with post-Ministry. Aside from a cameo from Al's dogs, Ozzy and Lemmy, the interview features some typically candid Bush bashing, and plenty of discussion about Jourgensen and company's recently released Cover Up collection, and the forthcoming Revolting Cocks record.
Ministry's final ever world tour - the appropriately-dubbed C U LaTouR - is winding down, propelling Al and his band toward their final gig ever, on May 10th at the House of Blues in Chicago. Along for the ride are Swedish tech metal behemoth Meshuggah and Hemlock.
Video: Al Jourgensen Interview with MP3.com More...
Read the full article at MP3.com.
The night was cold and wet. Perfect weather for Meshuggah to feel right at home. Oddly enough we also were blessed with a healthy clap of thunder and a strike of lightning, giving me the impression that the night was going to be interesting. Upon arriving at the venue, the early birds endured the cold and wet weather for about an hour and a half before being separated into two lines: one for the men and the other women. The search was easy and despite my skull belt was let in with no troubles. More...
Fear Factory and Ascension Of The Watchers frontman Burton C. Bell speaks about involvement in Ministry's latest album "The Last Sucker" and in the upcoming covers collection "Cover Up":
'It was last January , I was talking to a friend, and my friend goes, 'Yeah, MINISTRY is in the studio recording their last record." I was like, 'Their last record?' 'Yeah, it's their very last record.' 'Really?!' And I was thinking to myself, 'Man, if I want to get involved with this, this is the time.' So what did I do? The very next day I called up Al [Jourgensen, MINISTRY mainman]. I was like, 'Al, this is Burton. I met you (at your last New York City show), I know you're doing your last record. I would love to offer my services. I'm there, if you want me I'm there.' He called me like a week later, 'We want you on our record. Come on down.' So he flew me down. I was down there for two weeks. We did 'End Of Days', 'Die In A Crash'. I did another song, it's not on the record, I don't know what happened to it. I started doing those cover songs. It was just like, 'Yeah, this is cool.'"
With the April 1st release of Ministry and Co-Conspirators' "Cover Up" on the horizon, Al Jourgensen and company are giving fans a chance to preview the album before release date. A lengthy track featuring 30 second samples of every song on Cover Up is currently available at the official Ministry Myspace page. Loaded with contributions from Revolting Cocks' Sin Quirin and Josh Bradford, Burton C. Bell of Fear Factory, Prong's Thomas Victor, and the late, great Paul Raven, "Cover Up" is a star-studded collection of vintage rock covers. Everyone from Deep Purple, to ZZ Top, to the Stones get a classic Ministry send-up.
Ministry's final world tour, the C U LaTouR, kicked off in Spokene, WA at the Big Easy. The 38-date trek features Special Guests Meshuggah and opening act Hemlock, and winds down in mid-May with multiple-nights in Ministry front man Al Jourgensen's home town of Chicago.
Here is the complete "Cover Up" Tracklist:
1. Under My Thumb (Rolling Stones Cover)
2. Bang A Gong (T Rex Cover)
3. Radar Love (Golden Earing Cover)
4. Space Truckin' (Deep Purple Cover)
5. Black Betty (Ram Jam Cover)
6. Mississippi Queen (Mountain Cover)
7. Just Got Paid (ZZ Top Cover)
8. Roadhouse Blues (The Doors Cover)
9. Supernaut (Black Sabbath Cover)
10. Lay Lady Lay (Bob Dylan Cover)
11. What A Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong Cover)
12. What A Wonderful World (Short Slow Version)
13. What A Wonderful World (Short Fast Version)
14. Willie Stigmata
Here are the latest tour dates on the C U LaTour: More...
The complete lineup for the 10th Anniversary of the New England Metal and Hardcore Festival, set for weekend of April 25-27 at the Palladium in Worcester, Massachussetts has been confirmed.
The largest and most successful metal festival in the United States will be presented this year by ESP, Randall, EMG, exclusive magazine presenter Metal Maniacs Magazine, and "Summer Slaughter Tour" second stage sponsor Sumerian Records.
"When we first started, we never could have much this festival would have grown," said festival co-founder Scott Lee. "It started out of our love for metal and it’s been amazing to be able to share that with fans who love it as much as we do. It’s also gratifying to be able to give exposure to up-and-coming bands and watch them develop into international stars."
The New England Metal and Hardcore Festival will present Gigantour featuring Megadeth, In Flames, Children of Bodom, Job for a Cowboy and High on Fire on Friday night. Doors will open Friday at 4:30 p.m.
Saturday will kick off the full two-stage set up at 11:30 a.m. with for the Fallen Dreams, Veil of Maya, Trap Them, COCKPUNCH!, Xtryrantx, Winds of Plague, From A Second Story Window, Soilent Green, Arsis, Sleeping Giant, Stick to Your Guns, First Blood, Disfear, Municipal Waste, The Ghost Inside, Embrace the End, The End, Keep Of Kalessin, Monstrosity, Skeletonwitch, Through the Eyes of the Dead, Animosity, As Blood Runs Black, Heaven Shall Burn, Vital Remains, Kataklysm, Hate Eternal, The Acacia Strain, Overkill, Behemoth, Shadows Fall, and Dimmu Borgir.
Sunday’s lineup includes Classic Struggle, Stray from the Path, Waking the Cadaver, Unholy, Cold World, Recon, Elysia, Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza, On Broken Wings, Dead to Fall, Full Blown Chaos, Ligeia, Since the Flood, Shai Hulud, Hemlock, After the Burial, Unexpect, Thy Will Be Done, Born of Osiris, Impending Doom, Kid Deposit Triumph, Vanna, Emmure, A Life Once Lost, Despised Icon, God Forbid, Eluveitie, Tyr, Turisas, Ensiferum, Nevermore, Meshuggah, and Ministry. The show will begin at 11:30 a.m. on Sunday.
The full schedule of set times will be announced soon.
The festival will also host the popular vendor area, where fans can pick up an assortment of rare CDs, t-shirts, and other memorabilia. Artists performing at the show will be on hand for meet and greets throughout the three days.
The New England Metal and Hardcore Festival is also sponsored by Metal Edge Magazine, Monster Energy, All In Merchandise, 518 Prints, MTV’s Headbanger’s Blog, The Syndicate, Mazur PR, Heavy Hitter, Scott Lee Clothing, and many more to be announced.
Tickets are $47.50 for Friday, $45 for Saturday, $45 for Sunday, or $129 for a three-day pass.
Tickets are available at all Strawberries and FYE Stores, online at tickets.com and enterthevault.com, or by calling 1-800-477-6849.
The Palladium is located at 261 Main Street in Worcester, MA.
Saturday April 12th will see a special gig remembering with fondness Paul Raven, bassist from Killing Joke, Ministry Prong, etc who died in October of last year. The special line-up features three bands that all have a close association with Paul. None more so that Gundogs who feature Paul’s brother Dan on bass. Dan said of the event “'I hope that this show and the love that underpins its spirit, will be loud enough to reach Paul at the right hand of God. He would be proud to see so many of his great friends come together in this way.'
Also featured on the bill are October File who many will have seen on recent Killing Joke tours and Headcount who had their 2004 album, "Die Monkey Die," produced by Paul. Headcount singer Rob Moss said of Paul “What better way to remember Paul than an evening of floor to floor rock n roll. He'd have been first up there, kicking it up!” Steve Beatty of October File added " We shall endeavor to honor and salute Paul as best and as fitting as we can. We hope he is attending in spirit."
October File’s acclaimed new album, "Holy Armour From the Jaws of God," is available now from Candlelight Records.
Ministry kicks off their C U LaTouR this Tuesday, March 25 and They filmed their rehearsals out at The Ranch near El Paso and posted a clip on YouTube, also embedded below.
Here are the latest tour date on the C U LaTouR, featuring Ministry, Meshuggah and Hemlock: More...
Candlelight Records reports:
Saturday, April 12th will see a special gig remembering with fondness Paul Raven, bassist from KILLING JOKE, MINISTRY, PRONG, etc., who died in October of last year.
The special line-up features three bands that all have a close association with Paul.
None more so than GUNDOGS who feature Paul’s brother Dan on bass. Dan said of the event “I hope that this show and the love that underpins its spirit, will be loud enough to reach Paul at the right hand of God. He would be proud to see so many of his great friends come together in this way."
Also featuring on the bill are OCTOBER FILE who many will have seen on recent Killing Joke tours and HEADCOUNT who had their 2004 album Die Monkey Die produced by Paul.
Headcount singer Rob Moss said of Paul, “What better way to remember Paul than an evening of floor to floor rock n roll. He’d have been first up there, kicking it up!” Steve Beatty of October File added, "We shall endeavor to honour and salute Paul as best and as fitting as we can. We hope he is attending in spirit."
October File’s new album, Holy Armour From The Jaws Of God, is available now from Candlelight Records.
Another new HEMLOCK track, entitled "No Time For Sorrow," has been posted on the group's MySpace page. The song is the title cut of the Las Vegas, Nevada-based metallers' upcoming album, which is scheduled for release on March 18 on Blind Prophecy Records. The CD was recorded with engineer Eddy Garcia (PISSING RAZORS).
HEMLOCK will play several headlining shows before joining MINISTRY and MESHUGGAH on the C-U-La-Tour from late March to May.
ARCH ENEMY, SYMPHONY X, BRING ME THE HORIZON, BLACK STONE CHERRY, THROWDOWN and BLEEDING THROUGH have just been confirmed for the Graspop Metal Meeting which is set to take place June 27th - 29th at De Boeretand in Dessel, Belgium.
Confirmed acts now include: ALCHEMIST, APOCALYPTICA, ARCH ENEMY, AT THE GATES, AVENGED SEVENFOLD, BEHEMOTH, BLACK STONE CHERRY, BLEEDING THROUGH, BRING ME THE HORIZON, BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE, CAVALERA CONSPIRACY, COMEBACK KID, DEATHSTARS, DEF LEPPARD, DYING FETUS, FORBIDDEN, HELMET, HOLLENTHON, ICED EARTH, IMMORTAL, IN FLAMES, IRON MAIDEN, JUDAS PRIEST, KORPIKLAANI, MADBALL, MINISTRY, MORBID ANGEL, MY DYING BRIDE, NILE, NOVEMBERS DOOM, OBITUARY, OPETH, PRIMORDIAL, ROSE TATTOO, ROTTING CHRIST, SABATON, SAXON, SOILWORK, SONATA ARCTICA, SYMPHONY X, TESTAMENT, 36 CRAZYFISTS, THROWDOWN, VOLBEAT, WHITESNAKE and YNGWIE MALMSTEEN.
The resurging Chicago Blackhawks Hockey team has no bigger fan than Al Jourgensen, the "Mayor of Chicago's Underground," the godfather of the industrial music scene, and founder and lead singer of the legendary rock band Ministry. As the 2007/2008 Blackhawks team makes its push for the 2008 playoffs, its fans now have another great sports anthem, courtesy of Al and his co-conspirators in Ministry. "Keys To The City," a rock anthem sure to inspire Blackhawks fans worldwide, will debut on March 5, 2008. As part of the debut, 200 lucky fans of Ministry and the Blackhawks will win tickets to see the March 5 game.
Born in Cuba and having immigrated to the U.S. at the age of two, Jourgensen was raised in Colorado and Chicago, settling in the Windy City in the late 1970s. As a youth, Al would attend Chicago Blackhawks Hockey games watching from the upper balcony at the old Chicago Stadium. After founding the industrial metal rock band in 1980, and as the band gained popularity, Al graduated to season tickets in the main bowl. Living now in El Paso, TX, Al still gets back to Chicago from time to time to watch his beloved Blackhawks and is a worldwide evangelist for the team, often sporting his Blackhawks jersey on tour.
Last fall, as the buzz began to build around the new, young Blackhawks team, Jourgensen decided he wanted to add to the momentum. In his studios rehearsing for their farewell tour, Al picked up on a guitar riff that hadn't made his final album and started building what would become "Keys to the City," a sports rock anthem that he presented as a gift to the Wirtz family and the Chicago Blackhawks in December of 2007. The Blackhawks have since embraced the song as a great opportunity to reach out to a new generation of Blackhawks fans; a worthy companion to the team's official theme song, "Here Come The Hawks."
"The Chicago Blackhawks RULE!" said Al Jourgensen. "I am honored to be a part of the history and legend of one of hockey's Original Six. I hope 'Keys to The City' inspires some awesome fights on the ice."
Although containing trademark intensity and guitar riffs, "Keys to the City" is less a traditional Ministry song, but more a classic sports anthem in structure. Built around a drum/bass line that recalls Garry Glitter's "Rock n' Roll Pt 2," the song is a rallying cry for Blackhawk fans. Name checking the past Hawk greats like Hull, Mikita, Esposito and Savard, the song celebrates the resurgence of the Blackhawks and the quest to bring home the Stanley Cup to Chicago. It is already popular among the young Blackhawks players upon which the team is building its future championships.
Al Jourgensen will travel to Chicago for the March 5 debut of the song. After a day of media interviews supporting the song and Ministry's farewell tour, which comes to Chicago's House of Blues in early May, Jourgensen and his wife will be the guest of the Blackhawks at the game that night and will participate in game festivities. As part of the day's promotions, 200 fans of Ministry and the Blackhawks will get free tickets to the televised March 5 home game against the Anaheim Ducks. Details on how to win the tickets will be posted at ChicagoBlackhawks.com. "Keys to the City" will be available for download via iTunes, and as a link from ChicagoBlackhawks.com, starting March 5. Proceeds from the song will benefit the Blackhawks charities. To purchase tickets to the March 5 Blackhawks game, visit ChicagoBlackhawks.com.
This year will mark the tenth anniversary of the New England Metal and Hardcore Festival, the largest and most successful metal festival in the United States.
This year’s show, presented by ESP, Randall, EMG, and exclusive magazine presenter Metal Maniacs Magazine, will take place the weekend of April 25-27 at the Palladium in Worcester, Mass., its home since its inception. Sumerian Records will sponsor the “Summer Slaughter Tour” second stage.
The New England Metal and Hardcore Festival will present Gigantour featuring Megadeth, In Flames, Children of Bodom, Job for a Cowboy and High on Fire on Friday night. Saturday will be headlined by Dimmu Borgir, Shadows Fall, and Behemoth. Ministry, Meshuggah, and Nevermore will close out the festival on Sunday night.
Other bands scheduled to perform include: A Life Once Lost, The Acacia Strain, After the Burial, Animosity, As Blood Runs Black, Belay My Last, Born of Osiris, Braindrill, Classic Struggle, Cockpunch!, Cold World, Dead to Fall, Demiricous, Dillinger Escape Plan, Disfear, Eluveitie, Elysia, Embrace the End, Emmure, The End, Ensiferum, First Blood, From a Second Story Window, Full Blown Chaos, The Ghost Inside, God Forbid, Hate Eternal, Hemlock, High on Fire, Impending Doom, Job for a Cowboy, Keep Of Kalessin, Kid Deposit Triumph, Ligeia, Mensrea, Monstrosity, Municipal Waste, On Broken Wings, Overkill, Recon, Red I Flight, Rhinoceros, Shai Halud, Shipwreck a.d., Since the Flood, Skeletonwitch, Sleeping Giant, Soilent Green, Sons of Azrael, Stick to Your Guns, Stray from the Path, Through the Eyes of the Dead, Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza, Trap Them, Turisas, Tyr, Unexpect, Unholy, Vanna, Veil of Maya, Vital Remains, Waking the Cadaver, Winds of Plague, Withered, and Xtyrantx.
The New England Metal and Hardcore Festival is also sponsored by Metal Edge Magazine, Monster Energy, All In Merchandise, 518 Prints, The Syndicate, Mazur PR, Heavy Hitter, Scott Lee Clothing, and many more to be announced.
Tickets go on sale Friday, February 15 at 10 a.m. EST. The cost is $47.50 for Friday, $45 for Saturday, $45 for Sunday, or $129 for a three-day pass. Tickets available at all Strawberries / FYE Stores, by calling (800) 477-6849 or online at tickets.com.
According to Metal Hammer, MINISTRY will play the following UK dates in May/June:
May 27 - London Kentish Town Forum
May 28 - Norwich Waterfont
May 29 - Manchester Academy
May 30 - Glasgow Academy
Jun. 01 - Bristol Academy
Jun. 02 - Wolverhampton Wulfrun Hall
The valedictory line-up will include PRONG frontman Tommy Victor on guitar, alongside fellow guitarist Sin Quirin, as well as PRONG drummer Aaron Rossi, while various guest musicians will also be appearing.
There will, however, be one noticeable absence on the tour, that of long-term MINISTRY collaborator and former KILLING JOKE bassist Paul Raven, who passed away unexpectedly in October last year. "Dude," sighs mainman Al Jourgensen, "we were just going over some of the last tours and some of the concert footage, and I just tried to block it out of my mind. That fucking pirate dude. The thing I keep waiting for is he's such a lazy pothead, that fuck, is that he's not even dead, he's just so stoned he doesn't know he's alive, and he's too lazy to get up and get a fucking job."
Fans are no doubt hoping that MINISTRY will follow in the footsteps of costumed rockers KISS, and eventually go back on their word, but Al is adamant that such cliches are not for him.
"It isn't just KISS, it's everyone! No, dude. I'm going away. I'm a fucking recluse. I'd be happy moving to a trailer park in New Mexico as opposed to 'I really miss it I'm going broke'."
Not that Al will be putting his feet up after the tour. A new REVOLTING COCKS record has just been completed, as has an entire score and soundtrack for a lesbian vampire horror movie called "Wicked Lake", with the soundtrack featuring OBITUARY, MESHUGGAH, MINISTRY and PRONG, among others. There's also the not insignificant matter of MINISTRY's imminent, final-ever release, the covers album "Cover Up".
"Just to hear Tommy Victor do 'Space Truckin' [DEEP PURPLE] is worth the price of admission alone," says Al, "because he does all those high falsettos. 'It's A Wonderful World' came out great. Burton C. Bell [FEAR FACTORY] sings on 'Under My Thumb'. It's insane. We played 'Just Got Paid' to [ZZ TOP's] Billy Gibbons and he was like, 'This is waaayyy better than our version!' He's in love with it. We're getting approval from the whole council of elders. They're all like, 'Dude, this is amazing!'"
Graspop Metal Meeting 2008 is scheduled for June 27th - 29th, 2008 at the festival park De Boeretand in Dessel, Belgium.
The latest act confirmed CAVALERA CONSPIRACY.
Acts on board for the festival now include: IRON MAIDEN, JUDAS PRIEST, DEF LEPPARD, SAXON, CAVALERA CONSPIRACY, OBITUARY, WHITESNAKE, MINISTRY, SONATA ARCTICA, BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE, VOLBEAT, MY DYING BRIDE, AT THE GATES, FORBIDDEN, HOLLENTHON, DEATHSTARS, CONVERGE, COMEBACK KID, MADBALL.
Korpiklaani have been confirmed for this year’s Metal Camp Festival set to take place July 3rd to 9th in Tolmin, Slovenia.
Other bands to appear include Behemoth, In Flames, Rage, Soilwork, Apocalyptica, Ministry, Kataklysm and Wintersun.
Swedish extremists MESHUGGAH have confirmed more live dates with MINISTRY - their itinerary is as follows:
25 - Big Easy Concert Hall - Spokane, Washington
26 - Whiskey Nightclub - Calgary, AB - CANADA
27 - Croatian Cultural Center - Vancouver, BC - CANADA
28 - Commodore Ballroom - Vancouver, BC - CANADA
29 - Showbox SoDo - Seattle, Washington
30 - Roseland Theatre - Portland, Oregon
1 - The Fillmore - San Francisco, California
2 - The Fillmore - San Francisco, California
5 - House of Blues - Hollywood, California
6 - House of Blues - Hollywood, California
7 - House of Blues - San Diego, California
8 - Marquee Theatre - Tempe, Arizona
9 - House of Blues - Las Vegas, Nevada
11 - The Great Saltair - Magna (Salt Lake City), Utah
12 - Ogden Theater - Denver, Colorado
14 - Sunshine Theater - Albuquerque, New Mexico
15 - La Zona Rosa - Austin, Texas
16 - Cain’s Ballroom - Tulsa, Oklahoma
17 - The Palladium - Dallas, Texas
18 - Verizon Wireless Theatre - Houston, Texas
19 - House of Blues - New Orleans, Louisiana
21 - Revolution - Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
22 - House of Blues Lake - Buena Vista, Florida
23 - Jannus Landing - St. Petersburg, Florida
24 - Tremont Music Hall - Charlotte, North Carolina
25 - The Masquerade - Atlanta, Georgia
26 - Rams Head Live - Baltimore, Maryland
27 - The Palladium - Worcester, Massachusetts
29 - Fillmore (Theatre of Living Arts) - Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1 - Fillmore (Irving Plaza) - New York, New York
2 - Fillmore (Irving Plaza) - New York, New York
3 - Metropolis - Montreal, QC - CANADA
4 - Koolhaus - Toronto, ON - CANADA
6 - The Agora Theater - Cleveland, Ohio
7 - Emerald Theater - Detroit, Michigan
8 - House of Blues - Chicago, Illinois
9 - House of Blues - Chicago, Illinois
According to Ashladan.be, legendary Florida death metallers OBITUARY have been confirmed for this year's Graspop Metal Meeting, set to take place June 27-29, 2008 at De Boeretand in Dessel, Belgium. The festival billing is shaping up as follows:
AT THE GATES
BULLET FOR MY VALENTINE
MY DYING BRIDE
OBITUARY recently shot a video for the song "Evil Ways" with comic book stalwart and director Hart D. Fisher.
"Evil Ways" is the lead single from OBITUARY's new album, "Xecutioner's Return", which was released in North America on August 28 via Candlelight Records. The CD was mixed at Redroom Recorders and was mastered in June at Morrisound Studios in Tampa. The band once again worked with artist Andreas Marschall, who has previously created the art for "The End Complete" and the group's last record, "Frozen in Time".
Roadrunner Records has set a January 29, 2008 release date for a "best-of" collection from legendary Florida death metallers OBITUARY. Entitled, appropriately enough, "The Best of Obituary", the CD will feature the following track listing:
01. Internal Bleeding
02. 'Til Death
03. Slowly We Rot
04. Cause Of Death
05. Chopped In Half
06. Turned Inside Out
07. The End Complete
08. I'm In Pain
09. Don't Care
10. Final Thoughts
11. Kill For Me
12. Threatening Skies
13. On The Floor
WAR FROM A HARLOTS MOUTH and FALL OF SERENITY are confirmed to play the this year 15th edition of WITH FULL FORCE festival to be held on the 4th to 7th of July, 2008.
Other bands confirmed so far are IN FLAMES, MINISTRY, PRIMORDIAL, CONVERGE, MAYHEM, THE RED CHORD, DARK FUNERAL, HEAVEN SHALL BURN, VOLBEAT and many more. You can find more info at www.withfullforce.de.
FALL OF SERENITY will also hit the European roads this February together with the almighty DISMEMBER and HATESPHERE.
Here are the latest FALL OF SERENITY tour dates: More...
IN FLAMES, MINISTRY, MAYHEM, STUCK MOJO and DARK FUNERAL are among the confirmed bands for the With Full Force festival, set to take place July 4-6, 2008 at Flugplatz Roitzschjora in Löbnitz, Germany. The festival billing is shaping up as follows:
BORN FROM PAIN
DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR
DIE APOKALYPTISCHEN REITER
ENEMY OF THE SUN
FALL OF SERENITY
HEAVEN SHALL BURN
SHE MALE TROUBLE
SUBWAY TO SALLY
THE DESTINY PROGRAM
THE RED CHORD
THE TURBO AC'S
WAR FROM A HARLOTS MOUTH
Ministry mainman Al 'Alien' Jourgensen has penned a special Christmas poem entitled "T'was The Night Before Impeachment," which reads as follows:
T'was 2007 and all through the year
Not a creature was buying this climate of fear
The stockings were hung in a foreclosure scare
In hopes that the Banks would forget we were there!
The soldiers were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of extended tours messed with their heads
And Dick and Lynn Cheney with shotguns in lap
Had just pardoned Scooter for shutting his yap
When down at the White House there arose such a clatter
I sprang out the door to see what was the matter!
Away to the protest I flew like a flash
I marched for a while and got tazed in the clash
Then soon I was arrested – for what I don't know
But the ACLU said that “This just won't go!”
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a miniature Cheney and eight dead reindeer
With his pacemaker pumping, so lively and quick
I knew in a moment it must be St. Dick!
Faster than subpoenas, his minions they came
He waterboarded and tortured and called them by name:
“Now Halliburton! Now Exxon! Now Conoco! Now Shell!
On Blackwater! On Bechtel! – Let's all go to Hell!”
To the top of the West Wing, to the top of The Wall
"Now stash away! Stash away! Stash way All!"
As voters are wondering why their vote doesn't fly
Here comes Karl Rove and he'll tell you why
So up to the White House the CEOs flew
With a sleighful of cash and Dick Cheney too!
And then, in a twinkling I heard on the roof
Was the hemming and hawing of the ultimate Goof (heh heh heh heh)
I raised just one finger and jumped all around
Coz there on the roof Ol "Dubya" came round
He was dressed all in fur that Cheney had killed
He looked rather dapper on the taxpayers' bill
A bundle of cash he had flung on his back
Looked happy as Cheney right before an attack
His eyes — how they twinkled, but his manners were weary
Coz Alberto Gonzales has so much to bury!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer
Like all of those press conferences he holds so dear
The stump of a crack pipe he held in his teeth
He said: "Laura, I'm sorry! I've relapsed — I'm weak!"
And his friend had a Wide Stance and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed in a toilet so smelly
Dim-witted and dumb a right jolly old elf
And I laughed when I saw him, giving way my own stealth
A wink of his eye and a snap of his finger
Soon gave me to know I shouldn't loiter or linger
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work
Put the cash in his stockings, then turned with a jerk
And laying his finger aside of his nose
Thumbs up! And a nod for the coke that he chose
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle
"And away to Iran like a nuclear missile!'
But I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight:
"Happy Christmas to no one — Impeachment's not right!"